Birthday dinner #2

Well, it's official. I have lived three decades. Larry informed me that come 2010, I will have lived in five decades (I was born in 1979), which makes me feel even older. In the past, I've been known to have birthday blues. I think I've cried on my birthday four of the last five years. Not this year. I'm happy to be 30. I've heard the thirties are characterized by self-acceptance and giving less and less of a shit about what people think. This sounds good to me.

The source of past birthday depression was always this nagging feeling that life was passing me by and I wasn't accomplishing what I wanted. I felt like I was just accumulating regrets. But, this year, I can say that I'm pretty content with where I'm at in my life. I never had a list of "things to do before I turn 30," and maybe that was the key. I'm just grateful for what I have. I have a great husband, who is extremely patient and loving with me. I have a supportive family and loyal friends. I have a wonderful, little condo with cats who never fail to make my day. I'm enjoying writing for fun again. And, oh yeah, I don't really care too much about food and weight and all that. It just doesn't cross my mind that often.

My birthday dinner last night was at The Counter. We were going to go somewhere a bit fancier, but I really wanted the sweet potato french fries at The Counter. I can indulge in those pretty much guilt-free now, which is amazing if you witnessed the standoff that used to exist between me and fried foods. After dinner, we picked up my ice cream (well, gelato, actually) cake next door at Piccomolo. I've always loved ice cream cake. I can't say I like cake, in general. Never have, really. I feel like it gives me dry mouth. But, ice cream cake is something else entirely.

One great gift yesterday:

I was interviewed to be part of a study about social connections and recovery from eating disorders (and I get a $25 Amazon gift card for participating!). The screening just happened to be yesterday.

Interviewer: In the last 3 months, how many times have you restricted, skipping at least two meals in a day?

Me: Zero.

Interviewer: In the last 3 months, how many times have you overexercised to lose weight?

Me: Zero.

Interviewer: In the last 3 months, have you thought that you need to lose weight -- not at all, slightly, moderately, ??? (Ha, I don't even remember the last option)?

Me: Not at all.

Talking objectively about my anorexia helps me see just how far I've come.

Another great gift:

I got a job!

I signed an offer to work with Larry's company. I've freelanced for them as a writer for over a year, so I know them and they know me. I'll be a full-time writer with some computer programming duties. It'll involve learning something new, so I'm super excited! Larry and I have worked together before (that's how we met, actually), so I'm not too worried about that dynamic. I'm more worried about the kitties being home alone. I know, I'm spoiled. Our house has been very clean and our errands very done with me being at home. We'll figure it out though. Life is always changing -- that's one thing I learned at the tail-end of my twenties :)

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! They mean so much to me!

See ya later, twenties!

***

Today's gratitude:

1. A surprise gift on my doorstep last night from a good friend. That was completely unexpected and made me all warm and fuzzy.

2. All the phone calls from my friends yesterday. I am truly loved, and very lucky.

3. I feel some liberty to shop for new clothes now that I know I'll have an income. I'm tempted to order things online... Hmm...

4. I had a wonderful "writer meeting" with my good friend, Meredith, on Monday (she writes this blog: http://writersinnerjourney.com/). I was so inspired that I've been working on my new book and having more fun with it than I have in several months.

5. Enjoying my last days of home time: yoga on DVR, reading, hanging with the kitties, scribbling down screenplay ideas, working on my Japan book, watching Netflix movies on my laptop. Life is good :)

Birthday dinner #1

A while ago, Sarah at Bearing, Eating, Being posted "Not the last supper," which I related to completely (I relate to most of her posts, so this was no shock). In my recovery, I notice that I still place a great deal of pressure on meals out. I feel like they're a "splurge" so they better be "worth it." If they're not -- if my meal is not what I expected, if it's too cold or too hot, if it just doesn't taste good for whatever reason -- I get irrationally upset.

Let's take last night as an example.

