I do quite a bit of worrying about what's "normal" (and the fact that I put it in quotes just emphasizes that I have no idea what an objective definition of normalcy is). Years of disordered eating kind of threw off my self-trust. I mean, not knowing if you're hungry or what you're hungry for or how to feed yourself is pretty basic. It's like not knowing how or when to pee.
I tend to reminisce about the pre-anorexia days when I ate without much thought. I didn't analyze my cravings. I didn't think that it was weird to eat a bowl of white rice with a side of french fries for lunch. I didn't balance my protein with my carbs and fats. I didn't compare my plate to my friend's plate. I just ate. Pre-anorexia, I was much better with decisions in general. Granted, I wasn't really wiser (I once decided to write expletives on the bottom of a cup when selling lemonade to a neighborhood kid I did not like), but I was decisive. I was efficient. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn't bogged down by doubt. But, when you've had a disease that takes you completely out of yourself and then almost kills the remaining shell, you struggle a bit with trusting yourself again. You question your motivations and intentions more. Are they coming from a healthy place, or that pesky destructive place? You ask yourself questions like this until you don't know up from down anymore. You second guess. A lot.
This has been the longest, hardest part of recovery for me -- coming to peace with who I am, separate from anorexia, and trusting my choices. This applies to food, of course. I bug Larry pretty frequently with questions about what's normal: "Is it normal that I'm still hungry after eating this calzone?" "Is it normal that I just don't like pork?" "Is it normal to worry about what's served at a dinner party?" But, it applies to more than food, too. I wonder if the way I socialize is normal, if the way I dress is normal, if the way I think and feel is normal. I'm stuck on this word -- normal. I'm constantly aspiring to it, though I have no idea what it means. It seems very arbitrary. Normal, like beauty, seems to be in the eye of the beholder.
I got an automated message from my doctor's office yesterday that I should call in for the results from my physical. I did. And I got a whole lot of "normal." Blood sugar, normal. Kidney function, normal. Liver function, normal. Estrogen levels, normal. Thyroid, normal. Cholesterol, normal. Triglycerides, normal. Normal, normal, normal. I'm writing the word so much that it's starting to look weird to me (does this ever happen to you? I got very stuck on the word "what" once. It just looked so strange to me. I was not high).
So, maybe I'm more normal than I think. Maybe there's nothing drastically wrong with me. I was waiting for the doctor to tell me that there was. I've been feeling just fine this past week. My mood is good. Maybe I'm just more prone to depression and anxiety, and it's something I have to work harder to manage. Maybe that's my "normal." I think I can learn to be okay with that.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's Friday!
2. I'm very much looking forward to calzone + "Project Runway" tonight.
3. We have a free weekend ahead of us. I'm pondering ice skating...
4. We got my sister's husband a birthday gift I think he'll really appreciate ;) That's my favorite kind of gift-giving. We get to see them next weekend!
5. Blue Buffalo cat food. Larry is obsessed with giving our cats the best in feline nutrition. It has flax seed in it. I'm pretty sure they eat as well as we do. He's so funny.
Friday, January 29, 2010
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17 comments:
I miss those old days too! When I had no clue that meals should involve a fruit or vegetable and too many carbs were...too many! I also miss my old metabolism which, thanks to Maya, is now a mess. :)
I appreciate your comments! Glad you get my humor because not too many people do.
PS - I thought I was the only one who wrote things like "shower" and "gym" on my to-do list, just so I could have the satisfaction of crossing them off. :)
Hmm...I think this might work..blogspot is being difficult :(
Great points again. Absolutely.
Right now I have to force myself to eat by the clock...NOT fun...and feel I will never be back to a any normal hunger feelings...its all ridiculous...i honestly doubt i will ever be intuitive at all...what u write is true....i ate things before without one thought or anything...not doubts about if its "right" and crap...most of the time now, I get so frustrated I just end up eating whatever anyway. Dammed if I do and dammed if I don't :)
"Normal"
This has been the theme of my day and feeling like I "should" be back to "normal" since my physical self is almost there. The fact of the matter is that I feel like every decision I make is the opposite of normal and I have to constantly rethink it all to verify that in fact I am ok.
