When I was in the worst of my illness, friends and family were perplexed by the self-destruction, the forgoing of food. I would bake cookies and breads and not let a single crumb touch my lips. I didn't know what temptation meant. I didn't know what desire meant. They said, "But, aren't you hungry?" The truth was that, no, I wasn't hungry. I didn't know what hunger meant either.
Over the years, as I've gone through various phases of recovery (with slight dips in weight and slight gains), I still get confused about my appetite. I often say that if I felt hunger like a "normal" person, 90% of my eating disorder issues would be solved. The thing is that I eat when I'm hungry now. I don't try to restrict. This is progress. The problem is that my hunger signals are very easily muted.
Sarah at Bearing, Eating, Being did a great post about eating disorder triggers. I related to almost every single one. I also related to the idea of anxiety being The Trigger for restrictive behaviors. When I have a conflict with a loved one (or, hell, even a stranger), when I'm in an unfamiliar situation (on a trip, at a dinner party, whatever), it's not that I think, "Ok, I'm going to undereat because that will make me feel in control and calm." It's not that thought-out and calculated. It's just that my hunger goes away almost completely when I'm anxious.
Most recent example: Vegas. In general, leaving home produces anxiety for me. This is bothersome, as I think I'd like traveling if I didn't have all the inner turmoil. I'm a worrier, so I think about things like our condo burning down (seriously). However, most of my anxiety is not related to imagined catastrophes, but just the simple breaking of routine. I like things being predictable and orderly. Leaving home means many more unknowns (and, yes, the food unknowns are where I tend to channel all my uneasiness). When we were in Vegas, I did not feel hungry once...in 48+ hours. I felt cranky and bitchy, and I've learned this means I am in need of food, but I didn't get that feeling that a gremlin was clawing the insides of my stomach. Of course, I ate anyway. But, heck, Vegas is supposed to have some of the best food in the world and it's hard to really take advantage of that when your stomach is less than enthused.
What's interesting is that I'm most hungry after a therapy session. During therapy, I get back to feeling comfortable in my skin. I feel more peace about who I am and what I want from my life. The judgments I have about myself (that I'm weird, different, not living my life fully enough, etc) kind of vanish and I don't feel much anxiety. When the session is over, I'm usually ravenous. I think to myself, "Damn, if only I could have this feeling every day." I'd gain weight, for one, which I think would be a good thing. Right now, I get my period regularly (every 28 days to the freaking hour, actually) and I'm "healthy" for all intents and purposes, but for my bone health and my vanity, I'm perpetually "wanting" to gain another 10-15 pounds (I put wanting in quotes because this is a complicated statement). But, almost more importantly for me, I'd enjoy eating more if I was hungrier. It would be more satisfying. Often, even now, several years into this, eating is still somewhat of a chore. I enjoy the routine of it, but I don't really feel like I'm hitting the proverbial spot when I eat (mostly because I don't really feel "a spot," aka hunger). This isn't true every day, but I would say it's true in general. Does anyone else experience this?
What is your relationship with your appetite? Would you say you have an active appetite? Is it rather dormant? Does it change day to day? How do you adjust your eating -- eat according to your hunger, or just stick to a general plan regardless of appetite?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Hump day. Being back at work is hard, but the week is past the halfway mark.
2. A bunch of new books in my Amazon cart. I feel a splurge coming on...
3. Vacation plans are solidifying.I always postpone taking vacations, like I'm waiting for the "perfect time" or the "perfect trip." Carrie Arnold at ED Bites posted about this pleasure procrastination (very interesting, I might add). We've decided that we'll go to Maui (my family has a rental condo there), hopefully in March, then Washington/Oregon (Larry's family has some land up there) in August.
4. I may have a movie date with my co-worker's wife (the one I met at the party a while back).
5. We got a laser pointer to play with the cats. Larry could make them chase the red dot for hours, I think.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
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17 comments:
I really enjoyed this post- your analysis on appetite and such. For me, in addition to times when I feel anxious/upset/insecure, I also tend to automatically lose (or forget) my appetite when I feel really excited or energetic. For the most part, my appetite has stabilized in the past few months and I've realized my personal intuitive eating patterns (super hungry for breakfast, so-so for lunch, hungry for dinner, craving a sweet night snack.)However, I definitely understand how frustrating it is when you so badly want to be craving/appetiting but can't, it puts that whole 'why eat if i'm not hungry,' rationale in my mind which I need to make an effort to contradict.
