Knowing what I know now...

The other night, I watched "The Time Traveler's Wife," a movie based on a book I never got around to reading. In the movie, Henry (played by Eric Bana) is a time traveler. He is constantly going back and forth between different times in his life, arriving naked at each destination (which is just fine by me. Have you seen this guy?). The movie is about the love he shares with his wife, Claire (played by Rachel McAdams). He's able to visit her when she's just a child, appearing in a meadow, naked, to hang out. I found this rather creepy. I have a hard time with otherworldly romances, sorry.

This movie left me asking two questions:

1. How cute is Eric Bana?! This is rhetorical. You don't need to answer.

2. If you could travel in time to visit younger you, what would you say?

Knowing what I know now, I'd have all kinds of advice, like:

• -Don't write all those letters to Joey in New Kids on the Block. He won't write you back.
• -Don't write "F*ck you" on the bottom of Bobby's cup when selling lemonade. Yes, Bobby is annoying, but this is a bad business move for a ten-year-old.
• -All those AP classes really won't matter, so don't stress so much. Really.
• -Try out for basketball. You're tall, and your last name is "Hooper" so it seems sort of destined.
• -A perm is a really bad choice.
• -You will have braces for, like, 8 years, so stop hoping otherwise.
  
• -Baking powder and baking soda are not the same thing. Please stop torturing family members with your baking attempts.
• -Don't get on boats. You throw up even when they're anchored.
• -If you cut the hair on your Barbie dolls, it will not grow back.
• -Yes, the fact that your high school boyfriend sleeps with a knife under his pillow IS a red flag. (Note: He wanted to be in the Navy Seals. I don't know).

The thing is that I'm a stubborn soul. If older me arrived, naked, and told younger me these words of wisdom, younger me would have rolled her eyes and quipped, "You should go back to the eighties and see 'Back to the Future' because this little concept of yours has been done before. Also, I'm really disappointed that your boobs are so small."

Seriously, though, what would I say to Kim deep in anorexia? I feel like I know so much about this disease now, while still understanding so little. I don't know what I would say. I feel like there are no words that could have stopped the runaway train that was my eating disorder. My mom says things like, "Maybe it just needed to run its course." In some ways, I agree with this. There wasn't one magical moment when I was just "over it." There were no life-changing, disease-ending epiphanies. It's been a journey for me. It's been an evolution of learning how to manage anxiety and depression. Of course, things could have gotten way worse if I didn't have the intervention of doctors, therapists, and nutritionists; but I don't know that the treatment team made things much better. For me, things have gotten better very gradually, through multiple therapists, meal plans, setbacks and victories. And I don't know that I would say the "course has been run" now. There are many personality traits that drove anorexia that are still part of who I am. I just know myself a little better and I make healthier choices.

One of the main reasons I haven't really considered going into any field helping others with eating disorders is because I don't know how to help, exactly. If I had a daughter with anorexia, I would feel more educated than the average parent, but just as terrified. I would probably recognize it sooner, and maybe that would help, but maybe it wouldn't. Adequate nutrition is most important. But, then what? What about relapses? What about brain wiring? Eating disorders are complicated. I can empathize. I can understand. I "get" it. But, I don't know how to make behaviors or ways of thinking just stop. Baby steps, little changes, experiments, building momentum -- these are all part of progress, but there is no hard and fast to-do list with recovery which, trust me, is very frustrating for a lover of to-do lists.

I suppose this is what I'd say to struggling, younger me: "Don't worry about being perfect at anorexia or perfect at recovery (yes, you'll decide to recover, and you'll want to be perfect at it, which will really only make things worse). Just accept who you are, where you are. It'll all be fine -- imperfect, but fine."

If you could visit younger versions of yourself, what would you say?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. Sleep. Whatever sleeplessness I was having seems to have given way to this state of feeling like I could sleep for days. I guess I'm really relaxed.
2. Fun weekend ahead! We're going to see Larry's mom ride in a rodeo on Saturday.
3. There's a new Goodwill location right next to our condo. Larry thinks it's funny that this makes me so excited. I really like to give things away.
4. Smooth skin. I started using Dermalogica recently and I really love it. I haven't had to use much cover-up or anything. I think I'll shop for new make-up this weekend.
5. JCrew.com swimsuits. I'm thinking of getting a one-piece. I guess these are "in" now? I haven't bought a bathing suit since...2005? I need one for Maui!