As for remembering intuitive eating? I barely recall those days! I only wish I could!
Glad all your tests came back normal :) I know it's good to have an explanation, but equally it's good that everything is working! I agree that learning to trust yourself again is one of the hardest parts of recovery, I worry that I'll never get any better at functioning and will have to police myself for the rest of my life. I actually find that bad days can be quite useful for this, because they give me practise at coping in healthier ways, and I trust myself a little bit more after each low mood passes.
Enjoy your free weekend! Ice skating sounds like a great idea. Now I've been once I want to go again!
We all know there is no "normal," but rather just varying degrees of dysfunction. Today, I feel I am operating at the highest level, so this post was spot-on.
Let's just say that I am the queen of overanalysis when it comes to every decision I make (or don't make and hope someone makes for me, but then yell at them for making it). Should I eat this? Should I balance it with that? Is it normal to do this? Is it normal to feel (or not feel) that?
I often wonder if I'm really sick, or if I just need an excuse for something instead of getting on with my life...is that normal? Anyway, it's not normal to rant in your comments, so I'll zip it.
Glad the test came back as they should (not "normal," as I'm sick of looking at that word, too). We all change as we get older, so maybe your new doubt is actually just you being a little bit wiser than you were back in your white rice and french fry days ;)
I wonder about this quite a bit too, because I know people with little eating idiosyncrasies that would definitely be attributed to the ED if I did them. I think that the important thing to consider is whether a preference is disruptive to your life, if it causes distress or anxiety. It's ok not to like something, or to prefer X or Y, but how much of a disaster is it if you can't have X or Y? Some people prefer to hang out at home every night, but some people don't so much prefer it as they are terrified to go out (not that I think you are in this category, just an example).
My eating repertoire is actually a lot wider now than before my ED, although part of that might be that I was essentially a kid when I started dieting, and had a lot of "picky eater" tendencies for pretty much my whole life.
Well, I think instead of wondering if you are "normal", ask yourself if what you're doing is making you unhappy. Is it restricting you in anyway? Is it making you less efficient and productive? If not, then that is YOUR own "normal".
That's the way I look at it anyway. :-)
Your post reminds me of my favorite quote from the movie "Quadrophenia":
Jimmy's Mom: Ridin' about on them motorbikes all night, I'm not surprised. It's not normal.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah? What's normal, then!!!
I guess I think normal is on a range and most of your more interesting people are on the far end of that range.
Of course it's important for all of us to aspire to when it comes to normal and healthy eating behavior. And it's not just people recovering from EDs who are less intuitive as they get older. I have to watch what I eat and work to include my fruits & veggies because I have high cholesterol. Definitely not like the college days when we would go to Wendy's for fries and a Frosty every night!
But as far as dress, socializing, moods, and that kind of stuff, I guess that normal is all pretty relative. Sure there are some real freaks out there like Michael Jackson, but the rest of us range on a continuum from normal/extremely boring to different/neurotic/interesting. I think it's safe to say that you and I are more anxious than the average bear, but otherwise normal enough.
Oh, I remember those days fondly! The days when making a second quesadilla didn't even raise an eyebrow...or the thought of transfat never brought a halt to enjoying the canned cinnamon rolls!
And for normal... It's all subjective. As long as you're happy, healthy, and aren't causing some great harm in the process, then I would say you're on the right track. Even if one day you found out that what you've been doing isn't "normal," I'd still call you and want to get frozen yogurt!
Miss you!
I have this big issue with the concept of "normal"... lots and lots of people go, "There is no normal" and I argue with that because I DO believe there is a range of normal. I do not believe that everyone's experience of life will be (or has to be) the same as the next person, but I do believe there is a relative range of "normality" for the broader range of people...
