I've always been cheap. Well, not always, I suppose. I don't think I was cheap when I was in kindergarten. I should say I've been cheap ever since I started making my own money (though, as a kid, I remember the pride I got from storing all my emptying-the-dishwasher chore funds in the little yellow bank under my bed. I was never the type to save for something specific; I just wanted to save. I would learn later that the term for this is "hoard," but whatever).
As an adult, I've been frugal, thrifty, stingy, miserly. All these words sound so negative and bad. I prefer "economical." Granted, my adult years have coincided with my anorexia years, dominated by a philosophy of restriction. I had a therapist tell me once, "With anorexia, when the weight goes down, the bank account goes up." Which makes sense. "Cutting back" can take many forms for someone with an anorexic mindset. Dollars, it turns out, can be counted just as compulsively as calories. And even as I've gotten better with the food stuff, I still struggle with anxiety about money (namely, the spending of it). I still face this daily mantra of "Save more, use less, conserve more, need less."
Then I realized that, strangely enough, this daily mantra fits in with a current trend. Let me explain.
I've had all these quirky behaviors -- re-using Ziploc bags (or packing food in Tupperware instead of plastic bags), forgoing paper towels for cloth rags, taking showers every other day, walking instead of driving, never using the heater or AC -- in attempts to save pennies here and there. Now, all those unattractive adjectives like frugal, thrifty, stingy, miserly can hide behind something far more "in": going green.
Yes, I'm not really an environment-loving hippie (though I do care a great deal about global warming and animal rights). I'm just cheap. I'm not likely to tell you this in person. I'm likely to say I'm being eco-friendly so I look better (we all know my concern with appearing not-weird). And I bet there are others like me. Those of us with anorexic mindsets are likely to recycle more, live more sustainably, etc; but we're driven more by neurosis than anything. So, ya, financial anorexia is good for the environment. How's that for a campaign slogan?
Taken further, many of the latest food restrictions are in the name of being eco-friendly. There is so much in the news about the ethics of industrialized agriculture right now, and I think it's pretty easy to hide anorexic food behaviors behind being an environmentalist. Of course, I don't think everyone who is vegan is disguising anorexia, but I think there are definitely some. When I went vegetarian, I had to think long and hard about my reasons. Yes, I was disturbed by ethical issues with eating meat, but was I just trying to impose another restriction on myself? I don't think so, given that I didn't eat much meat before, but it's still a valid concern.
It seems there's so much in the media about being aware of our carbon footprint. It's good to be aware, but it can go too far, especially for someone who thinks like I do. I suppose it's the perfectionist in me, the all-or-nothing thinker, with a propensity for feeling guilt. I feel like a failure when I leave the water running, waiting for it to get hot. I feel bad driving from Trader Joe's to Ralph's (they're in the same shopping center, but I'm lazy). I read about people who grow their own food and I feel -- guess? -- guilty. I have to remember that it's about everyone making little changes (and not one little person making every change possible).
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think you live in an environmentally friendly way? Do you deal with green guilt?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's Friday,!
2. We have a much-needed 3-day weekend. I plan to sleep as much as I can. This Lexapro is knocking me on my ass. I haven't slept well this week and I'm vaguely dizzy and sick to my stomach. I'm trying to be patient, and I think I'm doing a good job so far.
3. I have a massage on Monday.
4. The opening ceremony for the Olympics is tonight!
5. I'm considering going to a gymnastics meet at UCLA on Sunday. Depends how I feel.
Friday, February 12, 2010
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14 comments:
what's this gymnastics meet at UCLA on sunday? my sister is a gymnast and that's something she would totally love!!
I am guilty of re-using ziplocks, foil, and more. When I worked at Paramount my boss would get SO annoyed that I would reuse page # stickers. But I couldn't stop myself! I have been concerned about the environment for a while now and I drive everyone nuts with my "environment saving" lectures.
I am a total saver too. I tell my husband that when that rainy day comes I'll be in good shape. He just looks at me like I am nuts. Which I am.
Kim, you may be my long lost twin!
Haha ditto on the ziploc bags!!! And while I don't exactly consider myself cheap- I'm a saver, I try to go as long as possible without extracting $$ from the ATM...my record was ten months...then again, I'm a college student mostly dependent on my parents.