My dad's birthday is today and mine is on Tuesday, so we gathered for a family birthday celebration. Larry and I went to my sister's house and she drove us to Padri's, which I didn't know much about. My sister's description was like this: "Once, we saw Dwight Schrute from 'The Office' there. And the gnocci is good." I like Italian food, and I think it's pretty hard to mess it up, so I had high hopes. I ordered the lobster ravioli, which is not something I order on a routine basis, but it's my birthday, damn it. Unfortunately, it was not good. The sauce was cream-based and had this really odd flavor. And there were little bits of asparagus on top, and I hate asparagus. It just wasn't my thing. I was hoping for some kind of vodka sauce, or marinara. I guess I should have asked. I got unnerved, thinking about all the things I should have ordered. I started kicking myself. Then, I did something pretty cool -- I just stopped.

I found myself taking a deep breath and telling myself, "It's not your last supper" (thanks, Sarah!). I think part of my recovery is realizing that food really is just food. It doesn't have to be perfect. There can be "off" days in terms of appetite, quality of food, etc, and that's okay. I've spent so much time and energy obsessing over what I eat that it's hard for me to just shrug off a bad meal. But, I did fine last night, so fine that I enjoyed a couple pieces of my birthday cake at my sister's house :)

Some pictures from the family bday:

Larry and I at the restaurant.

My sister and me.

With my dad.

With my mom.

With my grandmas.

***

Today's gratitude:

1. I have a very loving family.

2. I found a yoga routine on DVR that I don't think is lame ("Inhale" on Oxygen. Yes, the guy wears MC Hammer pants and there's weird music, but it's actually a good routine).

3. The shirt my mom got me fits!

4. I love the pictures my sister framed for my birthday. She's a great photographer so I picked some of her photos from her world travels and she framed 'em for me.

5. My sister also finished our wedding album -- finally :)

Psychic encounter

Yesterday, I had my monthly massage. I've mentioned my massage therapist before. She's a little kooky, but very nice. And she does amazing things to my neck and back. So, during the course of our small talk, she mentioned that she's been clairvoyant since she was a little kid. Say what? It was kind of weird because I'd toyed with the idea of going to a psychic for my 30th birthday (on Tuesday!), just for fun. I told her that and she said, "I can do a reading for you." I thought she meant at some later date, in a tiny room that smells like incense and contains some kind of crystal ball centerpiece. But, no. She meant right then and there.

First, let me say that this woman doesn't know anything about me, aside from the fact that my right side is always way tighter than my left side. I started seeing her when Larry and I were separated, so she doesn't even know I'm happily married. I don't talk to her about my personal life or work or hobbies or anything. We mostly talk about the weather and her Dobermans. Anyway, this is what she told me:

• You have a lot of down time lately. (Why, yes)
• You're worried about money because you're out of work. (Uh huh)
• You don't do well with uncertainty and the down time is hard on you. (Uh huh)
• You'll be getting stronger though, during this phase. You'll be less insecure and less apprehensive. (Really?)
• This is a phase of letting go. I don't know of what, exactly, but it's something you've carried since childhood, like a belief that you're not good enough. (Whoa)
• Your husband has a job, something tech-y, and he brings in income. (Larry's a computer programmer)
• Your husband is very loving and supportive. He doesn't pressure you at all. That relationship is very solid. He won't stray from you. (Aww, I so lucky)
• This period of down time will last about 4 months. It will be very difficult for you at times, but your husband will help you through it. (Aww x 2)
• You'll read a lot during this time. You'll do a lot of inner soul-searching. (I read all the time, so...)
• Some kind of opportunity will come your way. It's a business venture, not related to what you do now. (Hmm...)
• You will be successful in whatever this new position is. You'll be more powerful and assertive as a person. Money will no longer be an issue for you. (I like)
• I know this sounds weird, but I see a new wardrobe. You don't really like your wardrobe now and I see some good-fitting, classic style clothes. (I've been really lamenting my clothes lately, so this is odd)
• I see you getting a new car. I think it's blue. (I actually thought about getting a new car before I got laid off)
• I don't see kids for you and your husband. (Good, because neither do we)
• Your body is healthy. (Yay!)
• You have a little bit of a hormone imbalance though, and it's related to your diet. (That explains this weird acne)
• I know you write books. I don't see anything happening with that for a very long time. (I kind of had that feeling myself)

It was really...weird.

The only thing that doesn't ring true for me is the blue car. I would never get a blue car (though I do like the color blue).

Larry was less-than-impressed. But, come on! How could she know some of that?