I think for me with the eating disorder, I realise that part of MY issue (and i'm not at all implying this is yours cause i don't think it is) is that I don't want to jsut be NORMAL! In some ways I very much do, I would love to eat without yelling or guilt (oh bring back those days!), I would love to go shopping without guilt on doing something for me! etc etc. Those are things I'd love to get to a range of normality. But in life in general, I desire some sense of being abnormal but in a good way (like wanting to be really good in an area of work or being a good friend etc). But it often seems unachieveable so i destruct with the eating disorder.
Anyway, I guess the thing is (or at least that I am learning in my life) that its okay to be "normal" in lots of areas if you/we/me are comfortable with that place and its okay to NOT be normal too if those things are not damaging us or harming us (or others)... its okay to seek to be a bit different, its okay to seek to be normal... its just figuring out what we want. Once we hit the level of "normal" then we actually get to start making some choices around what we want to do with our rather well adjusting selves and as we know decision making is scary and tricky... even though it can be rewarding.
Not sure i'm making sense but I rambled anyway :)
All in all, I'm really glad your results came back okay!
*hugs with love* xoxo
I think you do have to define what normal is for you! Because my normal is probably someone else's "strange"! Find where you feel most comfortable - that is you being normal! :)
And I am happy to hear your results from the doctor where medical industry normal! :)
I've struggled through this so many times and what I've come up with in the end is that there is no real "normal." Like one other poster said, I've started asking myself if what I'm doing is making me unhappy--which also doesn't necessarily help much because there are some times (ok lots of times) when eating still makes me unhappy. I guess maybe a better way to look at it is whether or not what you're doing is helping you have a sustainable life.
I too think a lot about my pre-anorexia days. And I start beating myself up for not being able to just snap back to that and eat "normally." But I can't do that. And beating myself up about won't help. And right now, eating by rote and by a plan is going to have to be my normal.
I'm glad you've been feeling good this past week! And I think I may have to try the Blue Buffalo cat food. I'm a total loser about things like that--my cats definitely eat better than me.
btw my word verification was impairmi--Impair me? No thanks, I think that's already happened lol.
Hey!
I just came across your blog the other day and I really enjoy reading it!!
I would love it if you could check out my blog and follow as well :)
Jenna
Ahhh the question of normal! What the hell is normal, seriously? :) Yeah, I completely get you though- I feel that now that I've relearned intuitive eating, I sometimes feel elated that I can just randomly eat a plate of french fries for lunch if that's what I feel like- yeah, okay so it's not a good balance of protein/fat/carbohydrates- but whatever, right? I'll probably crave veggies, fruit, and meat later anyways so I find that it all balances out.
Anyways- with the normal thing- I am so happy to say that I think I'm finally falling along the lines of being a 'normal' college student- work hard, play hard, try new things :)
Loved this post!
I cracked up about your cat food. I give Java premium dog food. My husband, mom, dad, and sister all think I am ridiculous, but I think I keep it a reasonable level. After all, it's not ORGANIC premium dog food :) As Effie White says in Dreamgirls, "I can go further. I CAN GO FURTHER!"
My family also suggested that I get Java an "organic, fair trade, made from recycled materials, cruelty-free bark collar" since I am only into positive methods of reinforcement and training and therefore haven't had a lot of success with controlling her barking.
I swear, I need to live in California, because I would totally buy such a thing if it existed.
I used to struggle so much worrying not only whether I was normal, but whether other people thought of me as normal also. It wasn't until I started paying more attention to people around me that I realized EVERYONE has their quirks, habits, fears and emotions, and the only thing causing me doubt was my "quest" to be normal. Normal is being yourself, and not apologizing or making excuses for it, I think.
wonderful post i was just writing about normal and pre-ana days this morning! i dont have a conclusion to it. i think i have always been "strange" to some people but it was normal to me.
and the lackidasial careless pre ana eating days were so different from me now. i was a picky eater and loved bland food. chicken fingers plain, french fries, plain, meat plain, and i hated vegetables! so i was already a "strange" eater and not normal.
now i get so tossed and turned figuring out which is ED normal and which is MAL normal
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