Symptoms of happiness

I've had a great weekend, spent in good company. That company has not included any unwelcome guests, namely depression or anorexia. I've felt free. I considered for the first time the other day that maybe I'd start rescinding the notion that I'll always be "in recovery." I've liked this phrase because it feels like a safe, comfortable blanket. I had one of those until I was thirteen, so obviously I like them. "I'm recovered" sounds so confident, so sure. But, lately, I've felt more confident, more sure. I think I'm just about at the place I would call "ideal." I'm just about where I want to be.

We spend a lot of time talking about the symptoms of illness, but what about the symptoms of recuperation? Not just regained weight, but regained personality, regained happiness. As I was walking through the mall yesterday, I thought of this:

You know you're just about recovered when...

1. You want to socialize with people.
For me, isolating is a sure sign that something is off. I am introverted, in that I need quite a bit of downtime after socializing to recuperate and catch up on "me" stuff (reading, writing, watching TV and movies, cuddling with the kitties, bugging my husband). But, I like people. I enjoy connecting with them. Please remind me of this if I go through another funk and insist that whoever said "No man is an island" is stupid.

I met up with Ameena yesterday at a mall halfway between our homes. We both got there early and bumped into each other walking. I have to say I was nervous. It felt like a blind date. But, after a few minutes, it was easy. We went to Starbucks and talked for almost two hours -- about writing, husbands, kids. She is just as charming and funny and intelligent and sweet in person as she is on her blog. When I met up with my mom after, I said, like a six-year-old, "I think I made a new friend." I'm really dorky.

Have you met up with fellow bloggers before?

2. People want to socialize with you.
My mom met me at the mall after for lunch and shopping. It was a great afternoon of girl time, summarized by my mom saying, "I like happy Kim." Ha. I know she loved sad Kim too, but I'm sure it's nice to be around someone who isn't mopey, worrisome, and anxious. I'm sure she also appreciated that I did not break down in tears during the shopping. More on this in a moment...

3. You don't look at the nutrition facts.
We went to California Pizza Kitchen for lunch. I was pretty sure we'd go there, as this mall has two food options -- Wetzel's Pretzels and CPK. I knew they had nutrition facts online, but I didn't look up the information. Frankly, I don't want to know this stuff anymore! I have enough numbers already imprinted on my brain and it's difficult to rid myself of them. I don't want to add more.

When we sat to eat, they presented the nutrition facts in a little folder along with the menu. Oh my lord, why are they doing this at restaurants? I kind of laughed about it and set it aside, very deliberately. I got a focaccia bread sandwich and a bowl of soup. It was delicious.

4. You're hungry.
For me, hunger is squelched by anxiety. If I'm hungry, it means my anxiety is being kept at bay, which is a huge component of my recovery. I've been very hungry lately.

5. You spend money on yourself.
Okay, so, I have to thank all of you for your shopping suggestions and inspiration. I was motivated. I came to South Bay Galleria. And I conquered. This is what I got:


That would be:
-A few shirts from Banana Republic
-Jeans and a shirt from Gap
-2 pairs of non-jean pants and 2 scarves from The Limited
-Capri pants, a skirt, 2 t-shirts, a ruffly shirt, a jacket, and 2 button-downs from Express

And I also got some cute flats at Bandolino.

Um, my credit card company called to check on the "unusual activity on the account." Yes, me buying anything is kind of unusual.

I guess you could say it was a success. You know, I didn't even look at the price tags or start calculating. I knew I needed new clothes and I actually enjoyed treating myself. I didn't even have any self-hate moments in front of the mirrors. It was rather revolutionary. I told my husband that the medication I'm taking may be working a bit too well. I can't seem to get worked up about much of anything.

This is my favorite purchase -- a red and blue scarf:


6. You sleep.
This, along with the "you're hungry" thing, is related to managing anxiety. I haven't been the best sleeper in my adult years (which is when my anxiety and depression got worse). Lately, sleep isn't as much of an issue. I don't lie in bed and stress about whether or not I'll get eight hours. I'm just more relaxed about it, which means I sleep better.

I'm off to meet my writerly friend, Meredith, to discuss writerly projects. I'm looking forward to watching The Oscars tonight.

What are your symptoms of happiness?
Are you watching The Oscars?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. The condo is clean!

2. I was so energized from my successful shopping that I did the grocery shopping yesterday too. Nice to have that done for the week.

3. I have my 1-month check-in with the psychiatrist tomorrow. I can't wait to kiss his feet. Do you think he'll prescribe me an anti-psychotic if I kiss his feet?

4. "Bitter is the New Black." Ameena gave this to me when we met up and I can't wait to read it. I'm still reading "Hawaii," hoping that my mom is right when she says "it gets better."

5. Tortilla chips. Sometimes I forget how good these are.