Anyway, her advice to me was to get out of the house more than I want to. She says that the key is to stay open to opportunities right now. I had a hunch that was the key.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I have an interview today, actually. It's with Larry's company. I've freelanced for them and there may be a staff position. It would involve writing, but also learning some computer programming, which I've never done before. We'll see...
2. I'm having fun with this book I'm writing. If nothing happens with my fiction "career" until I'm old, that's okay with me. I'll always write.
3. DVR night! "Project Runway," "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," etc, etc.
4. Laziness without guilt.
5. Last days of my twenties!

Thin body, thick skin

I've been feeling a bit moody lately. I told my therapist today that it concerns me that I seem to swing so much. On Saturday, I was a pill for half the day, for no apparent reason. Then, I got over it (though I'm still not sure what "it" was), also for no apparent reason. Sometimes, it's like I'm begging my therapist to say, "Oh ya, you're totally messed up." She doesn't say that though, much to the disappointment of the self-hater in me. She just says, "And?"

Larry tends to share this "So what?" attitude toward my bad moods. He shrugs it off and says, "It sucks, but you'll get over it." And I do, and it's usually a surprise each time. As my therapist says, my "swings" just mean that my "bounce back" has gotten way better. I used to fall into funks that would be weeks or months long (and, arguably 1998-2001 was one giant funk). Now, I get upset and I get over it usually within a six hour timeframe. I guess that's pretty good.

The thing is that I've always been a little moody. Erratic. Mercurial. Tempermental. Grouchy. Grumpy. Irritable. Emotional. Take your pick of adjective. My favorite is "fussy." My overall mentality at times can be summed up by this Austin Powers clip: Then there is no pleasing you.

I've always seen my emotionality as a bad thing. I suppose this comes from growing up thinking I was "too sensitive." I feel like the goal was always to "toughen me up" and "give me thicker skin." I've been told I need to "let things roll off me more." My skin is just thin though and that seems to be as unchangeable as the color of my eyes. It's just part of who I am. I'm learning to accept it.

What's interesting is that the only time I've felt like my skin was thick was when I was severely anorexic. I didn't feel anything then. Nothing bothered me because I was completely disconnected from myself, other people and life in general. Perhaps this is why anorexia "clicked" with me so well. With it, I felt like I was dealing with life and emotions in a way that was more "normal" and "socially acceptable." I wasn't crying over "silly things"; in fact, I wasn't crying at all for about 3 or 4 years. I felt in control, for once. I didn't feel like that sensitive kid who had to be coddled. I can see how it "worked."

I'll take the emotionality that comes with being healthier though. Thicker body, thin skin. Yes, it scares me sometimes. When I'm in a mood, I don't see how I'll get out of it. I just feel like crap and that's that. When I do get out of it, I am perplexed as to how I did (and how I was even in it in the first place). Larry helps me accept myself exactly as I am. I think what they say about needing to be "your perfect self" before you love someone else is bullshit. I think when you fall in love with someone, you sort of fall in love with yourself because you see yourself as the other person sees you. Larry takes my moodiness in stride, and I'm learning to do the same. As he says, "It sucks, but you'll get over it." Turns out it's pretty much that simple.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. New Psychology Today arrived in the mail. (Mom, does this mean you got me a subscription for my birthday? If so, thank you!)
2. Oh yes, I turn 30 (!) on Tuesday! Family dinner on Saturday, husband/wife dinner on Tuesday, sister-in-law/nephew dinner next Sunday. I have placed specific cake requests. Can't wait!
3. Baseball playoffs and gymnastics world championships in the same week. That's like my ideal sports combo.
4. "The Shining"is in the number 1 spot of my Netflix queue. I'm preparing for Halloween.
5. I'm really into the book I'm working on. I "started over," thinking I'd scratch everything, but I really like what I have. Did I just say that?

Anorexia & brain scans

A good blog-to-real-life friend sent me this article from the BBC about how we can "see" anorexia on brain scans. It looks to be a couple years old, but still very interesting.

I don't know about you, but I'm very lazy about following links, so I'm just going to copy and paste the thing here, and I'm even going to bold the parts I think should not be skipped:

Anorexia visible with brain scans

Sophisticated scans have revealed the eating disorder anorexia is linked to specific patterns of brain activity.

