A couple sessions ago, my new therapist said, "I have a feeling that when you lie down at night and stare at the ceiling, your existential crisis has to do with comparison." What he meant is that much of my discontent is based on looking around me for the "right" way to be. What am I supposed to be doing? What's normal? What's the best? Am I weird? Am I doing it wrong? This is, not surprisingly, very true. But, in yesterday's session, I discovered something else -- I do a lot of comparing to myself, to how I used to be.
Cases in point:
- I used to have more social energy and intimate relationships. Now, closeness to others does not come as easily. I seem to have a heightened sensitivity to disappointing other people, and being disappointed by them.
- I used to really look forward to trips. I remember signing up for a trip to Spain, somewhat impulsively, and it's hard for me to believe that was me. I still like the idea of traveling, but the logistics of leaving home (and spending money) are stress-inducing.
- I used to be so free with food that by dinner time, I couldn't even remember what I had for breakfast. Now, I often remember events by the food that was there.
- I used to write without inhibitions or self-doubts, and I used to write every day, happily. This one weighs on me the most. I remember the joy of writing, being so driven that I finished my 300-page novel for my thesis in a month. When I first submitted my work for publication, I got the rejection notices and something changed for me. I got to know the business that is writing, and it just didn't seem so fun anymore. I wondered why I was writing, if this was the way it was. I still run into that question.
I've been pondering this idea: What would it be like to just wake up and consider only today? I could extend this to food, which would mean less planning and strategizing meals. But, I think I could extend it to almost anything else. Who am I today? What do I want today? This is most of my work in therapy, and I'm excited to do it.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I watched "This Emotional Life," the PBS series on DVR and really enjoyed it. Some of it was very similar to Gilbert's book, "Stumbling on Happiness," but the case studies and interviews with clinicians, celebrities, writers, regular folks made it so interesting.
2. Dave Farmar's yoga podcasts. I used to have trouble with these. I'd get distracted and frustrated and find myself browsing the Internet while in child's pose. I can do almost an entire podcast now, without getting irritated with myself.
3. The condo is clean.
4. Larry. As much as I think I have all these things about me that need to be fixed, he's never, ever seen me as broken.
5. In the spirit of this post, I haven't looked at my day planner all day today :)
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10 comments:
i'm a future thinker too -- it makes me so anxious. i, too, try to live in the here and now, but it can be a struggle. i no longer spend much time in the past, but i think that's the lexapro.
of course you know what you like to do with your writing, but i always like Ann Lamott and her sh--ty first drafts. makes me feel better.
i get strength from hearing how others have persevered through criticism. Meryl Streep was told she would never make it because she was too ugly. Sigourney Weaver's teacher at Yale told her she had no talent.
i hope you get back to writing all the time. you're such a wonderful writer and i'm sure it feeds your soul.
i'm not a big food planner, because it would make me crazy to spend much time thinking about it. some people prefer the structure.
i wonder what it looks like for you to do less planning with food?
That's an interesting thought to ponder- I want to use that for myself and see how I'd look at things.
I'm also a future worrier/thinker/pre-planner like no other to the point that I end up spending far more time doing the above than actually springing into action (which a lot of the time I delay or nix altogether because I couldn't plan things out perfectly.) Sometimes it even comes to the point that I don't want to go somewhere because of the anticipation of one particular lane merge that I hate. Lame. I know.
Sometimes living in the present with disregard to the past or future is difficult- but sounds like an interesting challenge.
I love this post, Just For Today really helps me.
In a major crisis moment I bring it down to Just for This Hour.
It felt like you were explaining me, when you spoke of how you used to be and how you feel now, I constantly compare myself to the lou lou in the past.
you write in a way that I am so hooked. I hope you dont mind but you are listed on my blogroll.
It is so important to have a therapist that you feel that you can really get down to business with, and someone who cares about the :right now" sometimes mine leaves me feeling like I'v had a big brain workout, she is similar in the way where we really focus on now and ones in the past have spent a lot of time talking about my past relationships for the entire session and I leave a big ol mess.
hopefully my computer speeds up so i can check out this emotional life too!
x
I really liked this post, Kim, and can definitely relate. All too often I'm thinking ten steps ahead and it's sooo hard to just be in the here and now, to just think about TODAY. I admire my husband a lot; I've never met anyone more determined and futuristic, yet so able to keep his mind in the present. I have learned a lot from his lead; even if I haven't adapted his mentality myself just yet, I strive for that level of happiness i the here and now. It's very hard.
Well, you have done it again. What a post. I honestly honestly feel I could have written it myself (though not near as well as you)...but the exact same thoughts...everything....freaky :)
The comparisons , etc...looking behind and ahead..yep, I know that...
Have you read The Power of Now by Echart Tolle? Good book ---live only in the present moment..there is no yesterday or tommorow...only the very moment.
Man, I relate to what u say so well...its amazingly strange...but somewhat...comforting.
As always, totally get it, and your therapist sounds great. My biggest thing has never been comparing myself to other people, but rather to comparing myself to myself. If I was X five years ago, I feel like I should be X plus today. If I worked out 30 minutes yesterday, 29 will be unacceptable today. I don't care what the lady next to me does; I only care about what I've done in the past and what I can do to exceed or match that now and in the future.
Not good. Working on it (among other things). All your points about relationships, disappointments, travel, writing, etc. were spot-on as well and I won't ramble. Just know I'm in that same, rocking boat with you.
As for writing, I think I view it like I do everything that I like (relationships, food, etc.) in that it somehow disappoints me, and that pisses me off. I love it in theory, but the fact that I can't be free to do it as I want all the time, that I'm now "forced" to do it in a way I don't enjoy is disappointing.
That's part of the reason I started the blog--to write for myself and no one else. Keep at it, as you have to use it for enjoyment and not just employment. Don't let it disappoint you, but rather motivate you.
P.S. Because you're good enough, you're smart enough and gosh darn it--people like you :)
I think I get this, and I do it a great deal. It's only recently I noticed it. It makes sense to look back in order to look forwards if you are logical, to try and ascertain risk and outcome by what you know. It's just not seeing the whole possibility that other factors have changed, grow and learnt, yourself included. Not easy to overcome if you have a vivid mental image of who you once were, and what that felt like.
The biggest one I do it with is with weight and shape. It's not even about being "fat" I have lost all concept of what that even means these days. If I try a pair of trousers on that I used to fit, like bigger ones, and remember myself at that size, all I remember is all the things I screwed up at that weight, all the bad memories and failures. It's got little to do with the size of them, it's literally just remembering that when I was X I was bad, stupid, failure, out of control blah blah blah. Like I never give myself a chance to move on, or try again, because I am pinned to holding on to who I used to be. I cannot possibly let myself fit into those trousers again, in case I embody all those qualities. That's not even wholey conscious, quick as a flash, I associate that size with fail. But I am not the person I once was, and neither are you. So much time has passed.
I'd like to learn to stop questioning everything too, live in the now, but that's even harder when you are going to therapy ;)
Lola x
What a wonderful, deep post. I need to ask myself that question. So often I live in the future (don't dwell on the past) but miss what is in front of me. It was actually my goal to work on that this year. I am not sure how. How do you plan to?
it's wonderful to just focus on the now. i would like to practice it a lot more. i'm still getting through "this emotional life" - it's really great so i'm trying to savor it and take my time....
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