Here's a glimpse:
Ah yes. The big, baggie Class of '97 shirt. You can't see it here, but I'm rocking some scrunched up white socks that make it to my mid-calf. This was just a few months before anorexia began whispering in my ear. I remember this day because there was a barbecue, a senior class event, and I didn't think of food as anything but food.
Anyway, I've lost touch with a few of the high school girlfriends, but maintained contact with a few others. My best friend, K, and I had a falling out a couple years ago and just recently got back in touch this past summer. Now, we're back to e-mailing every day, sharing the details of daily lives. E-mail is safe for me. She's currently working for FEMA, doing engineering projects in New Orleans. I like to think that I'd want to hang out with her all the time if she was closer, but I really think I'd be stressed out, sadly. I told her some of this, and some about my current bout of depression. She wrote this:
"I'm sorry you're struggling with your mood. It makes me sad to know that you're not at peace. I want you to be happy. You are very good at hiding that you're not in the place you want to be...but I wish you didn't have to."
She knows me well. She knows I'm good at hiding. That much I assumed. We've been friends for 15+ years after all. What got me was the part about her wishing I didn't have to hide. I wish that, too. Most of the time, I think I'm too sensitive, that it's irrational to feel bad. It's almost like I don't think I have the right. Everything in my life is "good," so am I just ungrateful? I don't think anyone would want to hear me whine, so I tend to just try to smile and get through bad days. I've learned I can vent with Larry, but I haven't tried much with friends. I'm experimenting a little more.
What do your friendships mean to you? Do you feel completely open and honest with your friends, even about less-than-happy times? Are your closest friends your oldest friends?
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Today's gratitude:
1. If you didn't notice, I got a direct URL for my blog, http://www.adventuresinwanting.com/. I don't think you have to update anything; it should just redirect. I don't know, Larry took care of it for me.
2. I got a couple other URL options to use for my writing. I've been pondering this for a while, both to get more freelance projects and publicize my fiction (with the hope that I'll have a novel to promote some day. If you build it, they will come?). I tend to feel more motivated to make headway on projects if I've invested money. Domains aren't expensive, but still.
3. I'm going to see a friend of mine tomorrow. We've been friends since elementary school, though we had many years of lost contact between junior high and college. Our parents stayed in touch and she was one of the first people I dared to see after treatment. I haven't felt very excited about leaving the house lately, but lunch and a movie should be good.
4. Larry and I are about to have dinner and watch "Project Runway" on DVR (yes, he watches it with me. He is secure in his manhood).
5. Weekend! The sun is supposed to return. Aside from friend time tomorrow, there should be lots of relaxing, cleaning, grocery shopping. The usual.
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14 comments:
Friends. It's kind of different with friends. You share a connection through more material and temporary things. You share enough, but just daily problems, nothing too personal.
The only friends that I actually truly connect and share every detail, pain and joys, are those that I connect spiritually with. That's why I love hanging out with my brothers and sisters in church. We connect in such a deeper level than plain friendship. Because we're not connected by a sexual love or blood, we need something else to hold us together, and for me, that's my faith.
I believe friendship can mean anything you want it to mean. At school I simply saw friends as people to hang around with in order to avoid being alone, then the more people I met, the more my opinions and expectations of friendship diversified.
Now I have a scattering of different friends who I see as nourishing different parts of myself. I have friends who nurture my girly side, a friend to reawaken my feminist side, friends to challenge my intellect, friends to reawaken old memories with. Likewise I believe they all get particular, perhaps different things from me.
It may seem somewhat cold to think of friendships merely as mutual exchanges, but that is what they are to me. Most of these connections are somewhat superficial, and I'm sure if I was brave enough to try asking for something more, or risked giving something more, friendship could go deeper.
Unfortunately I am a wimp in this respect!
I need to try harder at friendship. I am so different today than what I used to be....I dont know anymore if I would have changed that way anyway...or if its all cause of these mind games. Its not good though. I try to talk to friends and roomies and eat when them when or if I can tolerate it. I really believe there is merit to going out and have movie nights, etc etc....there has to be something more u kknow. But I have missed out on a lot of relationships because of my past fear and inhibitions and mind. A lot. I wish it weren't so. I could have had some great friends.
You know, I have never completely opened up to friends. When Steven lost his job, I so desperately wanted to talk about it, but shut all my friends out. It got pretty bad. I guess... I just don't feel like I have any around here that have my best interests in minds, so I don't feel like laying all of my fears out. That sounds awful, but it is the truth. Maybe we both need to work on that... being more trusting?
