I mean, if you're going by the DSM, I don't meet a single one of the criteria:
-Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight (e.g., less than 85% of that expected): Nope, I'm more in the 90-95% range for me.
-Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat: Nope, not really.
-Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight: Nope. I don't like my bloated days, but does any woman?
-Amenorrhea: Nope.
In regards to that last one...
My period has been extremely, weirdly regular. I was due to get it on Saturday. Nothing. Sunday, also nothing. And, as silly as this sounds, I felt sort of purposeful for a second, like I had a mission ahead of me. Maybe I'd lost weight somehow! Maybe I needed to gain again, dust off the ol' meal plan, in order for the period to return in all its gloriousness! Then, Monday morning, there it was, like, "Oh, hello, did you miss me? I just wanted you to enjoy your weekend, love" (my period has a British accent, by the way).
So, what's this "feeling purposeful" thing about? Well, I think for a while (2-3 years), anorexia was my identity. After that, recovery from anorexia became my identity. I've spent far more years (close to 9?) with this identity. I don't think it's any mystery that when I've gained weight in the past, I've lost it. It's not that I wanted to be thinner; it's more that I wanted to continue "the game." I like playing catch up. Oh, the drama of it all! Just like anorexia was a distraction from real life, recovery from anorexia became a distraction from real life. If I was having a relationship issue or career doubts or general angst, my first thought was usually to see a nutritionist, to talk to my therapist (about my eating disorder...I'm great with metaphors), to get on the scale, to make a new meal plan. It's been far easier for me to associate anything and everything with anorexia than to face the realities of just...me, and my "normal" life. When I consider that I'm not really anorexic anymore, I get a little sad. Part of the sadness is that there's no scapegoat. There's no disorder to blame. If I have a bad day, it's just a bad day, unrelated to food or weight. But, most of the sadness is about this lack of mission and purpose. Who am I if I'm not fighting this disease? Who am I if I'm not fighting, period?
When I went to the doctor for my physical yesterday, I sat on the table thinking, "Wow, I remember coming to the doctor's office and the entire visit would be focused on anorexia." Was I orthostatic? Was I going to pass out right there? Were my bones about to break? Would I get my period back, or be forever infertile? This time, the doctor didn't make one comment about my weight. Anorexia did not even come up. She told me how she just adopted a baby from India, and we talked about that. Nothing about what I eat, or my BMI, or whatever.
I don't have any desire to recapture my anorexia identity. I suppose I've known that for a while. But, it's just now that I've recognized my "recovery from" identity. I think it's hard for me to let go of the project of it. Or maybe it's hard for me to let go of this idea that I'm broken and flawed and, well, disordered.
I just ordered Jenni Schaefer's book, "Goodbye ED, Hello Me," because I think it may be applicable to this particular issue.
Do you struggle with knowing yourself outside of your disorder (and recovery from that disorder)?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations." I love that show.
2. Purple nail polish. Keeps me from biting my nails so much.
3. A short story contest without a reading fee. These are rare.
4. Sleep. This is anticipatory gratitude for tonight's bedtime. I'm very tired.
5. Hot lunch at home in an hour or two. The office is freezing.
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14 comments:
I really liked this post because it got me thinking about my own situation- how all I used to know about myself (identity like you said) was that I had anorexia- then in recovery and all that F- ED stuff. Now though, I'm just me...Sara, and at first that was freakin scary as hell because I assumed everyone who saw me just thought of me as Sara, that anorexic girl- or Sara that girl who used to be anorexic. I've discovered more about myself though and the other identities I have- I'm Sara, the friend: Sara, the daughter; Sara, the girl who can freestyle rap at random. It's great and I don't even miss the anorexia- because it was quite a pitiful identity to have.
Just like how you are Kim- a wife, daughter, friend, writer...!
I think when I was entrenched in the disease I expected it to be a humongous deal when I made that transition out of DSM Criteria- but really it's kind of anticlimactic- and I really don't care to ever fall back.
PS...
Anthony Bourdain :) YAYYY! Have a fatty crush on him...well if we were closer in age to each other ;)
I still struggle with the identity aspect of it--strange how it's now that I'm "out of the woods", so to speak. I can't wait for the day that I can go down that checklist and answer everything in the negative with a goofy, self-satisfied smile.
Kim,
You will LOVE Jenni's new book! It's fantastic.
its a strange realization understanding that you are...well you. i am mallory- im not an anorexic and i need to get past that. it is like a comfort zone to have "mal the anorexic" to fall back on, but i will never make it through recovery if i keep up that attitude. great post!
I loved seeing you post this realization. I think it's wonderful!!!!! It's a big deal to think of yourself as well and realize that you don't have to constantly tend that recovery garden any more.