Even young women recovering from anorexia who have maintained a healthy weight for over a year had vastly different brain activity patterns.

The findings in the American Journal of Psychiatry point to a brain region linked to anxiety and perfectionism. The University of Pittsburgh authors said the understanding might help with the development of new treatments. The work could also explain why people with anorexia nervosa are able to deny themselves food.

It is estimated that one in 100 women between the ages of 15 and 30 has anorexia. The main symptom is the relentless pursuit of thinness through self-starvation. This may become so extreme that it is life-threatening.

Dr Walter Kaye and his team studied 13 women who were recovering from anorexia and 13 healthy women. The women were asked to play a computer quiz where correct guesses were rewarded financially. At the same time, the researchers observed what was going on inside the mind using a type of brain scan called functional magnetic resonance imaging.

Worriers and perfectionists

During the game, brain regions lit up in different ways for the two groups of women.

While the brain region for emotional responses - the anterior ventral striatum - showed strong differences for winning and losing the game in the healthy women, women with a past history of anorexia showed little difference between winning and losing.

Dr Kaye said that, in anorexia, this might impact on food enjoyment. "For anorexics, then, perhaps it is difficult to appreciate immediate pleasure if it does not feel much different from a negative experience," said Dr Kaye.

Another brain area, called the caudate, which is involved in linking actions to outcome and planning, was far more active in the women with a history of anorexia compared to the control group. The anorexia group tended to have exaggerated and obsessive worry about the consequences of their behaviours, looked for rules where there were none and were overly concerned about making mistakes, said Dr Kaye.

He said: "There are some positive aspects to this kind of temperament. Paying attention to detail and making sure things are done as correctly as possible are constructive traits in careers such as medicine or engineering."

But carried to extremes, such obsessive thinking can be harmful, he said.

Dr Ian Frampton of Exeter University, who has himself been conducting MRI studies in patients with anorexia, said: "This shows how the brain might be important in eating disorders.

"There may be networks in the brain that make someone vulnerable to developing an eating disorder."

Establishing a neurobiological cause might help remove some of the blame and stigma that surrounds conditions like anorexia, he said. A spokeswoman from the eating disorders association "beat" said: "This demonstrates how complex eating disorders are and underlines that they should be treated as a serious mental illness and not a silly diet gone wrong."


My first thought: Damn, I knew I should have been an engineer.

My second thought: Does anorexia cause the changes in the brain, or do the brain patterns cause anorexia? In this chicken/egg scenario, I think the brain patterns predispose someone to anorexia. I was a perfectionist and a worrier long, long before I developed disordered eating. However, I think being sick further ingrained those brain patterns.

What do you think?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I re-stained the deck this weekend. I suck at home improvement projects, so this was an accomplishment for me.
2. I worked a little bit on my latest book. I haven't touched it in several months because I'm in limbo with the current book I'm hoping to sell, but I got a creative burst yesterday.
3. Dodgers and Angels are both in the playoffs!
4. Another great weekend, complete with many errands, dinner at Benihana with some of Larry's family, and just taking it easy.
5. I'm reading a new book called "American Fuji." The book I'm working on is partly set in Japan so I wanted to read a similar book to see how it compares. It's ok.

The mysterious ways of therapy

I consider myself a pretty logical, practical person (except for that business about believing that certain eating rituals will prevent bad things from happening to me). All in all, I like to think that life is pretty formulaic. I love cause-effect relationships: If A, then B. I salivate over order and predictability. When I took the GRE (to get into a writing program, mind you), my highest score was on the analytical section. I'm good at pattern recognition. Basically, I should have been an engineer or something.


Anyway, I've been noticing over the past few months how much therapy has helped me let go -- of anorexic thinking, and the notions I had about recovery from anorexia. I want to be able to put into words how it's helped. I want to outline everything logically, but it doesn't seem to want to work like that. The changes have been very gradual and very subtle, and very unformulaic. Through my years of therapy, I've wanted to think that recovery entails following a neat, tidy to-do list. After all, alcoholics get 12 steps. Why can't I have delineated steps? But, part of my recovery from anorexia has been about accepting that there aren't really steps (in recovery, or life, really). Recovery is not something I can accomplish in the same way that I accomplished getting straight A's in school. It's just not that linear. There is no magical meal plan. I used to think that if I just ate X, I would be "better." I would put it in my day planner to "skip exercise for a week" because I thought that would make me "recovered." But, turns out, recovery doesn't seem to have much to do with my day planner. I've come to many realizations lately, without actively trying, and I've incorporated them into my daily life, sort of subconsciously.