I can't wait to read more of your freelance work on your other blogs :)
Have a great weekend!
Like Ringo, "I get by with a little help from my friends." I have one really close friend that I tell everything to. We have been friends since 5th grade. I helped her through her divorce and she helped me through a difficult spell. I trust her completely with my feelings.
I also have four other close women friends who I also talk to about my problems, whether they are problems with my husband, work, or my self-image. I have also been there for them through different things.
I do think it is hard when you have a specific problem that is with you all the time, like anorexia or a mental illness. Just remember that a lot of people will think it is a gift if you confide in them. I think the trick is (and I learned this the hard way) to make sure that you ask the other person about themselves nearly as often as you talk about yourself. Even if they don't have a huge ongoing problem like depression or anorexia, they want to be able to share their life and their problems, too.
The other thing is that when you start sharing real problems, you start to find out which friends can handle that and which can't. It's not cos they're bad people but some people just don't know ho to talk about things. But some people will surprise you with how generous and loving they are. I would encourage everyone who posted to try trusting your friends a little more. Hugs, guys!
I am the type of person that tends to have a ton of "friends" that I enjoy, hang out with, etc, but a much smaller group of people that I actually allow myself to confide in. And I think that the anorexia was definitely the start of me erecting that wall around my inner life. Like Mariposai, said, I think that we connect in different ways, and benefit differently, from different people. So glad you get a chance to catch up with a friend today!
One thing I've contemplated is that I'm not sure what the line is between "old" friend and "new" friend, or if there is a line, but I am continually amazed at how "old" friends can pick up right where things left off, even if it's been years between talking. Superficially, I had way more in common (in terms of interests, goals, passions, etc) with my college friends, but chatting with a high school buddy still lifts my day like nothing else in the world, there is just some amorphous intimate connection and understanding there. I sometimes wonder if it's because my high school friends knew me at my sickest, so they understand my history in a way that newer friends couldn't, even if I tried to explain it. I have moved around a ton during my life, being an Army brat, but as I get older I find it the nostalgia for "old" friends to get stronger as time goes on.
I've known my best friend since we were in first grade. It's strange because we really don't have a lot in common interest-wise but we've been through so much together that we have this really great relationship. My two sisters are also two of my best friends and the ones who I share the most with. Like a lot of people have said, I have a really hard time opening up to people and being completely open with friends.
I so remember those baggy class t-shirts!
Yay! Three cheers to your own domain!
Friends- wow. In high school I had a lot of fall-outs with people I had formerly been "best friends," with, but I've learned in the past few years that a lot of it resulted from pent up miscommunication and stuff getting way out of control
Nowadays, I have some amazing friends- some I've only known for a year or so, but we've grown close quickly and I'm comfortable enough with them to be myself completely, not feel like i have to filter what I say, and talk about ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! I love those kinds of friendships- because it's completely real when it doesn't matter how haggard we look when we see each other or my ability to tell them when I feel sad/frustrated etc.
I'm so grateful for these friends- and while I keep in touch via facebook with a lot of my other friends from other times in my life, it's not the same since I've changed since those times and so have my values in friends.
I think it's natural to feel embarrassed and guilty about your feelings if you've been told that they are wrong all your life. I don't mean that in a, get angry and scream at everyone who has wronged you sort of way ;) but the world is not forgiving of sensitive people, and the general message seems to be 'suck it up and get on with it'. I still get told not to be so sensitive by my parents, even about physical things like noise or temperature, as if it's some sort of weird preference of mine to not want to be in discomfort! But there is nothing to be ashamed of, everyone is different and experiencing the world in this way has benefits as well as negatives.
My closest friends are my newest friends, weirdly enough. I've met them all in the last three years. I'm not in touch with anyone I went to school with, I fell out of touch because I was ashamed of being ill. Why are people always ashamed of things that aren't their fault?! I frustrate myself :P
That photo of you is cute :)
i have a lot of wonderful friends, but they've all changed throughout the years - depending on where we are in our lives - physically and mentally. it's been nice balancing it all out. i used to be pretty unable to function without my BFF!!!
Oh yeah, I meant to tell you that photo is cute, too!
And Robert Pattinson is H-A-W-T!
I want to get my own domain name too. If you don't mind me asking, what service did you use to buy your domain name and how much did it cost? I have been reading up on this and it seems like GoDaddy is one of the most frequently recommended, but I'm not sure?
aaayyy- i need to work on my rekindling of friendships. i eally isolated myself for a long time, and owe it to myself and my friends to get bettr and start hanging out, talking about nonsense and enjoying it all!
nice article thanks for sharing
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