It really is bizarre how our emotions tend to naturally be linked with the hunger cues we receive- and almost everyone I know has that physical response of either being an emotional eater or vice versa.
i have no clue about hunger signals. I too often make caked goods in bulk for family and friends and do not even think to indulge, much to everyone's incredulation (is that a word?). And when in unfamiliar settings and situations, i definitely am more restrictive. That is comfortable and familiar and dependable. It helps lessen the other anxieties. If i do not have to worry about food, i can concentrate on other things. Although, i end up not being able to concentrate at all and bitchier than any Hills character.
oddly, enough, after doctors appointments I also end up hungry....
My appetite is an active little bugger.
I think it makes perfect sense that you would feel hungry after seeing your therapist. In therapy we sort of unload our problems onto another person for a while, and that probably releases enough of the anxiety to allow for hunger.
I think the whole "appetite" question is huge, and probably for most people, if we *just* ate when we were hungry, sure, we'd be the weight that we need to be. I would say that historically, I've felt ashamed or hated the fact that I had an appetite, whether it was a food-based appetite or something more metaphorical. I'm not saying that bingeing and purging was ALL metaphorical; now that I've actually stabilized my eating and (shocking!), my weight is probably what my body wants it to be, and I do recognize hunger signals.
Still, the hunger signals are often not something physical. I notice my mood, which turns rather negative (even nasty?) when I'm hungry. And I also need to eat before I get to that totally depleted place because I tend to make 'bad' decisions or I'm terrible company. I feel, at times, quite childish that I can't 'control' my appetite.
Fortunately, I've also learned that what I most need is a wide variety of foods, and I also need and enjoy foods that have fat (olive oil, bacon grease, butter, cream...). I've learned to be very okay with that, and it helps me both enjoy the food and be sated afterwards.
I am absolutely infuriated with my appetite at the moment. I was doing so well last year, my body actually accepting and digesting food happily, and getting hungry at regular intervals, and after the past couple of months idocy I am seemingly back to square one!
Appetite is hugely unpredictable, raging from out of control, to non existent, totally at the whim of anxiety, and quite frankly my body doesn't like anything I put in it at the moment. It only serves as a fantastic reminder (I may copy this comment onto a post-it and staple it to my forehead) that the early stages of beginning to eat properly are a bloody nightmare, and the best idea is to keep up the momentum.
I think what helped me the most when I was eating and responding normally to hunger cues, was not to overthink it. Acting on impulse is really hard to do if you are used to controlling everything, and it's the opposite of what seems to be said to those who over eat, but personally I just got on best when I thought, oh I'm hungry and ate something, rather than "Oh I'm hungry...or am I, maybe I'm anxious, or it's too early, or I'm thirsty, or or or". Just letting go and eating whatever, like non ED folks would do. Just never leaving it too late, if there was no hunger cue I used to eat anyway if dinner time came, but eating earlier was fine.
But having said that, clearly something went wrong, so maybe don't listen to my advice ;)
Lola x
I have approached recovery from the opposite direction to intuitive eating I think - back in March I accepted that I wouldn't know hungry if it kicked me in the stomach and started eating to a schedule. I still do, although it's much more flexible now - I can move the times/amounts around if I feel that way inclined. But I've found that my appetite has settled down into the pattern I designed for it. I get hungry when it's time for me to eat and I am not overstuffed but not still hungry on the amount I eat. Bodies are clever ;)
My hunger comes and goes. But when I've restricted for a while then realize it's way past time to eat, the hunger just never goes away. Even if I eat a normal amount. It's like it worries that I'll never let it eat again. I hate it when it does that but it's my own fault for restricting earlier.
Wow - I have a lot to say...
1) thank you tremendously for your comment yesterday...i completely related to it...and it made me feel...less alone...
2) i wish i could write like u...i fear being open or going into that mindset...so i try to steer it to other things...so i end up talking about stupid things really...which doesnt really help my writing i guess
3) hunger? what is that? the problem with me is that i am NEVER hungry...but i make myself eat 6 times a day...i just shove it in cause i want to just gain already...i know that the scale # and being bigger isnt going to solve the problem...but at least it might give me a clearer mind, motivation and ENERGY...i feel very lost with things right now actually...we should "talk" sometime...
great post .
I sometimes feel hungry before eating. On a bad day it makes me feel good about myself, on a good day I can take it as a cue that my body needs food (which it is!).
Other days I'll feel nothing at all, like I could quite happily eat nothing at all or continue to eat forever and stomach wouldn't respond either way. This scares me because I worry that if I don't actively control my intake then I won't know where to stop, so I restrict to "be on the safe side".
