The wannabe fashionista

Here's something unfortunate about me: I love fashion, but I hate to shop. This is almost as unfortunate as when I loved men, but hated to date. I find myself perpetually unhappy with my wardrobe and constantly envisioning myself in different, more sophisticated clothes. I like looking through magazines and spotting what I like. I spend quite a bit of time online, browsing for clothes (I call this "browser window shopping"). I can see how I could un-frump-ify myself. It excites me, until I remember that bit about hating shopping. Still, when I close my eyes, I'm in a J. Crew catalog, running through fields in cute cardigans and khakis. I look at pictures like these and think, "THIS COULD BE ME."

(Source: My imagination, and also JCrew.com)

There is so much talk in blogland about images of thin women and how it affects our self-concept. Seeing thin women has never really bothered me. I only paid attention to weight when I was actively sick. What makes me feel more inadequate is seeing stylish women -- those women with the perfectly fitted blazers and perfect-length pants and leather boots and fancy scarves and cool accessories. Those women who take the time to do something with their hair, have manicured nails and perfectly made-up faces. I long to be these women.

But, the reality is that I bite my nails and I buy make-up at Target. I do OK with applying the make-up but, by the end of the day, I've rubbed my eyes so there's black under them, making me look like I follow heavy metal or just had a very traumatic personal event. There are deodorant marks on 75% of my shirts, and 90% of the time, I can't be bothered to care. I've worn the same 5 pairs of shoes since 2002. I only wash my hair every other day, and on the days I do wash it, sometimes I don't dry it. I have no idea how to curl it. I have 3 pairs of jeans that I rotate, and one pair of non-jean pants. And I have about 10 acceptable shirts, most given to me by my mom or sister because they know I hate to shop (and they're sick of seeing that flower-print blouse from 1998).

Yes, this is the crux of my discontent -- the hatred of shopping. Why do I hate shopping, you ask? Am I missing estrogen? Perhaps, but there are other reasons. First of all, I am incredibly impatient. Going through racks of clothes in multiple stores is pretty much torture to me. Some women love this kind of hunt, but not me. I'm exhausted after twenty minutes of this.

Even if I find something on the rack that looks promising, then there is the whole trying-on process. Wait in line. Deal with an overly-cheerful sales person who says she's going to "grab some things real quick" that she thinks would look great on you. These things that she grabs NEVER look great on you, by the way. They won't even be your size. You can make the assumption that she blindfolded herself with someone's discarded shirt and then reached for some miscellaneous items. But, she'll knock on your door every couple minutes to ask how everything is working and you'll want to say, "IT'S NOT, BITCH," but you have manners...sometimes.

Anyway, I'm not an easy fit, which makes trying on clothes frustrating. I'm tall, but not just regular tall. Like, oddly tall. My limbs are really long, so most pants make me look like I'm anticipating a flood, and most shirts make me feel like the Incredible Hulk, when he's going through the change and his arms shoot out of the bottom of his sleeves. I always feel uncomfortable, like things are too small, like skin is showing where it shouldn't be. At this point, I get flustered, but I put everything back on the hangers because I'm too compliant for my own good. Then I tell the cheerful girl that nothing worked, which never upsets her like I want it to.

The answer, my mom says, is to go to more expensive stores, that have more tailored clothes for tall people. Enter reason #2 why I don't like shopping: Spending money is involved, unless you're a shoplifter, which I'm not. I stole bubble gum once when I was a kid and my parents made me go back to the grocery store and apologize to the manager. It was humiliating enough to end my crime streak.

After I meet up with Ameena tomorrow, I'm shopping with my mom. Wish me luck.

What's your personal style? Do you like to shop? Do you have any fashion insecurities?

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Today's gratitude:
1. Great article about "the endless to-do list and priorities" at Beyond Blue.
2. "Project Runway" + calzone night with Larry.
3. "The Marriage Ref" on hulu.com. Our DVR was too occupied last night to record this, and I'm excited to see it.
4. Making a CD for my friend. I love making CDs for people.
5. It's Friday!