In this moment, I'd say I have very little energy about food. For a long time, I "pathologized" my food choices (my therapist's term), thinking that I was still so "disordered." The truth is that, yes, I put more thought into my food choices now than I did pre-anorexia, but there isn't anything wrong with that necessarily. I'm just aware that I have certain preferences, but I'm not morally attached to those preferences. I feel more connected to my body and, while I have to make sure I eat enough, I don't really get Hitler with myself anymore. Since 2001, when I actively started recovering, I've had the same voice in my head that I did when I was actively sick. "Come on, Kim, you don't need to eat that" became, "You are such an idiot, why can't you eat that?" Now, the critical voice is really quiet, almost gone. Most of that has to do with accepting where I'm at and not being so damn hard on myself. I mean, when I take an objective look at things, I pretty much eat what sounds good, I don't eat any "diet" foods, I don't stress about going out to eat. I've spent so much time berating myself for not being farther along and, somehow, in the last few months, I've stopped that. I told my therapist that I feel a "healthy apathy" in general. I just don't care so much about the things I used to care about -- plans and food, what others think, what's going to happen next, etc, etc. I'm not as concerned with things going "perfectly" (whatever that even means). Maybe it's the near-divorce, or getting laid off, but I feel much more at peace with the messiness of life. I don't feel like I need to control it as much. There's just more space in my head. I credit my therapist for helping me clear out my mental attic.

I wish there was a step-by-step guide to fighting anorexia, but I just don't think there is. What are your thoughts?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I met with a recruiter on Monday, so I'm being proactive in finding some work. She mentioned the possibiliy of a part-time placement, which would be just fine with me.
2. I got my books from Amazon in the mail!
3. RAIN!
4. I had a really nice time with my dad yesterday when he came to visit. I consumed way more sweet potato fries at lunch than I thought I would. Go me.
5. Larry and I have been able to talk about money issues, which is never a comfortable topic for us. I think he's afraid of me because I get so upset about financial stuff, but I'm trying to convince him (and myself) that I won't freak out about things.

Week in Review (aka I'm lazy)

I woke up today thinking I wanted to post, but wasn't sure what to write about. When this happens in my personal journal, I resort to bullet points that recap the days that have passed since my last entry. I don't know why. I used to think I was doing this for my future, elderly self, who would look back on my younger years and reminisce. But, what's funny is that I never, ever read my old journals. I've come to the conclusion that the act of writing (or recapping) just helps me feel mentally organized in the moment, which is all good when I'm scattered. So, here it goes. I don't expect this to be especially entertaining for you, but, eh.

Monday: Cleaned and did laundry to 1) feel like I'm contributing to my household and 2) distract myself from the suckiness of being unemployed and having no work. Otherwise, sat around and read some of "This Boy's Life" by Tobias Wolff (not sure what all the fuss is about with this dude).

Tuesday: Official last day of work. Signed my severance agreement. Finally got someone to tell me how the hell to ship my work laptop back to corporate headquarters (though I'm still not sure how this will occur). Sent some article pitches to Psychology Today and Yoga Journal, then got depressed at the notion of "being a writer," waiting around for someone to be interested. Watched "Shrink" on my laptop and did the Dave Farmar yoga podcast (not sure what all the fuss is about with this dude).

Wednesday: Filed for unemployment online. Got my period and became a very unpleasant human. Went to therapy where I discovered that I don't really think about food much anymore and I'm pretty okay with exactly where I'm at. There's not so much wrong with me, I don't think. Shocker. Also discovered that I think people frighten me (disappointment, rejection, etc), but decided to share this tidbit as I was standing and getting ready to leave. I call this the "Therapy Cliffhanger."