I agree with cinnamon about the multiple identities that make up you - I can think of writer, blogger, questioner, wife, friend, cat mom, TV fan, and smartass (in a good way, of course). The more time you have to experiment with things that aren't related to recovery, the more possibilities you have for rediscovering old pasttimes or finding new ones that you love.
I struggled with identity a lot a few years ago but it was all in relation to my age. When I was younger I was very involved in music and youth culture. Then I started grad school and went into a professional career. When I hit my early 40s, I wasn't sure how those two identities fit together. After a few years I resolved it and now think of myself as an "aging hipster." :-)
I read that book last fall and found it to be very thought-provoking/motivating. I've been thinking about the identity issue as well. I think the good news about this whole situation is that even though the ED, and recovery, create a way to define ourselves, it's a pretty damn pigeon-holed definition. Try not to think of it as losing an identity, but as GAINING a much richer, more multi-faceted Kim, now that you don't have the ED riding on your back and blocking everything else out.
I literally laughed out loud about the British accent, btw. ;)
hahahaha you had me in stitches. this was a great post. but i couldn't stop laughing at the fact that your period had an english accent in it. it almost made it hard to read the rest in a serious way because i would just start laughiing again when i remembered what i had just read.
you are one.fabulous.writer!
I actually haven't read any ED related books.. so let us know how it goes. are there any you have read that are great?
This is a fabulous question, and definitely one that I have struggled with. For a long time, being and staying in recovery took a lot of work and diligence. I'd relapse every 6 months or so, and at those times I'd feel like I was home. Then I'd start recovering (AGAIN) and feel like I was "home" there, too -- in the recovery phase.
I *think* i'm done viewing myself like that. But some days, I"m not sure.
HAHAHAHA, your period has a British accent. I don't know why but that made me laugh hysterically tonight so thank you! I loved seeing the photos of Little Kim, the cool non-pasty-wearing-non-rapping one. I think I will take the meme challenge to post on my own old photos. Sadly, my cutest ones are only in prints and I don't have a working scanner right now. I'll see what I can do :)
I think this post represents all that coming "back from anorexia" means, really, Kim, and I'm sure it makes the people who are in those photographs and who know and love you very happy. What is most important, though, is that YOU are happy, and I am glad to hear that you're coming to a place in your life where you're Kim--survivor, stronger, moving on. It gives me a lot of hope that I can be in the same place soon.
congrats on how far you've come. and hot lunch. it is cold. brrrr.
thank you for this post!
Even though I haven't really been commenting, I've been reading. It's just that I don't think I'm in such a solid state of recovery as you right now, so I don't have a lot to add. However, I could completely relate to this post in that I think you hit one of my fears on the head...
What now? By keeping myself sick, I am keeping a built-in excuse for anything else that might go wrong in my life. It's a comforting feeling to know that I have "wiggle room just in case" with everything from my meals to my social life (or lack thereof).
But while you know that you are so much more than someone with an eating disorder (or recovered from one), it's still hard to let go of the part of your life that has essentially dominated and defined you for years. Instead of being scared and anxious about not really knowing what to work towards, who we really are, etc. maybe this is the time to create the "real" Kim and let her shine through with no excuses, no distractions and no apologies.
Maybe you don't have to have a goal other than taking each day for what it is, doing what makes you happy and finding the passions that were consumed by the ED for so long? No matter what, the answer to "If not this, then what?" has to be something better than the alternative.
You know my thoughts on this already ;) It's no wonder that so many people get stuck at this point really, because eating disorders steal a person's sense of self and personality, so when they start to recover, being a recovering anorexic is the first thing about themselves that they can hang on to. I think I'm gradually coming out of that now - it helps to repeat to myself that I don't expect myself to be entirely fine now I'm physically healthy, I am allowed to find things difficult and ask for support still. I like all the Kim I've met so far, I don't think any of us think of you just in terms of being a recovering anorexic. There are loads of recovering anorexics out there but only one of you! (oh heck, the cliches are coming to get me...)
I'm going to have to imagine my period with a Californian accent now :P
Thanks for posting this. I'm in a similar place where I don't really meet the criteria for anorexia anymore yet I still consider my ED to be a huge part of my identity. And I don't know what to make of that. I don't think I'm fully recovered yet in that I think I still need to be very careful that I don't slip back but I also am recovered enough that i need to start thinking about things beyond eating disorders. Part of this is that I'm afraid that I won't have anything outside the eating disorder. And part of it is that trying to come up with some kind of identity sounds hard. But anorexia is no identity and being in recovery from anorexia isn't really the identity I want either.
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