This is the last of my deep thoughts for the week. I don't anticipate any more depth. Maybe some shallowness, like talking about the Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog, which has different styles of bikini bottoms to suit different butts. This has both motivated and panicked me about the upcoming trip to Hawaii. Anyway...
So, intimacy. I never thought of myself as someone with "intimacy issues," but I have thought of myself as someone who keeps to herself. Pre-anorexia, I was this way. During anorexia, I was basically a hermit. My world got very small, bubble-esque. These days, I'm still very introverted. Because of the bubble years, I've called my introversion into question more. I've wondered if it's related to my eating disorder social patterns (or lack thereof), or if it's just who I am. I'm older now, I'm not in college where socializing opportunities abound, I work full-time, I have a writing career I try to tend to, and I have a husband who entertains me quite a bit. I don't feel the need for more, but I do wonder if that's "normal" (are we sick of this theme yet?).
In therapy, Dr. C brought up another client of his as an example he thought I could relate to. This client went on a trip with a married couple. The couple enjoyed his company and sent him an e-mail saying they'd love to travel with him again. The guy's response was one of stress. And I totally, totally get this.
When I get an invitation, my first thought is not, "Oh cool, I'm liked!" Mostly, I feel this pressure, this weight on me. I feel like there is some demand, some expectation that comes with the invitation. This happens with compliments and flattery, too. Just last week, Larry was telling me what a good writer I am. This filled me with joy, but there was pressure right on the heels of that joy. I jumped to thinking, "He's right. I'm a good writer. I should be more committed. I'm such a slacker."
In response to this type of thinking, Dr. C said, "Wow, what an interesting way to avoid intimacy." I told you he's blunt.
Blunt, but not wrong. In a way, my negative response (feeling the pressure) pushes the person (and their totally good intentions) away. I have many friends-at-arm's-length (and I have freakishly long arms). I think I'm sort of comfortable with a little distance. I'm scared to get really close to people. As the old refrain goes, it's not them, it's me. I associate social situations with having to conform, to pretend, to act a certain way. I think if I felt 100% comfortable just being me, quirks and all, I wouldn't feel so much pressure. It seems like all these posts come back to one idea: Self-acceptance.
Do you feel pressure in social situations? What relationships are most intimate in your life?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. NBC TV tonight, with 2 episodes of "30 Rock"!
2. I have a massage this weekend. I really can't wait for this. These work chairs kill my back.
3. I've noticed lately that I have absolutely zero interest in food-based blogs, recipe hunting, health and fitness online articles. I used to obsess about this sort of thing. I'm not sure what happened, but I'll take it as a good sign.
4. I'm gaining weight, apparently. I'm listing this as a gratitude because I feel compelled to do so. There are mixed feelings. Post to come...
5. Tonight just might be this week's calzone night (strangely, I've stopped planning dinners in advance too, so I really don't know for sure).
Thursday, January 14, 2010
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15 comments:
I am kind of a borderline intro/extrovert, I think. When I am in social situations I am not at all shy or underconfident, BUT if I have a choice many times I'd rather stay in than go out. It's not that I'm nervous about meeting people, it's more hesitancy in breaking my own normal routine that usually makes me turn down invites. Even with my own boyfriend, some nights I'd rather just stay in and do my own thing, even though I know I'd have a good time if I were with him. For me introversion doesn't necessarily manifest as anxiety or shyness, but just needing "me" time to recharge after I go out. I read a definition of intro/extroversion one time that said that extroverts feel energized by social interactions, while introverts feel drained by it, even if they are not necessarily shy, anxious, or quiet.
On another issue, I also hear you on the "comfortable at a distance" feeling with friendships. I have never had problems making friends, but only a very tiny fraction of those are people I would actually go to and open up if I had a problem or something on my mind. I do think that the ED plays a role in that, it's like a little pseudo-protective barrier. And, since so few people really understand EDs, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of not being able to connect with people, even when you desperately need it.