Have a great massage, I'm very jealous.
lexapro KICKED ME ON MY ASS. i was furious all the time about how sick it made me. (just ask my therapist -- she'll remember.) i only stayed on it because this was the ONLY time i was going thru the adjustment.
it took a week or so (a long time, i know. evidently, lexapro is one the hardest to adjust to) BUT then i started feeling better and better. it really works for me, but it did take a bit.
hang in there. i can't guarantee that it will work for you, but it worked for me. i hope it starts kicking in for you.
you may find yourself less guilty about everything. it's those little obsessional things that lose their "weight", so to speak.
unfortunately, i don't have a frugal bone in my body, which is a real problem. so, i can be as green as i want without any guilt.
kim, live a little -- if only to save the environment.
Yup, that's pretty much me to the last frugal detail. It's not only money, but I tend to have a minimalist view on a lot of things--I use minimal dishes/silverware per meal for some reason, I organize if I can combine stuff to create less clutter and of course, the food thing (always minimal so that there's wiggle room).
Plus, I've always had the mindset that I can do with less so that others can have more.
While I'm a penny pincher as well (want that wiggle room), I think it's really still a matter of perspective and I have to let myself "lose control" once in awhile and spend the money, eat the food, use two damn dishes! While it's good to save, in the end, what are we saving for? We only have now, blah, blah, blah.
As for the environment, I faced the same questions when I gave up meat and came to the same conclusion as you. I reuse Ziplocs and recycle when I can, but then I'll have days where I don't feel like going out to the recycle bin and chuck things in the trash, I use foil and if I'm cold, I want to crank the damn heat up.
Hope you feel better...the massage should help (and the pizza).
I am trying to be more green. I take my plastic bottles to recycle at the college and give any cans to one of my co-workers. And I can be bit of a saver also. I am looking forward to the opening ceremonies.
I can totally relate to you, I try to live as "green" as I possibly can. But sometimes i feel pressure to be perfect and feel guilty if I forget to recycle something or whatnot.
I am such a cheap person it's not even funny. I think it does go along with the whole anorexia/restriction idea. I feel like a "better" person if I spend less money, reuse my foil, etc. even though it makes absolutely no sense.
What I find funny is that often 'going green' is NOT the most economical option. Depending on my mood, I will sometimes buy organic meat, sometimes not, it depends, but the organic meat is definitely more expensive. Ditto for our weekly run to the farmer's market - somethings are way cheaper, but just as many things are twice as much because it's from a small, local, organic farm. And truly organic, socially-responsible clothing? I happen to love Patagonia which is pretty environmentally (and socially) responsible, and let me say that it is not 'economical'.
I must say that not having children has made our household far more green in the long term than a colleague who is "green" and is going on his fourth child. Ahem.
Not that people shouldn't have children because it's not environmentally friendly, but shit. When IS population control going to be something people can actually promote?
Okay, random thoughts.
"I think it's pretty easy to hide anorexic food behaviors behind being an environmentalist."
Fascinating - and I couldn't agree with you more.
i'm definitely guilty of feeling the guilt! that said, i try to just "do the best i can" - as i do with almost everything!
great post girl i can relate to the guilt so much! if anyone is ever in a bad mood or on edge, i immediately blame myself, regardless of the situation i feel like whatever is wong, is my fault. i am also the biggest cheapskate youll ever meet besides yoruself. i can squeeze a penny so tight its ridicuous! i do theno AC and heat thing too! with my ED however, i feel guilt in everythng i have caused eveyone around me to go through wile iw as never that rail thin naturaly person growing up i do believe there is a body aspct to my ED asit developed with cheerleading in college
It's true - most of my "green" habits are due to my inherent frugality tendencies.
I never saw the tie between psychological anorexia and finances. That's a really intricate link. Thanks for giving me some food for thought. Hmm!
We started doing things "greener" for the environment, but when Steven got laid off, I realized it saved us money as well. I always feel like there is more I can do, but tell myself I am doing the best I can at the moment. Everyone is at a different place in their lives.
I never thought of it in this manner though... as it related to being restrictive. You open my eyes to so much!
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