I'm not nuts, I'm just...

A while back, I started following a great depression blog/forum called Beyond Blue. I've come to believe that depression is anorexia's bedfellow. They have a sort of codependent relationship. Like any relationship, I have to wonder, "Who's on top?" (Come on, you wonder this too). And, most of the time, I think it's depression. There are times when anorexia's gotten a little frisky, but depression is the dominant disease.

Yes, I see depression as a disease. There is great resistance to this idea, as shown by the ongoing battle over mental health parity in this country. The brain is part of the body, an organ just like the liver or heart (Carrie Arnold just did a great post titled "The brain is a body part," by the way). I don't pretend that I could control my liver's daily function, but I like to think I can control my brain. Most of us do, probably because an inability to control our brains is pretty frightening. I never really considered that something was off in my head. That was crazy, literally. For me, I just thought certain depressive traits were part of who I was. It went with the whole brooding writer persona...or something.

There's a post today over at Beyond Blue called "Am I depressed or just deep?" The author writes about her childhood:

I believed, along with all the other adults in my life, that my melancholy and sensitivity were part of my "special" make-up, that they were gifts to celebrate, not neuroses to treat. And should I take meds that helped me laugh and play and design cool barrettes like the other girls, well, then I would lose my depth.

I understand what she's saying. We grow to see ourselves in a certain way and this becomes our identity. We'll go to great lengths to protect that identity. We'll rationalize until we're blue in the face. I shoved aside the idea of "depression" and thought of myself as just philosophical, sensitive, smart enough to acknowledge realities like mortality and write bad poetry about them. There was a sense of superiority in my outlook. I protected the depression, in a way, by thinking of myself as more aware than other people, not so easily amused by simple pleasures like reality TV. I was above all that...and, well, not very happy.

The thing with mental illnesses is that they come with built-in self-protection mechanisms. There's a lot of stigma about mental illness, so we try our hardest to avoid that diagnosis, to fend it off. With anorexia, it's gotten really easy, considering all the focus on "health" in our society. Restrictions hide behind various causes and movements. I'm not anorexic, I'm just for animal rights. I'm not anorexic, I just want to support organic farming. I'm not anorexic, I just think preservatives and artificial ingredients cause cancer. I'm not anorexic, I'm just allergic to processed foods (yes, I've heard this). It wasn't really like this when I developed anorexia, though there were anti-fat and anti-carb frenzies to "help" my cause a bit. Still, I was the queen of excuses. I blamed weight loss on walking across campus, on a busy schedule, on "forgetting" to eat, on an out-of-whack metabolism.

Why do we look for alternate reasons like this? I think it's because if we were to admit the true issue -- depression, anorexia, whatever -- we'd have to, you know, do something about it. And that part -- doing something about it -- kind of sucks.

I've found myself saying lots of things like this: I don't need to go to therapy; I just need more hot baths. I don't need medication; I just need to learn to meditate. I have to think the reason mental health parity is so difficult is because those of us with mental health issues continue to think we can self-treat our brains. It's not just health insurance companies that don't want to acknowledge mental health problems; it's us. Even though I take medication for depression, I still find myself judgmental toward mental illness. I still hear that voice in my head that says, "Oh, come on, just snap out of it." I still criticize pharmaceutical companies for getting rich off creating demand for pills. And I still refrain from mentioning to people in my "real life" that I've struggled with any of this stuff.

What is your view of mental illnesses, like depression, anxiety or eating disorders? Do you have compassion, judgment, or both?

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Today's gratitude:

1. All of you "Sliding Doors" and Gwyneth Paltrow fans. Who knew? I'm right there with you. I love that movie, and love her.

2. Weekend plans in the making: Potential blogger meet-up on Saturday, shopping with mom, and writer chat/Starbucks outing on Sunday. And I thought I was antisocial...

3. Trader Joe's frozen yogurt. This stuff is really good, and there are so many good topping combinations (I had it with granola last night). I highly recommend it.

4. Free car servicing. I had no idea that when you lease a car, they do all the maintenance checks at no charge.

5. Hump day.