It's good that you're trying to think about this stuff objectively, though. I think the best way to decrease anxiety or aversion to social situations is just exposure. When I first moved here last year and was trying to get involved and meet people, I started doing way more things to break my routine than I had done in my old city, and it definitely got easier over the weeks/months.
Have you thought about joining any groups/classes in your area? What about writers' groups?
I think the lack of interest in foodie stuff is indeed a good sign! When I was at my worst with the ED I spent so much time thinking about food, I wondered what healthy people could possibly occupy their minds with all day if they weren't obsessing over menus, calories, etc. I am so glad that mental noise is indeed fading with recovery. Nothing against food, of course, but there are so many other things in the world to spend mental energy on.
Give yourself time to adjust to the added pounds, that initial period is almost always uncomfortable. It will feel weird at first, but try to stick it out, hang in there. <3
Interestingly, I was musing about your recent post where you talked about preferring to spend time just you and your husband. And I thought I bet if I told you I was going to be in your city and wanted to meet you for a cup of coffee, that would make you nervous. Like you would wonder if I was going to judge you and stuff. Now I am thinking my suspicion might be true!
I do spend a lot of time just me, my husband, and the cats, and I actually think we should get out more instead of just renting a movie at home. But I enjoy intimacy with people. Like I wonder sometimes what people who aren't my friends think of me, like people at work and stuff, whether they think I'm a hapless bi-otch. But I feel very comfortable confiding in my girlfriends.
I feel like you don't have to accept yourself 100% to be intimate with friends; they are the people who love you even when you don't like yourself.
Oh, yeah... and I feel gratitude that you have gained some weight, too!
Once again, we are long-lost soul mates in a non-creepy way (and of course, long-distance, as we both have our intimacy issues and prefer to keep things open.) Seriously.
I'm actually awesome in social situations (work functions, parties, etc.) and have fun, but it's only because I know these people are there temporarily, that I probably won't ever have to see them again and they won't expect anything from me. Now if it's family, a group of closer friends, etc. I get the same smothered feeling. If I have fun, great, but then what if they ask me to go out again? What if I don't want to go, as I would rather be alone?
Acquaintances, not close friends. I also wonder "is this normal?" and realize it probably isn't, but I always go back to doing what makes me feel comfortable. I don't want people to get to know me that well, as selfish as that sounds, as I have too many weird things and don't want to "have to" commit to anything. However, even though I would be nervous and probably back out at the last minute, I would meet you for a three-minute book reading and tea any time.
Don't even get me started in dating and those intimacy issues...you don't delve into you and Larry with this post, but I make the assumption that you let down your guard on occasion ;)
P.S. I swear I'm Liz Lemon, minus the glamour and semi-love life.
P.P.S. Yay for weight gain and healthy thoughts. Makes me happy for you!
Self-acceptance is my big big struggle seriously. I struggle with all things social...everything pressures me...a complete 360 from my old self...what happened to that...anyway, i like this post. And I know I did a light post last time...and just then posted a book review...its hard to know how to write anymore...have a nice night.
One of my old managers (that I still catch up with) calls me a "socialised introvert" so basically, at the core I'm an introvert (and over the past two years have become more and more so) but a lot of people think I'm an extrovert! I am good at putting on the front and doing a dervish dance in extroversion when I'm a) appropriately medicated and b) prepared for it! I even enjoy that to a certain extent! WOW!
BUT... I NEED time on my own at the end of the day, I can handle disruption to my routines, but not for tooo long and not tooo many days in a row and I need time to recover. I can handle once off's and sponteneity okay (because I don't have too much time to think) but realistically, I prefer to have my routine, keep a limited interaction with the outside world and I'm really careful to keep a range of friends so that very few know close to everything about me... I'm an introvert.
I'm actually really okay with this, essentially because I have no energy anyway (thanks CFS!) but there are times when I feel lonely and I know the only way to fix that is to break through the introversion walls and I'm not sure I can manage that... that is when it is problematic for me.
I guess at the end of the day, its quite okay to be an introvert (or an extrovert)...but we all do need people and if we hold them all at arms length, we miss out on the relationship that makes life, well life. I say this knowing that I have a MASSIVE issue with "needing" anything, let alone people right now.
