Recovery questions: My answers

Ok, ok, a few of you asked for my answers to yesterday's 7 recovery questions. I wasn't trying to be coy. I just wanted to hear your thoughts first. Here are my answers:

1. What do you think were the keys to your recovery?
The main key to recovery for me is self-acceptance. Beating myself up for hard days just leads to restricting, my self-punishment of choice. I've had to accept that recovery does not have this dramatic culmination, with a parade in my honor and trumpets blaring triumphantly. I think it's just part of life, an ongoing journey. It's comprised of small, somewhat ordinary moments.

Some practical things:
-Therapy. This has been pretty essential for my sanity at various times in the last several years.
-Recognizing triggers. For me, these include: unfamiliar situations (travel, social events), conflict in a relationship, rejection, stress/feeling overwhelmed.
-Caring less about what people think of me.
-Writing. I keep a journal and use my blog to sort through many issues related not only to anorexia, but to aspects of my personality that I think lit the anorexia wick.
-Realizing that anorexia is an illness, something I have to manage like someone with diabetes manages their condition. Seeing it this way helps me remove a lot of judgment.

2. What effect did it have on you to work with recovered staff?
This was incredibly helpful for me. I knew they'd been in my situation themselves, so I tended to trust them more. There were fewer eyerolls and dismissive sighs on my part. I still think of recovered staff members from time to time, looking to them as examples of health and freedom. It's not so much just food freedom, but they seemed very engaged in their lives (and happy!). However, I will say that I overheard a staff member discussing her fear of avocados once, and this really annoyed me at the time. I have compassion now, as I realize the ongoing-ness of all this, but at the time, I really wanted to believe I'd be "all better" the second I left treatment. Some of my expectations of recovery were a little off, I think. Overall, I think role models are important. We all need to believe it's possible to live a happy, healthy life without disordered eating.

3. How would you describe the concept of an eating disorder self vs healthy self?
I've given quite a bit of thought to this. I used to isolate thoughts as being "eating disorder" versus "me." Over time, this kind of made me feel too dissociated. Instead of saying "F@%k anorexia," I've had to have compassion for its role in my life, with a sort of "thank you, but no thank you" attitude. Getting too angry just brews too much negativity for me. However, I do understand this idea of a "healthy self." I can spot the healthy self in my life on days when I don't exercise, and appreciate the rest for my body; on days when I indulge in something that defies anorexia's rules; on days when I can stay in the moment with an activity or person. If I'm having a bad day and I'm caught in a decision (related to food, socializing, whatever), I try to ask myself what "healthy me" would do. I don't always listen to this, but it helps me to give it a voice.

4. What would you say to those struggling with reaching out to people instead of food? How did you learn to do this? How has it changed your life? What made it so hard?
Well, first of all, I think it's important to acknowledge that reaching out to people is not easy. Yes, people are unpredictable. They can be disappointing. They can love us too little. They can love us too much. They can challenge our way of doing things. They might judge us. So, yes, there are risks. I don't think it's crazy for people to fear intimacy. It IS scary, especially if you've been in a bubble for a long time. However, I think we need to connect with others to feel okay in the world. If you let someone see all of you, you realize that all these things you thought were terrible really aren't that bad. Being private and secretive breeds shame, which just leads to more isolation. Food is a certainty. Controlling it, manipulating it, etc does give an illusion of safety; but it's just an illusion. With little experiments in reaching out to others, I think it becomes clear that life trumps anorexia. Therapy is a good place to start. For me, I could rationalize that this person had to accept me; it was their job. I got more courage from there. I still struggle a lot with intimacy, but I've made an effort with a select few. Larry knows all of me, and loves me. Things I think are psycho about me are minor quirks in his eyes (if that). I have a few girlfriends and family members who seem to get me, so there's comfort in that.

5. "It IS about the food": Thoughts?
There is so much talk about eating disorders not being about the food. They're about control, depression, anxiety, self-punishment, blah blah blah. BUT, they really ARE still about food (as much as diabetes is about insulin). Recovery without proper nutrition is impossible. I don't think my brain and body started working together again until I was properly nourished. Just the Keyes study alone has shown that simple undereating can trigger a range of psychological issues. Getting to a stable place with weight is the most important thing in recovery. Of course, there are emotional issues, but it's impossible to even begin to confront those if you're severely underweight. Even though I get my period, I think gaining would put me in a safer zone, physically and emotionally. Being less than ideal weight, even by "just 10 pounds," makes it too easy to slip up. All it takes is one bad stomach flu and you're in a danger zone.

6. How have you found meaning outside of your eating disorder? How have you created a fulfilling life for yourself?
Ummm...still working on this. One of the hardest parts of recovery is getting to know myself and who I am. I am not a person with a disorder; I'm still me. Much of my anorexia was about doing what I thought I "should" do, and getting better has been accepting that I might not fit a particular mold like I wanted to. The process of finding what really matters to me is somewhat daunting. Without getting too existential, I think finding meaning in life is one of the biggest parts of really being free from anorexia. I've had so many fears about the world and my place in it, and it was simply easier to focus on food rituals and rules. My mom used to say I was "making molehills out of mountains," reversing the common phrase to mean that I was focusing on minutia to avoid something too overwhelming for me. I'm still working to find what I want, trying to ignore distracting social chatter (while still having relationships) and focus on my passions, however buried they've been.

7. How did you get motivated to get better? What helped you stay motivated? How did you find motivation after losing it?
Motivation has taken many, many forms for me. The biggest motivation was just being sick of the lifestyle. I wanted to want things again. I'm motivated because I know I won't live life fully if there are remnants of anorexia in my life. It's too restrictive. Restrictions with food spill over to money, relationships, experiences, and I just don't want that. I'm motivated by fear that the longer I live that way, the harder it will be to let go. I'm motivated by connecting with my husband. He knows all parts of me, which is an extreme relief. I'm motivated to stay well so we can have a long life together. I'm motivated to have healthy bones. Osteoporosis is already a worry amongst the women in the family because we're so small-boned. I want to be strong. Of course, I have days when I'm not motivated. Larry used a good analogy the other day. He said that sometimes my brain is like this ball rolling down a piece of wood. Naturally, it gravitates toward a certain groove that it's been in before (a groove of negative thinking, focusing on small things, obsessing and worrying). Even though this doesn't make me happy, it does feel right. The neurons are used to this particular path. Changing things is uncomfortable and takes daily effort. Sometimes, I'm just not up for it. I try to accept these days for what they are and remember the big picture. They pass. I've made a lot of progress over the years. None of it occurred in a way I expected, though. It was all gradual and did not follow one of my infamous to-do lists (much to my chagrin).

So, there ya go :)

***
Today's gratitude:
1. The Aniz Ansari stand-up special on Comedy Central. We watched it last night. Hilarious.
2. Thunder and lightning!
3. I have plans with a girlfriend on Saturday. I've been feeling really exhausted and antisocial lately, but I'm trying to get excited for this.
4. The pet sitter lady I talked to yesterday sounded nice. And she was eager to discuss my cats and their "needs" for 45 minutes. Excessive?
5. Rain, rain, and more rain. I love it.