Thursday: Extremely moody and convinced that life is retarded. Met Larry for lunch because I thought it would be good to get out of the house. This was not the case. Went to Tokyo Table, where my cramps were not interested in anything on the menu. Said about 5 words the whole time, yet he still loves me. I don't get it. Contacted a recruiter because I really think I'll go nuts if I don't find structured work soon. Set up an appointment with her for Monday. Applied to a job referred to me by my sister-in-law. Enjoyed NBC TV and forgot about myself for a couple hours.

Friday: Convinced that life is not so retarded anymore. Then, reconsidered this notion when my sister-in-law told me that the job was already given to someone else. Met Larry for lunch again, and said more than 5 words. Splurged online at Amazon.com and Snapfish (lots of pictures to order...I still like hard copies). Felt uneasy about money and the spending of it. Continued to feel uneasy about money and the spending of it. Went to see "The Ugly Truth" at the $2 theater and felt very uncomfortable during the sex parts because of the 90-year-olds gasping behind me. Ordered pizza for dinner and watched "Project Runway" on DVR (always good).

Yesterday: Finished getting everything out of Larry's apartment and closed out the lease (more money flying from the checkbook). Organized at home, which involved shoving things into cupboards and closets to maintain the illusion that we don't have much stuff. Almost broke the cat's neck, accidentally. Went to the ring store to order Larry a smaller wedding band (this is the third time we've reordered this f-er). Got a shit ton of groceries. Made calzones. Watched "30 Rock" episodes.

Today (so far): Broke a lightbulb. Dropped an egg on the floor. Got worried about my motor skills. Went for a walk and talked about how silly it is that Obama got a Nobel prize.

I have a reading event with DimeStories this afternoon/evening, celebrating the 1-year anniversary of the Orange County chapter. I'm told I'll be managing the Orange County part of the website too! Exciting!


***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's cloudy and cool here. I love, love, love fall weather.
2. My dad is coming to visit on Tuesday for some father-daughter time. He likes to bond via projects, so I think we'll work on the patio deck.
3. I have a very supportive husband who does not buy into my worrying ways.
4. Baseball playoffs on TV.
5. I have a novel-length email from one of my best friends. I love curling up with these :)

Self-esteem and self-promotion

As I think about "being a writer," I realize there is something I am not very good at that may inhibit my success. This something is what I call "shameless self-promotion."

I have a combination of traits that makes it hard for me to put myself out there. I'm a bit shy. I don't like being rejected. I'm always afraid that I'm imposing on people. I'm sort of insecure. And I feel like it's best to be overly humble and modest. When I see other writers' promotion efforts, I feel a little embarrassed. How do they have the confidence to pedal their work the way they do? Instead of knocking on doors, I usually tap lightly a few times. Often, nobody answers (probably because they don't freaking hear me) and I reinforce my mentality that I'll never get published. When someone does answer, I usually end up apologizing profusely for the interruption, then moving on my way.

Maybe this is an issue of laziness, though the reason I think I'm lazy is that I know how much I hate to make an effort only to be disappointed (which is, basically, the definition of "being a writer"). I used to be a go-getter about my writing. My grad school writing program implied that I would be successful just because I'm talented. What the real world has told me is that hard work and persistence are far, far more important in this industry than talent. When I was still naive and enthusiastic, I got my first agent. I had a few books written and I thought it would be easy to get them on the shelves at a book store. Not so. I took a year off from life to edit a book to my agent's liking. Then, she decided, seemingly out of the blue, that it wouldn't be marketable because the main character was only 17 and the subject matter was very adult. Um, ok?

That was about 6 years ago. Since then, I've been jaded. It's work for me to write. I can't say I really enjoy it like I used to. Being aware of the business side of things kills some of the pleasure. I told my therapist that I think I really just need one big success to mend my relationship with writing. The question is: Can I get over my own fears (of disappointment, etc) to find that success? I have all sorts of ideas for books and essays and articles and short stories, but I don't follow through lately. I feel "on hold" until I have some closure (good or bad) with the book my new agent is trying to sell. I find myself thinking, "Well, what's the point?"