All just rambling thoughts really!
*hugs*
xoxo
Can I just say I’m enjoying your lightbulb moment series :-)
The intimacy issue is another enigma in itself. Not only have I struggled to be intimate with others in the past, but also I’ve struggled to be intimate with myself. I think recovery requires you to be intimate with yourself, and a bit like your last post on therapy as ‘weird’ I think self intimacy is an unsettling experience because modern life is so fast paced that there is no time or space for intimacy in general.
I’ve found that as I become more comfortable about spending time with me, looking inside me and helping me, the more confident I am able to be around others. For the first day yesterday I had the courage to text a friend and say that I was having a bad day. Normally I tell everyone that everything is fine. All the time. Even when I was in hospital, and throughout much of treatment I always claimed to be ok. I didn't want to 'burden' others with my 'issues'.
I think that my fear of intimacy closely links to a fear of being abandoned, in that I worry by sharing my innermost self that others won’t like what they see.
Sarah x
I don't mind social situations but I feel like I have to be "on". This is very draining and then I'll go over any mistakes with after event time and it's just a giant suck fest.
Kim, I can't tell you how much I relate to all these light bulb moments you have! Wow.
And yeah the faltering interest in food based blogs is great- I know sometimes I find myself even going to a site with 'health' advice or whatever and then I stop and I'm like- I really don't care, I'd much rather look up hilarious youtube videos!
I am stuck on what to say about intimacy issues, probably because I really haven't worked on that part of my own problems. I have super long arms too ;) one day I will rectify this.
I just listened to your duck story and I really enjoyed it! Larry is right, you are a great writer. It was really cool to hear what you sound like too :)
Congrats on the weight gain! I know it's a subject that promotes ambivalent feelings but sometimes if I act as if it's something to celebrate, I start feeling more proud of myself. I was so happy when I noticed that I wasn't interested in food blogs anymore too, I am sure it's a sign of being properly nourished etc - so congrats for that as well!
Ugh, did you see the ridiculous swimming suit on the front of the VS catalog?!
There are some people I try to keep from getting intimate with me on purpose, and I hate that. But I am almost too open with everyone else. I hope you find your comfort zone!
Re: #3 and #4 on your list - yay and yay! I tend to obsess over things too, so if you notice whatever has changed that is allowing you to break free, please let us know! :)
I totally struggle with social situations. I feel like if I dont have enough people who i consider safe I want to run away. i avoid them, and i have a hard time feeling good about myself. these people see a bubbly, happy, smiling girl. and i feel like a dud.
i avoid a lot of things, but I know I can get stronger and I am getting there every day! 2 months ago I was almost excited by social situations and since not leaving my house for a long time, it seriously freaks me out.
so im doing something productive.
im writing a book. I think i miss your blog being pink. haha
your lightbulb moments are great
your therapist cracks me up
I am with Telstarr and just read her comment out loud to D. He asked, "did you write that?" :)
I have always been an introvert, but enjoy spending time with people and sometimes even run the show socially. In high school and the first year of college, I was really the point at which groups of friends intersected and mixed. I have lost my confidence socially and my social drive as I've dealt with my ED and that has been one of the worst (and longest lasting) side effects.
In relationship to the scale--I ditched mine last May. Have been on it once since then. Then realized, "every time I get on--REGARDLESS of the number, whether it's up or down--I feel sad that I'm not smaller, and pressured." Feeling pressured is not good; being smaller (by a few pounds) would be ok health-wise but it's not where my body wants to be so it would be setting myself up to struggle mentally.
My eating is stable, my exercise changes from week to week but is consistent in terms of the effort and (roughly) the times. I use my jeans as a guide and if they are feeling too tight, honestly, I just move a little bit more, drink some more water, wear leggings or a sundress for the rest of the week, and wait for my period to be over :)
I suggest you ditch the scale. If it makes you feel anything, it's probably not working for you.
I'd rather have my routine, maintain a limited interaction with the outside world,
Led Bulbs
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