So, I felt pretty shitty yesterday. Which is aggravating, since I felt FINE the day before. I don't know what's up with my moods. Really, food stuff has been good. Some of your responses encouraged me to just ditch the scale. If I'm honest with myself, I know I check in mainly to see if I'm gaining too much, whatever that means. I have my clothes as a guide. There is no immediate danger in regards to my physical health, so I'll just let my body do its thing, without obsessing over numbers. That feels better. What's odd for me is that I've been feeling blah, and I can't really blame food issues. Those are fine, but I've been under a bit of a depression cloud for a while now -- maybe a couple months. The only benefit is that my anxiety is way less, as general apathy seems to be a side effect of this funk. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I got hit by a Mac truck. I'm tired more often, not energetic. I can't seem to muster excitement for things. These are all classic symptoms of that word I hate -- depression.
I hate the word because it's so overused. I don't want to be one of those people who has "depression." I don't want to have to go on medication. I've tried meds before (1999, 2001, 2005) and they didn't help much (and, after withdrawals from one, I remember saying, "I will never do this again"). I'm wary of trying again. The time, the money, the side effects, the guinea pig-ness involved. And, of course, the stigma. I can't help but feel weak if I need help from a pill. I know, logically, that depression is an illness, managed the way most illnesses are managed -- with medication. But, I still judge myself. I still think that going on them means I wasn't strong enough. I'm just not sure what else to do at this point. Therapy takes me to a certain point, then I feel stuck. I'm getting sick of this, and I'm pretty sure Larry is too.
What is your experience with meds? If you are on medication, what were your initial apprehensions? Were you able to get past those?
***
This morning, I was determined to shake up my day a bit, so I made hash browns with breakfast. It was way easier than I thought. All you need is: A big russet potato, oil (I used canola), salt and pepper (and ketchup for dipping).
First, peel the potato. Then, use a cheese grater to grate the potato.
The grated potato will be very watery, so set it aside in a colander and press dry with paper towels. You can let them sit for a few minutes, but don't wait too long because they'll turn purple (something with oxidation?).
Heat the oil in the pan. I used 2 TBSP. I think they came out a bit too oily, so maybe 1.5 TBSP would be better.
Throw in the grated potato on medium-high heat. The potato pieces should all be flat on the pan, no overlapping.
Let them cook for a few minutes. With a spatula, lift up the edges to see if the potatoes are crisp and brown. If they are, flip!
Cook on the other side and then season with salt and pepper. You're done :)
I had about half the pan along with eggs, toast, and a pear :) It was the perfect Sunday breakfast...
And now it's time for lunch!
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Massage in a couple hours.
2. Condo is clean.
3. Larry's patience.
4. Rain in the forecast.
5. Kitties.
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15 comments:
depression sucks. i hate when i'm just kind of slogging thru and getting out of bed feels like lifting multiple boulders
i think i've told you that i like lexapro. it really works for me. i don't mind taking it, because i was in dark gloom before, so -- no stigma here.
it took me a long time to adjust to lexapro, but now i have not one side effect.
but if you tried antidepressants three times and they don't work....? there is not one birth control pill that i can take -- somehow my system really hates them.
what's best for you, kim?
hope you can get excited about this fantastic blog and your own writing. if i you had your talent and skill, i'd take an ad out during American Idol just to brag about it.
I'm like you. I don't like to get excited about things because I'm afraid I'll jinx them or they'll go wrong and I'll feel like an idiot for having gotten excited about them in the first place.
You should be proud of your blog and your writing because you are a fabulous writer. And the fact that you've come so far in beating anorexia. That's nothing to sneeze at.
I take Lexapro and I'm not sure it does much for me honestly. So I've thought a lot about getting off it. And the truth is that medications aren't the right solution for everyone. So you need to do what you think it right for you.
I understand your medication reluctance...I used to ask myself why other people could manage without and thought this meant I was weak and uselss.
But then I thought why should I be ashamed about trying to maximise my own health and functioning? Even if the pills don't work, surely it should be ok for me to try, and surely I owe it to myself to try different things to improve my wellbeing?
Don't be afraid to seek and try this assistance. A stigma should not stand between you and your health.
Finally, I know you don't like to think of yourself as inspiring (although I think you are), but thanks for always providing an interesting perspective on your blog...is that an acceptable form of praise? ;)
Sarah x
i've been on meds a few times; they didn't really feel like they helped but my mother-in-law (who is a shrink) said that's usually a sign they are working. that said, i am not longer on anything (haven't been for a few years) and feel much better/clearer without them.
I've tried (in various dosages at various times, sometimes solo sometimes with another): prozac, effexor, celexa, cipralex (which I think is the same as Lexapro), nortriptyline, and zoloft. Actually I think there was another one or two in there, but that's the list I can remember. None of them worked. Mostly I got side effects, the best help I got from them was feeling numb (which caused a whole slew of problems later).
After finally, and excruciatingly painfully, coming off the last one I decided I would never try antidepressants again. I think I tried my best and there isn't one for me.
Having sworn I would never take them again myself, I do recommend them when people ask my opinion. They didn't work for me, but I do know people who they work really well for. Obviously you're the only one who can make this decision, but if you're feeling it might be the right choice then I think it might be a good idea to throw stigma out the window. Although I never got them to work, I did manage to get over the apprehensions.
The hash browns look good first of all.
Second of all, how do you do it? I talk in circles on my blog...a fluster...am i a bad writer? or a confused mind?...
anyway, great thoughts...i wake up and go to bed feeling a heavy depression. ...I am not sure to be honest if it is the reason for my current physical mess (sleeping, sitting, just eating) or vice versa...perplexing.