I'm probably my own worst enemy -- a familiar concept -- in that I sabotage some opportunities because I don't want to deal with rejection. It's funny that writers are some of the most sensitive people in an industry that is notoriously insensitive. It is some comfort that writers joke about being able to wallpaper their homes with rejection letters. I know I'm not alone when I whine about writer's block and frustration and discouragement. I also know, deep down, that I will have success. I just don't put that idea out into the universe enough.

Yesterday, I read at the West Hollywood Book Fair. I get VERY nervous reading in public, but Larry said I did well. As much as I hate how hard my heart pounds and how sweaty my palms get, it's important for me to get out there. An old therapist had a phrase for this (which she related to following my meal plan): Just do well, in spite of yourself.

When do you get in your own way? How do you step aside?

***

Today's gratitude:

1. My favorite radio people (Frosty, Heidi and Frank) are back on the air! 790am (9am-12pm), KABC.com.

2. I turned in a freelance project today.

3. I'm getting used to hair being in my face. For those of you who asked, this is what they look like:

I think I should have gotten regular bangs. I don't like that I can't see out of one eye 90% of the time.

4. I feel pretty mellow.

5. Kitties!

Never better

That's how I feel, honestly -- never better. In Stumbling on Happiness, Gilbert says that our brains are equipped to rationalize our experiences as being "good," as a way of warding against depression. We say things like, "Everything happens for a reason" or "It's a blessing in disguise." We wax poetic about fate and want to believe in "meant to be" because, well, I guess it takes a little pressure off of us. Things happen and we interpret them in a way that's comforting and helps us sleep at night. Getting laid off sucked, but I'm using a phrase familiar to most humans: It's for the best.

Is it really for the best?I don't know. But, "the best" is up to interpretation, isn't it? All I know is I feel pretty great, so I'll take my rationalization, thankyouverymuch.

You wouldn't think I'd feel great, being that I don't do well with rejection (and getting laid off feels like a rejection); I don't like uncertainty (and having no job in a market offering few opportunities is very uncertain); and I worry A LOT about money (and our household income has been cut in half). But, strangely, I feel free. I was clenching for a long time and now I have no choice but to let go, throw my hands in the air and surrender, with a smile. For a long time, I had a feeling I'd get laid off. There were a couple rounds before I got let go. I think I felt like I was waiting for it to happen. And I felt guilty that business was so slow. I would have days with very little to do, and I was getting paid. This may seem pretty awesome to some people, but I felt extremely purposeless. Still, quitting seemed stupid. Who quits a job that allows her to work at home while making good money? So, that's why I say getting laid off is for the best. In a strange way, it let me off my own hook.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm not worried. At all. Larry is very supportive. I feel sheepish for how impatient I was when I was working and he wasn't. I was so frantic about it. Now, I understand partnership. I understand that there are ebbs and flows in finances (and life in general). I know I can lean on Larry and he'll embrace me, without hesitation. That's something.

So, what's on the horizon? I'm going to work on my writing. I talked to my agent yesterday and she said the publishing industry was hit hard by the economy. They just weren't buying many manuscripts. It's picking up though and she is very optimistic for my novel. That gives me some hope. I know I want to be a fiction writer. That's what I've always wanted to be, before I knew it was something "to be." It's just that I've had a very strong sense of pragmatism that told me I needed a "real job" with health insurance and a 401(k). It's difficult for me to think outside the corporate box. But, I can try it for a while and just see how it goes. I have this weird faith that everything will work out if I remain open. I'm also confident that some of this "letting go" will spill over to my anorexia. Just in the last few days, I've noticed way less mental energy around food. That's something, too.

Now, if only I could get used to these new bangs being in my face.

A question for you: In your life, has something "bad" turned out to be really good?

Today's gratitude:
1. We had a session with Dr. C, the couples therapist. He said he doesn't expect to see us for a while because we're doing so well.
2. Got my flu shot. Ouch.
3. Lunch at Mustard Deli. We don't go out to eat all that often, so this was a treat (though, seriously, I think my sauteed chicken/mushroom/onion/Swiss panini is just as good).
4. New Bose sound system. This had been in the works for a while. Old Kim would have scratched it after getting laid off, but, you know, I just don't feel that restrictive and afraid anymore. It's odd.
5. We got "28 Days Later" to watch tonight. Larry HATES scary movies; I love them. I can't wait.