Just a few weeks ago, I was stuck in the proverbial rut. I would think of something to do (go to a gymnastics meet, go ice skating, go out to brunch), and then come up with a number of reasons why it was better to just stay home. These ranged from, "I should really scrub the shower" to "There's a showing of 'Baby Mama' on HBO and I don't want to clog my DVR." I did all this thinking about whether or not I was just an introverted homebody. Did I just have to accept this? Adopt more cats and embrace my fate? Then I started anti-depressants and realized that all that convoluted thinking was depression. Yes, I am an introverted homebody compared to most people, but it really comes down to my answer on that all-too-common depression questionnaire:
Are you less interested in people and activities?
Why, yes, yes I was. I tried to rationalize that I was just older, that I'd changed. I got very Larry David about it all, defensive of my state of mind, unwilling to accept that I had a pesky serotonin issue. I mean, how unoriginal. How trite.
On Friday, I noted a new feeling: excitement. I was excited to spend the weekend with my mom and sister. I hadn't felt excited for anything in a long time, especially something involving leaving the house wearing something other than my gray pajama pants, driving, socializing, and eating food that I had not planned in my head at least 12 hours in advance. I didn't really care what the weekend had in store; I was just excited to be excited.
I did actually enjoy myself. I wasn't tense. I wasn't anxious. I didn't sit with my knees to my chest and rock back and forth slowly at any point during the weekend. I was, you know, normal. Pleasant. Calm.
Some highlights:
- Not hydroplaning on the freeway while driving in the rain to my parents' house.
- Spending the night in my old bed.
- Meeting my sister's Boxer puppy, Sarah (we decided to include her in the Girl's Weekend. The older dog, Sammy, tolerates her just fine).
- Breakfast at Marmalade Cafe in Calabasas. There were no celebrity sightings (I saw Jessica Simpson there once and have no idea how anyone could call her fat).
- Memories of "Supermarket Sweet" while running through Trader Joe's, grabbing things for lunch and dinner. We actually managed to agree on a menu.
- Walking the dogs down by the ocean. There was a big pod of dolphins about thirty feet offshore.
- All five of us sitting on the balcony, in our respective beach chairs, soaking up the sun.
- Napping on the couch because Olympic cross-country skiing will put anyone to sleep.
- Making dinner: Salmon, gnocci, salad, bruschetta, strawberries and blueberries.
- Floating in the heated pool, laughing about how we'd spend hours in the pool as kids.
- Sharing our love of Joel McHale.
- Breakfast at the Summerland Cafe, after a beautiful drive up the coast. I realize I just order off the menu now. At some point, I stopped asking for alterations. If my english muffin comes buttered, I don't care. I don't request egg whites. I don't substitute for the potatoes. I'm a simple orderer now.
- Walking on the train tracks, using the rails like balance beams.
- My sister's hugs. She hugs like she's never going to see you ever again.
When I came home, I wasn't my usual ball of nervous energy, rifling through mail like a crazy person, reorganizing the pantry obsessively, inspecting Larry's vacuum job with a critical eye. I felt relaxed, just happy to see him and the kitties. I did my best to catch up on blogs (always a daunting task after a couple days away), made dinner for us, watched TV (does anyone else watch "Man vs. Wild"? He ate a freaking octopus, raw!).
What did you do this weekend? Are your weekends usually full and busy, or quiet?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I'm hungry for lunch. My appetite still isn't stellar, so I love the days my stomach talks to me.
2. I was super productive at work this morning.
3. I plan to have our tax paperwork out of our hands sometime this week.
4. I'm pondering a haircut.
5. Women's figure skating starts tomorrow night.
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19 comments:
I am a total homebody myself. I would often rather spend my Friday night in front of the computer or TV than go out with my brother or Ali to a new restaurant or even a movie. I can see myself getting worse and lazier about going new places so lately I have been forcing myself to break out of my bad habits.
Your trip sounds amazing. I love the fact that you threw yourself into it and didn't plan your food, etc. Not an easy thing to do I'm sure!
I used to love Supermarket Sweep! It had such an 80's wholesome quality about it. Great show!
I need better drugs, clearly. At any rate, I'm so glad to hear you enjoyed yourself, although how could you not? Great food, sunshine, pools, Joel McHale? Hello? Even I would enjoy myself in that situation ;)
At any rate, my weekend was spent scrubbing the shower and watching "Baby Mama" on HBO in my gray sweatpants, so I can't compare. Glad you had fun. I get my hair did tomorrow (what's left of it).
Do something different. It's fun.
P.S. my capscha (sp?) thing below? "Fartick" WTF?
Wow, this got me thinking. I sometimes feel like "oh I have changed"..."oh, that is just not my thing"...but i wonder...how could i just 5 years ago be travelling with my sports team? eating at pizza places? going out for celebratory drinks? working all the time and studying and socializing in school? staying up all hours for girls nights?
and now be changed? have i really changed...or am i just depressed?
You always get me thinking.
Your weekend sounds great...and your gratitude list wonderful...i hear u on no appetite...i have not felt hunger in the last 5 years...wondering if i ever will again :)
I am so glad to hear that you had a nice weekend. It sounds like you are getting a boost from the meds, and that is great. Also it sounds like a nice and relaxing weekend! Dolphins, lying in the sun, a puppy, a nap, salmon dinner - what's not to like?
