My romanticism persisted for a number of years. I made a poem into a puzzle once and mailed it to my boyfriend, one piece at a time. I've baked brownies for love. I've made more photo collages than I care to admit. I've hidden sentimental trinkets under pillows. I've written love quotes on napkins. I've always said I'm not a hopeless romantic; I'm a hopeful romantic. I was convinced that I would find "the one," a soul mate, and it would be like it is in the movies.
Except life isn't really like that, as demonstrated by a few relationships that, years later, cause me to furrow my eyebrows in utter confusion. What was I thinking? There was the guy who aspired to be a jazz pianist but, unfortunately, could not hold a job long enough to pay any sort of bill. We're Facebook friends and he now lives with his mother. He's 34. There was the guy who was sort of seeing his ex-girlfriend for the first few months he was seeing me. He also lived with his mother (wait, what's going on here?). There was the guy who brought a coupon to Red Robin for our date (then told me that he'd prefer if I pay my half to him in cash), the guy who told me he'd always love his dog more than a woman, and the guy who had two children he neglected to mention (in addition to an on-the-rocks, live-in girlfriend). This last guy also lied about his age.
I guess you could say I've had some interesting dating experiences. You could also say that I'm very naive and gullible. It's the hopeful romantic in me.
When I met Larry, I was kind of tired of dating. I just enjoyed his friendship. And then it was more than friendship. It took us both a while to see each other that way. I used to hear people say, "We were friends first, and then we fell in love," and I'd roll my eyes. Friends first? Where's the passion? The lust? The I-saw-you-across-the-room-and-felt-a-jolt-of-electricity? It wasn't like that with us and, yet, it's been the most fulfilling relationship of my life. Obviously. He's my husband.
Our relationship turned a lot of assumptions on their heads for me. I used to buy into that idea that you have to be your "best self" before you can fall in love with the right person. Now, I think that's bullshit. What does "best self" even mean anyway? I didn't have everything figured out when I met Larry, and he didn't have everything figured out when he met me. I mean, does it look like we have anything figured out?
We think back to when we first started dating and we laugh because it was just so different. We've grown together, evolved together, helped each other be better, healthier people. That's what it's all about, isn't it?
From our wedding reception (note: We still did not have it all figured out here, but I like this picture).
My favorite love quote goes something like this: "When you fall in love with someone, it's kind of like falling in love with yourself, because you start to see yourself as the other person sees you."
I love that. Larry sees me as this funny, smart, creative, beautiful woman. When I'm feeling especially self-critical, I try to put on the Larry lenses and see what he sees.
How does your significant other see you? Is it in line with how you see yourself?
***
Today's Gratitude:
1. Larry and I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day, but he came with me to a gymnastics meet (UCLA vs Stanford), which I know isn't really his idea of a great time. It was fun!
2. Yes, you read that right. I actually GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE. I'm so happy I felt motivated to do that. I don't know if the medication is working yet or if it's just placebo effect, but I feel much better.
3. I have had two AMAZING nights of sleep and I feel like a new woman.
4. The weather in Southern California has been absolutely gorgeous.
5. There's a Girls Weekend in the works for my sister, my mom, and me. We'll be going to my parents' beach condo next weekend, and I dare to say I'm looking forward to it.
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23 comments:
Thank you for sharing this. I loved reading it. And I love that quote. I wonder what Steven sees in me? I will have to ask him. Hopefully, someone who is motivated, hard-working and fun. Sometimes I think he sees someone else.
Girls weekend?! YAY!
As we're about to watch "500 days of summer", it seems appropriate to reply to something that deals with love and relationships. I must admit that I've always been quite the cynic regarding romance, love, marriage and relationships. Michael and I had whirlwind moments initially, but of course it was supposed to be a fling, being that he lived in NYC and I in CA. He took a huge step when he quit a job to move west, and we both took a major leap of faith when we decided to get hitched. Three weeks later (with most of the planning done in another country), we had sealed the deal.
I love that we were spontaneous and that we did trust each other enough to get married before we even lived in the same place. I wouldn't really recommend it to many people, but we've been lucky.
And I do think that luck or chance often plays an important role in love and relationships.
I consider myself "lucky" every single day because I have this great person who shares my life and who has much more faith in me than I have in myself. Although we are very different people, we share similar values and experiences, which I believe is key to a strong relationship.
Sorry - enough deep thoughts!
Love the quote - by the way!
I almost could have written those last two paragraphs. I had pretty much given up looking when I got together with my husband, G. We met through a mutual friend, and we were actually roommates before we fell in love (though we were roommates who had the hots for each other).
I also agree that the "first you have to love yourself" trope is bullshit. My husband G. and I helped each other to be better people. We were both in difficult places when we met, and each other's love and support made us both happier and more confident.
Yesterday I left a comment on the blog Endurance Isn't Only Physical, where people were talking about learning to love themselves yadda yadda yadda, that said "But I also believe that love that comes from outside can change your life, too."
Happy Valentine's Day, you crazy kids! :-)
Nice story and nice quote. :) I hope this doesn't sound creepy, but it has been really interesting to observe, via your blog, how you have built your marriage with Larry over the past year or two. I'm definitely glad you have found someone that can help you see positive parts of yourself that you might not recognize otherwise.