Medications. I have not taken, but to be honest I wrote some about this recently but did not post it cause i wasnt "feeling it" ...hence the ridiculous post i posted today and one i will soon post. ...
anyway, Kay Jamison (An Unquiet Mind) really embraced her meds...others not so...I read so much where it actually screws the person up..BUT i do believe it has merit...honestly..i have seen good things also. I don't think it makes you weak though. It NEVER makes you weak.
Enjoy your massage :)
Your blog is an amazing series of posts, no joke- I've been reading it for months (as a lurker in the beginning)- you have a lot of valuable insight and an entertaining style of writing!
Despite having had multiple bad experiences with antidepressants, I'm not anti-medication at all. I do think they help some people. There are a few things to consider really. First of all, it might well be true that if you've tried 3 different SSRIs they are unlikely to help now. However, SSRIs are not the only type of antidepressants. Effexor is an SNRI, it works on serotonin and norepinephrine. It made me sicker than the SSRIs did but it has the opposite effect on some people! There are other newer reuptake inhibitor-type meds too. Also, there's your weight. SSRIs don't work on people at low weights due to the changes in brain chemistry, and they rarely work on people with anorexia at all. Maybe now you are at a healthier weight you have a better chance of being helped by them? But then there are studies which suggest that people with anorexia have an excess of serotonin anyway, and other studies on people with just depression and no ED which show that antidepressants have very little more effect than placebos...it's a bit of a minefield.
Depression is a bitch, but it's also not unmanageable without meds. It's kind of understandable that you are depressed. You came off the pill, so your hormones might still be settling down. You have been gaining weight, which is often associated with mood swings. Maybe this isn't depression all on it's own, maybe it's caused by other things going on in your life. If it is hormonal it might well go away in a few months. January is like the month of universal depression anyway! Also you said that you have been gaining weight on fewer calories than you needed previously - have you had your thyroid checked lately? There are a ton of possible explanations.
I hope you work something out :) I don't think anyone will judge you, whatever you decide.
I definitely understand your dread of the word "depression". It's just a tad over-used these days, and the ads for antidepressants are just infuriating. Still, being depressed (different from 'feeling depressed') is exhausting, and it's one of those vicious circles (don't feel like doing anything because you're depressed which then seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy because then you just feel more depressed because you aren't doing anything).
Like many others, I've been on and off meds. At the moment, depression isn't a huge issue in my life, and I'm off them and stable. Unlike times that I went off them and was not stable. If, however, I suddenly found myself dealing with a serious depressive episode, I wouldn't hesitate to use meds to manage my moods.
Low-grade depression, however, is a bit different because it "seems" like a person can (or should?!) manage and deal with it. See, I hear those critical voices too....
As much as it seems that a person can manage low-grade depression, it's a constant energy suck. You certainly don't deserve that.
It's the old "Chicken or the egg" thing--am I depressed because I'm underweight and my hormones are screwed up or am I underweight because of the depression? Katie pretty much covered what I was going to say, in that your weight does have a lot to do with the effectiveness.
While I've been on generic Prozac for a couple years now, I'm not really sure why, factoring in the weight thing. I hate being on ANYTHING, even aspirin, but I think I'm a little nervous that I would be totally manic without it. Then again, I wonder if my constant fatigue is a result of the meds, depression or the weight. Either way, I feel like I got hit by a truck and look forward to bed every night.
Ramble aside, you have to do what you think will work for you. Once you rule out physical explanations, you might have a better idea of the direction you want to go (through Dr. C, of course).
As for your other point--it's always easier to predict the worst and then be pleased if it turns out less-than horrible than to get excited about something only to be disappointed. However, what good does that do?
Be happy for your accomplishments and optimistic about your plans. You work hard, you're talented and you deserve to enjoy it ;)
Okay, so...I have never had depression and pray that I never will. There are many people in my family who do, though, and they have mixed feelings regarding their medications. I like them better when they are medicated though, because it's never fun to see your family member sobbing hysterically, napping 24/7, staying in all the time, or reacting with an irrational degree of anger to things.
I do wonder, since you talked about cutting your exercise, changing jobs, and it's winter--do you think those things may be making a difference? Since you've had such a bad experience with meds and aren't in a horrible HORRIBLE place right now, maybe try tinkering with those things first--adding a light box, some gentle walks outside, maybe a yoga class (where you can be with people who aren't Larry or your coworkers) and see if that results in any changes to your mood and feelings?
And you asked for our experiences with meds: I personally like the Enbrel shot I am on, feel a huge difference with my proton-pump-inhibitor for my stomach, and simply ADORE my flintstone vitamin :) did that get a smile? pained chuckle? anything?
By the way...you encouraged me to make lasagna last week! I changed your recipe a little to adjust for the ingredients I had, but D loved it and I realized my fear of lasagna is slightly irrational (but ONLY slightly. I mean, there are evil creatures hiding in between those layers, just waiting to do me harm!!!) Thanks for the idea!
Oh, and you should be proud of your blog and your writing. You are a fabulous writer!!
I also had a thought: I wonder if going off your birth control pill has changed your mood, too. My gyno said that a lot of women have elevated moods on bc.
Hash browns are seriously one of life's greatest pleasures! I would eat them every day if I could. :)
I hate depression. :( It seems like something we all go through from time and time, it's refreshing for you to be so honest about it! Exercise always helps me, even more than any pills.
You are wonderfully talented at blogging. :) Can't wait to continue to read your lovely blog!
I was on meds for anxiety and at first had the same attitude as you. BUT, they helped so much, my attitude has completley changed now!
I hate waking up and just feeling awful. Do what it takes to feel better! :) And... there is nothing wrong with just feeling a bit crappy for awhile :)
Ha. I need to get LESS excited about blogging. I feel like I think about it too much as it is. I think it's cool that you can be so, well, cool about it!
wow those hash browns look great!
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