I am looking forward to the women's figure skating, too! I was trying to think what I had to look forward to this week, it being Monday & all, and the skating came to mind.
I hate to admit it, but most of the time I prefer to have weekends at home so that I can be in control of what I eat. But I'm finding that if my weekends are full of activity I'm a lot happier and able to just go with the flow.
I'm glad you had fun :) yay for enjoying things again! I used to need to force myself to go out at weekends/evenings but it's getting a lot easier now, and I find myself wanting to go places as well rather than fighting to get myself out the door. It's such a novelty to be enthusiastic about life!
can't wait for women's figure skating!!!!
Hee I'm loving this excited and relaxed Kim. I hope everyday is like this...learning to calm down, but be happy and joyful about the little things in life!
I used to be the hugest homebody in the history of homebodies- it was also coincidentally during the times I was deep in my ED- because pre-ED I had been anything but...and I have to say having excitement back is SO EXCITING! It used to be that everything felt like too much trouble, a hassle, not worth it so I would spend the entire day slumped in bed doing useless crap on my laptop. Now, I can't even remember how I could have possibly just wanted to spend my college weekend nights sitting in my room and going to bed early when I could be driving around Portland with my friends getting late night diner grub (without altering the orders...man, being an easy orderer makes life so much less stressful!), hanging out on porches/couches listening to music, talking, going out...life basically is interesting again.
It sounds like you had an amazing weekend full of great company, exciting events, and delicious food :)
While I've been reading your blog for a long time I don't think I've ever left an official de-lurking comment... History in the making right here! I see you as a HUGE inspiration and hearing about how you're doing gives me so much hope. I think partially because I live (I assume) really close to you. The Counter was a frequent meal outing location for an IOP program I was in. I saw many a girl freak out over sweet potato fries. ;) But anyways, so I hope to someday be where you are, and reading your blog gives me hope that maybe someday I will. So thanks!
Glad you enjoyed your weekend!
Rachael*
So glad you are at a place where you can truly have fun with a weekend that is a break from routine. I'm sure that your family is over the moon that they get to enjoy you in whole new ways these days.
To answer your question about weekends: Match works a 24 hour shift from Friday to Saturday evening (although he gets to sleep at work, he's not up all night), so that's usually my "me" time, then I get "we" time Saturday night and Sunday. Works well for me!
that's really exciting! I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. =)
SO incredibly happy that you are finding new peace and joy. and it's not that it's the lexapro -- that's just medicine. like if you take benadryl and your nose stops dripping. it's YOU who feel better.
i had a wonderful weekend. we went to visit my sister and her family. i'm NOT being subjective, of course, but my niece and nephew are THE BEST people ever.
everyone doted on us -- they took us to fun places and to wherever we wanted; they wouldn't left us lift a finger or pay for anything; AND we laughed the whole weekend. what vacation could be better?
We had joyful family meals and late nights chatting.
isn't it the best?
I'm really struggling with this myself--how much of the wanted to avoid everyone and everything is depression/some other problem and how much is just my introverted nature. I think I let myself believe that I'm just an introverted person (which I definitely am) when really I'm letting depression talk me into staying home and avoiding the world. I've been trying to force myself to go out and do things lately hoping that once I go do them I'll enjoy them but honestly I haven't been enjoying them all that much. So I'm really glad that you enjoyed yourself and had a great time!
I did my taxes this weekend. Fun... But at least they are done.
Gosh, this is so me. I can come up with any excuse under the sun for why I should stay home. And I've started to convince myself that I am a homebody. But where do we draw the line? This makes me wonder if I should look at my situation more seriously, because my "love" of being alone is starting to annoy me.
Anyways, your weekend sounds amazing. So many highlights! That's awesome, I'm really happy for you :)
another lurker coming forward!
i could so relate to much of what you wrote. i too prefer staying at home and eating my foods, not having to worry about packing food or worrying what food will be wherever we are going. i also often question - is it me, just getting older and becoming more introverted, people change yada yada.
good for you for seeking help and having an amazing weekend!
Your weekend sounds lovely! Glad that it seems that the 'fog' has lifted for you and that you are looking forward to things. That's always a great feeling.
I definitely need a balance, although the balance is probably weighted to the "stay-at-home" side, to be honest. Still, I do enjoy getting out and about with friends, as long as we don't get stuck in traffic! However, I can be just as content watching a good movie and eating a home-cooked meal in the comfort of my living room.
I am glad you had a good weekend! When I am in RR, I'm a homebody but I am working on that. I spent this weekend with my mom and had a great time. When I go home, I usually spend time with my mom and son.
We love Joel too! Just a few hours ago, I got an email that he will be in Chicago in May. I don't think we can afford to go though ;)
I am so happy you figured out it was depression and that the Lexapro is working. I think I would have done the same thing - just felt like I was a grown-up who wanted to be at home.
I love weekends like the one you had. I like to balance then with a quiet following weekend. I try NOT to pack my weekend with plans, because I get stressed. We were out all day this Saturday and busy all day Sunday... I felt frustrated that I didn't get any me time. All about balance, right?
I am so happy you had a great time!
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