One month on Lexapro, and some movie fun

So, when I went on Lexapro a month ago, I said I'd check back in 4-6 weeks. That's how long my doctor said it would be for me to experience "the full effect." Here I am, and these are my thoughts:

For the first few days, I might not have been able to tell you what year it was. I was really out of it. My sleeping was off. I had nausea and upset stomach. I remember now why it's so easy to abandon medication.

After the first week, the side effects went away.

By a week-and-a-half in, I was feeling much lighter. Life didn't seem so heavy and burdensome anymore.

I have not had any of that "I'm a zombie" feeling that people complain about with antidepressants. I'm still me. In fact, I feel more "like me" than before. Being depressed was like an out of body experience.

I've been much more social, and excited about social activities. I used to dread weekends in this weird way, like there was too little time and too much pressure to fill it "correctly." Now, I look forward to weekends. I start daydreaming about them on Tuesday. I had minimal anxiety during the weekend with my mom and sister, and I've really enjoyed the outings with Larry and friends. I don't find myself stressing about so many little things, like the cost of a ticket or difficulty finding parking.

I'm definitely less moody. I've been keeping a mood log for the past several weeks. Before I started medication, I was getting up to about a 6 on a scale of 1-10, then falling fast to anywhere from a 1 to a 3 on a pretty regular basis. For the past few weeks, I've been 7-8 consistently.

I don't have as much obsessional thinking. The medication seems to have taken the edge off my anxieties. I just don't feel like I have to fight so hard to relax. I was doing lots of things like checking to make sure I closed the fridge 8 times (I have this fear of leaving it open so it runs down and all the food goes bad -- symbolic?). I was writing all these unnecessary reminders in my day planner (like "take a shower," as if I'm going to forget). All of that has basically stopped.

My sleeping is much better. I don't wake up anxious in the middle of the night. Now, if I wake up in the middle of the night, it's usually to pee. Sometimes, I still have a hard time going back to sleep, but I don't roll around huffing and puffing in frustration.

I don't find it as hard to spend money on myself, and I'm not as financially anorexic in general. In fact, I may like shopping now. This could be a new problem.

My body feels pretty much the same, though I'm far less concerned with monitoring it. I haven't weighed myself in weeks, nor have I felt the desire to. I don't feel as perfectionistic about my food. I'm a bit more easygoing about it. And I'm not counting nearly as much as I did before. My appetite really improved at about the 3-week mark.

Sometimes, I catch myself smiling for absolutely no reason at all, which is kind of geeky, but whatever.

I have more energy. Instead of looking at things as draining, I'm more enthused to cross them off my "to-do" list. I look at each day as offering me things to accomplish, not things to tire me.

I'm much more patient with people and situations. My moodiness made me very on edge, so I didn't deal well with little changes in my routines. This morning, I had to take a detour from my usual to attend an off-site client meeting and it didn't faze me at all. That's something that used to cause me to lose sleep.

Larry has definitely noticed a positive change. I think it was pretty hard for him to carry the weight of my depression. It's much easier for us as a couple now that I'm more stable. He said he'll do a guest post on this soon.

Overall, I no longer feel like a victim of life, like it's going to swallow me whole. Before, the littlest thing would seem overwhelming. Now, I feel much more grounded and confident in myself. That's just my experience so far. When I started medication, I went in search of others' experiences, for some consolation and understanding of what to expect. If I can give that to someone else, that's all I care about. I would never encourage anyone to try medication, as I'm not a doctor. And I was opposed to medication for a long time, so I understand the apprehensions and concerns. I guess I would just say that medication helped me get out of a depression that I was so accustomed to that I didn't even notice it. I had assumed I was just a mercurial, emotional, sensitive introvert. I'd accepted that as my personality. I'm still sensitive, and I'm still an introvert compared to most people, but I'm not so prone to lows, and I do like to get out of the house. Glad I realized that.

Have you ever experienced depression? What was it like for you? How did you get out of it?

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And now for some movie fun! I hope you all enjoyed the Oscars. I did. I still have to see many of the nominated movies, but I do love the hoopla. As Bill Maher said in Friday's episode of "Real Time," movies are one of the only American products people around the world still want to buy, so I'm all about supporting them.

Being a movie lover myself, I thought it'd be fun to get your answers to these questions:
1. Who would you want to play you in a movie?
2. Have you ever walked out of a movie before? Which one?
3. What movie(s) have you seen more than 10 times?
4. What movie love stories do you like the most?
5. What movie scared the hell out of you?
6. What movie made you cry the hardest?
7. What movie do you find yourself quoting most?
8. What's your favorite movie soundtrack?

I'll post my answers after I get yours!

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Today's gratitude:
1. I finally made a doctor's appointment to have some moles removed. I know, gross. I really should do this though. I'm very fair-skinned, blah blah blah. My childhood friend's dad just died of skin cancer. It's serious, yo.
2. I mailed a CD to my friend in New Orleans. So productive today!
3. I have a fun essay in the works, tentatively titled: "Death of the Book Writer: How Technology is Threatening Not Only Paperbacks, but the People who Pen Them."
4. I had my one-month check-in with the psychiatrist today. I did not kiss his feet, but I thought about it.
5. I organized my closet yesterday, inspired by my new purchases. I have some stuff ready for a Goodwill run.