I wasn't so sure of this for a long time. I thought I was just a weak person who couldn't feed herself normally. I beat myself up for this, which really only led to more restricting. When my dad said things like, "But, Kim, there are starving people in Africa," I nodded and thought, "I know, I'm such a piece of shit." When loved ones expressed bewilderment that I would choose not to eat, I didn't know what to do but shrug and say, "I'm bewildered too." I mean, who chooses not to eat?! But that's just it -- anorexia is not really a choice. It's an illness. This is something I've started to understand, logically, though my emotional learning is slower. I still have days of thinking I'm such a piece of shit for not being "over" this completely (whatever that means).
Sometimes, I feel compelled to be an eating disorder advocate, to increase and improve awareness of anorexia as a mental illness and, further, to change the way people see mental illness and remove the stigma. Because there IS stigma. I get invited to eating disorder groups on Facebook (usually by bloggers), and I never join because in my "real life," not many people know of my struggles. Again, I don't want to be seen as a weak person who can't feed herself. I assume others would see me this way, as I've seen myself this way for a number of years. It's hard for me to "come out," though I do see the benefits in doing so. After all, to hide is to perpetuate the idea that anorexia is shameful, that mental illness is shameful. It's not.
Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by how difficult it may be to change attitudes and perceptions. It's easier for others to package eating disorders like this: Woman (it's almost always considered a female disease) has low self-esteem, so she wants to lose weight and look better to garner more positive attention. Done. To consider the complexities of anorexia would be a bit much for most people. Throw in that it's a mental illness and, suddenly, it would not be relate-able for people. Right now, by associating anorexia with dieting, which is more popularly understood, eating disorders get sort of simplified. They fit nicely into 5-minute segments on "Access Hollywood."
The Onion always has a way of speaking truth, in a funny way. I think this sums it up:
You have to laugh a little, right?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Vacations are planned for 2010! Maui end of April; Seattle/Portland/Eugene in August.
2. Therapy tomorrow!
3. I've heard so many great things about "This Emotional Life" so I'm planning to watch it this weekend, or catch a re-airing.
4. Waking up in the same position I fell asleep. I love when this happens.
5. "Inhale" yoga with Steve Ross on Oxygen. He's totally dorky and weirdly flexible. He wears MC Hammer pants and has goofy soundtracks. But, I like him.
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14 comments:
I agree with everything you said in this post, Kim! For the longest time, I tried to hide my eating disorder history even though I knew a lot of people already knew out of the fear that people would wrongfully associate my ED with my love of fashion and see it merely as out of vanity. I've recently started to explain to people that it really is a mental illness (for those that ask or want to better understand friends/family members with EDs) and sometimes it honestly does feel like an overwhelming dead end. One girl I was on the India trip (who doesn't have an ED...but OCD) with had said that "having an eating disorder is so selfish when you have people in the world who cannot even afford to feed themselves," to which I immediately retorted and corrected her ignorant statement. This is also a girl who constantly bragged about how she 'doesn't eat carbs for breakfast,' or would bring up how many calories are in a chipotle burrito.
It is hard to come out with my history and talk about it with people, but the more I do it, the less uncomfortable it becomes and hopefully the way I speak of it well help reduce the stigma people I know have about EDs.
Sara
In my early 20s, I developed an anxiety disorder, severe clinical depression, and agoraphobia. (It is also hard to explain to people why you don't want to leave the house for 6 months). Now 20 years later I only have a mild anxiety disorder which is pretty well-controlled.
I know how you feel about wanting to advocate to other people, and also feeling shame and having (what I think is legitimate) concern about how other people would feel if they "knew."
What I ended up doing was only going public over time with people like my boss and very close friends. But I have had opportunities over the years to "pay it forward" by providing support one-on-one to people I met who also had depression or anxiety. (And of those people was a really cute guy and I married him!)
Yes, yes and more yes! I've been feeling so frustrated recently by the misconceptions about eating disorders, and I am also torn between wanting to speak up but being overwhelmed by how big a task changing attitudes would be. The reality is that there is a large genetic/biological component to eating disorders but even some treatment centres perpetuate the myth that sufferers are just stubborn, making bad choices and hopeless. I kind of want to tear my hair out sometimes.
Maybe we can start a revolution on the sly ;) blogging is good like that.
What can I say? Another glorious post. I am ever thankful that you stumbled into my blog one day, because you lead me to this.