And great job with getting out of the house to go to an event! The more often you break routine or leave your normal routine, the easier it will be to have adventures and broaden your day to day life.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I love your dress!!
I completely agree that you don't have to be your "best self". Heck, I don't think I'm ever going to be my best self. But I'm happy enough :D
What a nice post for Valentine's Day...what a beautiful wedding photo. You look stunning, and happy.
Ali sees me a much better light than I see myself. He is okay with all my quirks, my terrible temper, my selfishness. He never complains and always deals with my moods. I have no idea why he is with me other than the fact that I cook for him and do groceries. Oh, and I take care of his child.
Seriously though, so happy you found your hubby and that you are in a fulfilling relationship. That is more than most people can ever dream of.
kim i love your wedding dress, beautiful photo of the two of you, your tales of romance are gorgeous
I've never exactly considered myself a hopeless romantic, but I always wanted that feeling of being swept off my feet. That someone just looked at me and said he knew that was the girl he was going to marry (this actually happened with my dad). But rarely does this truly happen or the relationship even lasts.
I agree the idea of "best self" isn't worth it, because in any relationship, you want to be able to see both the bests and worsts of selves. It's the only way to truly know someone and whether you can weather through it.
And I totally agree with the last quote!
Yeah for getting out of the house, good sleep, and gorgeous weather. I think all those things would brighten most people's day.
What lovely photos :-) I think I need to embrace romanticism a little more, otherwise I'll be single forever haha xx
Color me jealous of this whole post. As for what my significant other thinks of me...well, if dogs could talk, I would let you know. :)
Glad you're feeling so much better!
Ditto what Abby and Sarah said ;) this was a lovely post, and that first photo is brilliant! I agree with the quote too, my one and only long term relationship did wonders for my confidence, he sort of reverse bullied me into seeing myself the way he did. Which was pretty complimentary, hehe.
Ooh, sleep! I think I'm jealous of that as well ;)
This is really great. While I have historically let my my anxiety get the best of me in EVERY relationship I've attempted. I had my first "offical" Valentine's evening with this new guy last night. We have only known each other a few weeks, but we just have fun together, and get along.
I'm fearful and hopeful for what's to come out of my love life, but I agree, there is no such thing as our "best self". I think each person coming into a relationship should be somewhat "at peace" with themselves, but other than that, we should just try our best everyday.
I hope to see myself as this guy sees me.
what a great post. it reminds me that despite all the crazies, there are some genuine guys out there :)
and that maybe NOT looking for it and just meeting new people and making new friends is a great way to start.
what a beautiful post. i love that you went to a gymnastics meet - i wanna do that!!!
Your story is so sweet. It gives me hope for the future. Isn't sleep the best thing ever! Also thanks for all of your words of encouragement. They mean so much!
Wow girl,
you guys look...fantastic. Seriously, you are beautiful and he is cute and you just seem so chill and content.
I like this post.
Unfortunately, I have never really known love...at all.
And I am 28 years old. I am rather "ashamed" or maybe embarrassed is the right word...I cannot even bring myself to talk about my insecurities or past or fears for the future.
Maybe it is all a part of the sadness...the isolation...the fear...what, I have no freaking idea.
I am glad u are starting to feel better.
And girl, your V-day sounded great to me. I am embarking on peace with a "simple" life....pj's and TV..why the hell is that so "bad"? Love it Kim!
What a fantastic post. Everyone says my husband sees me better than I see myself, though since I've been "in remission," I see the me that he sees more and more every day. Thanks for your awesome comment on my post: "Just because you eat 1,000 calories in one sitting doesn’t mean it’s a binge. I struggled with restrictive anorexia and sometimes my dinner is 1,000 calories because I’m HUNGRY." So well said! It is an ongoing frustration trying to get people to stop using the word "binge" incorrectly. I'm so glad you commented on my blog. I look forward to reading more of yours.
Beautiful post. I wholeheartedly agree.
When I met my now husband of 2 years, we ended up getting engaged after only 3 months. (We were engaged for a whole year and a month though). Some people thought we were crazy at first, but MY favorite love quote is: "When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
Makes sense, right? Anyway, we've been married 2 years and it just keeps getting better. Hopeful romantics all the way!
This is so sweet! I loved hearing a little more about your story. Thanks for sharing!
Oh, Kim, this post made me feel warm and toasty inside. I've never actually been in love, so to be honest, I can't see and understand the big deal about it yet. But it's always touching to see instances of a real, practical, and relatable love that improves both sides.
Thanks for sharing this. I loved the pictures of you guys. And I think it's so true that love helps you see yourself the way the person who loves you does. It's such a wonderful thing when you have something special like that.
Ah, this: "I used to buy into that idea that you have to be your 'best self' before you can fall in love with the right person. Now, I think that's bullshit." This is a prevailing theme of our generation, I think. I hear this from SO many friends... e.g. "I need to finish law school first" "I need to see more of the world first." But I think you can also grow together...become who you want to be as a team. That's how it is for me and N, too. We're just figuring it out as we go along. And having experienced this, I wouldn't have it any other way! xoxo
GREAT POST for valentines day! i have to ask because i am currently stumped on such topics... how did you allow another person into your life? and how did you manage your ED "safety bubble" with it or were you further into recovery when yall met? i am having trouble opening up to guys for a relationship past the crush-stage type deal.
THANKS!!!
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