Even though you often don't feel hunger, do you ever feel full after a meal, like your body has had its fill and you couldn't eat any more? I found that discovering that feeling again helped me rediscover actually feeling hungry...
i'm always ravenous after therapy sessions too---i'm sure that's a topic that could be entertained IN a therapy sesh as well :). i really like your point about not knowing what hunger meant when you were in the worst of your illness.
it's interesting to me that you wrote this post about not really experiencing hunger after a post with a lasagna recipe.
i don't know why but i'd sensed that you have comfort now with cooking and eating and appetite. i was actually thinking last night that i was going to ask you how you do it.
am i explaining my well? this is in no way critical. i'm just wondering.
i guess i've always truly disliked cooking (or any chore, actually. it makes life kind of difficult.)
with my eating disorders, i tend to stay away from food until i'm hungry. i don't like handling food, or smelling it cook too long, or playing with it. i just like making my little meal, enjoying it and doing my few dishes. (see, i really am lazy.) see also that i wrote my "little" meal. eek.
i mostly know my hunger. my stomach makes a heck of a lot of noise. occasionally, i'll wonder why i have a headache, feel weak, can't concentrate and am getting cranky. but usually i'm know i'm hungry.
interesting post, kim. can you send some sun to the other coast?
I can completely relate to this. Usually I don't feel hungry, I just feel anxious and cranky and upset when it comes time for me to eat again. I keep hoping that this is something that will go away as I continue recovering and keep eating.
I had this long comment typed out and my internet connection crashed.
Deep breath.
Appetite is so hard to figure out. I try to eat when I am hungry, but I love my little eating schedule so much, I normally stick to that. And being anxious or in a new situation triggers me too - but in the opposite direction - I will overeat to try to soothe myself. I keep putting myself out there, and although it's stressful, I feel like I am getting better.
You are making progress, especially with the help of therapy, I bet that in time, things will be more smooth :)
great post. i have been figuring out the appetite thing; i have to say i really love the feeling of being hungry and eating a satisfying meal and if i could get that with every meal it would be wonderful. but it's just not the case....
Thanks for all the comments, guys :) It's helpful to hear about your relationship with appetite. To answer a couple questions:
MaxCarey: Yes, I do feel fullness, though sometimes I feel full when I know I haven't eaten enough (the ol' anxiety issues, I guess). But, yes, I have days when my appetite feels totally healthy. I feel hungry, I eat, I feel fullness. Sometimes I'll eat my normal amount and still feel hungry, which excites me more than scares me now. Those are great days!
I Hate to Weight: Ya, my hunger isn't always great, but I still make meals that I hope will inspire hunger :) Lasagna is one. I enjoy it most when I'm really hungry, but I still make (and eat) it if I'm not particularly hungry. It's just not quite as satisfying on those days. I do enjoy cooking, though some days I find my appetite actually decreases as I cook. I don't know what that's about! Building anxiety?
Anyway, thanks everyone! This was an interesting one!
I definitely have problems understanding and interpreting my hunger (or I did until the past few weeks....). I think that so many years of denying it confused that natural "i'm hungry > go eat" response. [Unlike you, in the worst of my illness, I was always hungry, and tempted. But the satisfaction I got from sitting in front of a tray of baked goods and not eating them was, at the time, so powerful and worth it.]
I know what you mean abt appetites and hunger. For me, deep within my ED, I WAS hungry. But the thing is that I always tried to fill myself up with empty calories. In a way, I was terrified of being hungry, and I would eat, eat, eat...all empty calories, or bulky items in order to make myself full. I would take hours to eat one stupid carton of yogurt! But I would also always be thinking about food, food, food. I also had a thing in which I told myself I would not eat unless I'm STARVING. Except, when Im starving, I would try to fill up on empty calories. A vicious cycle, indeed.
Now, I'm still trying to learn what is appetite. Sometimes, I just DON'T feel hungry at all, and I get grouchy when I have to eat. Sometimes, I'm ravenous, and nothing seems to fill me up. But, at least...I respond to it, instead of denying it and trying to trick my body. Also, my body is getting used to allow hunger, and listen to hunger, as my mind is allowing itself to imagine being able to feed my body. For example, before I couldn't even IMAGINE eating some of the stuff that I do now. So when I did feel hungry, I would panic, and try to satisfy myself with bulky, low-cal foods.
not sure if I'm making sense...I'm babbling...But I think my conclusion is this: Appetite is a strange thing. You can't control it, you can't predict it, and you can't determine it. But the more important thing is listening to it, and not being scared of it, but being relaxed and responsive to it.
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