Firstly, you are an outstanding writer...I wish I could be that way with words.
Secondly, gratitudes are lovely. For december, I chronicled 25-days of gratitude on my blog.
Next, well well..."i am such a piece a shit"...yes i have been there...and actually i still say it to myself now about 5x a day...maybe i am still in the throes of the depression of it?
The thought that it is an illness (whether it is an eating diorder or depression or anything) vs. a CHOICE...i love that and i wish others could KNOW that...
I have an old acquaintance who views me and labels me as a failure and a loss-cause, a dependent pathetic person for amounting to nothing in my life , when first showed such promise. If I write or express my TRUE feelings in any way, they tear me down as melodramatic and "lucky" ...they do not understand that an achievement for me is simply to finish writing a silly blog post...or to spend 30 minutes without worry...they do not understand how lucky they are to have the money for a movie, a yoga class, or to run...ah...the wonder and absolute exhaustion of it all. I must choose to accept myself right now and live only in the moment and not look to others or at others...it can slowly kill a person. Have a nice night Kim.
i've got such a love/hate relationship with steve ross. sometimes i just want him to SHUT UP! but i do like his "class" and style.
I completely agree and think it relates to other mental illness as well, ie: anxiety, depression, etc.. at least I remember feeling like that with anxiety and panic disorders! I think if more people were open about it, it'd be evident how "popular" it is and that feeling of shit, would be lessened.
Love The Onion!!!!
Ummm...once again, you pretty much read my mind and I just kind of posted the same thing (and I used to do the Steve Ross yoga on Oxygen every morning years ago until we stopped getting that channel. Dork, but I miss it.) Anyway...
I am the same exact way. I have a very close friend that actually works for the FREED Foundation as an advocate, and even though she is so dear to me, I told her not to flag me in any notes on Facebook because I didn't want anyone to see me with anything ED-related. It's ridiculous, but I just feel like no one "on the outside" sees it as something on par with other mental illness. And to be honest, anything--depression, anxiety, etc.--are usually seen as weaknesses and things to just "get over."
We know that's not the case, but trying to educate the masses feels overwhelming. I guess all we can do is deal with things the way we feel are healthiest for us, and weed out the negativity from people we probably don't need in our lives. Easy huh?
I swear...my mental twin (no offense.)
Great post! I have definitely noticed the stigma around mental mental illnesses, even the stigma around therapy! People don't believe mental illnesses are real, that you shouldn't use drugs for them, and that therapy is a waste. I don't agree with any of those things.
Obviously, anorexia could fall into this category. If it didn't you COULD fight it with logic by thinking about the starving people.
You are not a pos. Think about how mindful you are and how much you want to change. There are so many shitty people in the world who are rotten and don't even care. You know you have a few issues and are trying to work on them. That is honorable and admirable.
your very right! This is exactly what i have been thinking about all morning. my post this morning was about how i dont see my ED in many articles i read about EDs because i feel like some of these journalists are sitting there writing about them not understanding whats really going on. i want to raise awareness aswell, even if its just to some girl whos a got a sister with an ED.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/series
I saw you had this on your list and I came across it this morning. I have saved it in my favourites as my computer is slow at the moment and I haven't watched anything I was waiting until my broadband quickened up so I hope its what your looking for?
What exactly do you mean by anorexia being a biological disease? I'm not sure I exactly agree with that...I think there is more to chemistry and biological issues to come into EDs...
But I agree that ED should not be classified so simply as a diet thing. It is NOT just a diet gone wrong, and it's not just about food and weight. There is SO many complicated things going in behind it that really turns a person helpless and weak.
I also agree that we really need to change our views on mental illnesses. These people are not stupid, foolish, weak, or selfish people. Most of the times, the mental patients I've met are the kindest, most intelligent souls. But the stigma on them, and the way society views them restricts them into that exact perception imposed on them.
Question is...How do we start? I would love to hear more about what you have to say about this, Kim!
p.s. Gaaah...I still can't comment without logging onto my previous wordpress account!
And thank you for your comments on mine :) I hope you don't mind you have jumped onto my blogroll
This post says so much of what has been on my mind lately. I struggle so much about whether or not to share my disorder with people and with trying to explain the reality of mental illnesses to people.
Great post, very insightful. It's all about that balance of accepting the illness but not identifying your whole being/self with it either. That's what it's been for me, anyway.
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