You betta recognize.

An excerpt from therapy yesterday:

Me: "I don't know, it's really weird, I feel like I have all this brain space. I'm just worrying so much less."

Therapist nods.

Me: "It's not like I'm apathetic or oblivious. I recognize things. I just don't analyze them so much."

Therapist: "I like that -- recognize, not analyze."

Me (internal thought): Wow, look at me, creating a mantra on the spot with "-ze" words.

I have no idea why I'm not worrying and stressing so much and, in the spirit of my therapy discussion, I'm just going to recognize that I'm way less anxious and not analyze it so much. For me, analyzing is a death trap. Analyzing anything -- even good things -- is destructive. Thoughts that begin innocently enough (i.e. "Hm, my job has been slow") end in catastrophe when I analyze (i.e. "I'm going to be unemployed and lose all motivation and will to live and end up on the streets with a stuffed animal and a pacifier").

It really is amazing how much more brain space I have now that I'm not thinking so much. I still have days when I resort to list-making for some sense of control and order, but I'm not wound up so tight. I feel pretty trusting that things work out so I'm not as desperate for "a plan." With my empty brain space, I've started thinking more about my writing career, my true passion. I love writing fiction. I love television writing and screenplays (though the Hollywood thing annoys me because everyone and their cat seems to be writing a script). This week, I decided to work on a website to showcase my writing by day and night (meaning, my advertising copywriting which pays the bills, and my novels and short stories which sustain me otherwise). I have a few creative ideas bouncing around my newly-empty skull. And I'm helping my friend with a business idea too. I feel alive again -- inspired, creative, hopeful. It's...weird.

What else I'm recognizing:

• I'm sleeping great.
• I'm not so particular about what I eat. I have a general idea, but I'm open to life interfering with my plans.
• I'm closer to my ex than ever before. Yes, we are still going through with the divorce, but I have no idea about anything beyond that. And, yes, I am "being careful." I realize that any relationship with him is "a risk." I've never been much of a risk-taker, except for my 2 random times sky diving and my "look how much I can starve" daredevil stunt. So, I'm taking this risk.
• I really love cats.
• More than ever, I'm considering that maybe I would want a family at some point.
• I don't judge people so much, or at all.
• My job is slow and the CEO just resigned.
• If I get laid off, I'll find something else, probably better.
• I want to be in therapy...forever.
• I really like California.
• I'm terrified of commitment. This realization stuns me. I've always been so project-oriented so I thought I liked commitment. But, I realize I like the short-term commitment of projects, along with their relatively instant gratification. Long-term commitments -- relationships, big purchases, a kid -- scare me because, well, they're dependent on saying, "I have no idea what the future holds, but that's ok."

So, that's that. I haven't been blogging as much because I really don't have much to say. Things are good. Life is good.

***
Today's gratitude:

1. I'm having so much fun helping my friend with her business idea. This is the same friend who I just reconnected with recently. I'm helping her with marketing and writing a website.

2. I've got an excellent designer for my own website project.

3. My sister emailed from Panama to say she got there safely with her fiance. I don't think marriage is going to cure her travel bug. That girl likes to get out there.

4. The new kittens are happy and healthy and full of personality.

5. It'll be a nice weekend.

A word (or two) about biology

In my last post, I wrote about how restricting has often soothed me, provided me with a sense that everything is controlled and orderly. However, much like Carrie at ED Bites, I get annoyed with this public assumption that "eating disorders are all about control." Being that I throw around the word "control" pretty often, I realize I need to clarify my viewpoint on the issue.

While I think this feeling of "control" (order, certainty, predictability, safety) is part of anorexia, I don't think a "need for control" causes anorexia. I get frustrated with the idea that "eating disorders are all about control" because I think this is nonsense. I think eating disorders are mostly about biology. Yes, my anorexic rituals have helped me feel like my life is less chaotic. It's not that complicated of a concept -- focus on something small (food) because I'm afraid of something big (life). But, lots of people have "control issues" and don't have eating disorders. When I was 17, I didn't think, "Wow, I need some control in my life. I'm going to get anorexia." In actuality, I had anorexia for several months before I even knew what it was (honestly, I'd never even heard of it).

So, here's what I think:
-I am an anxious person by nature. Yes, there is some nurture in there too, but I think I was born pretty sensitive and serious and nervous.
-I was predisposed to feel "better" (aka more "in control" of my anxiety) when I restricted.

I'm fairly certain that my maternal grandmother had/has eating issues. She has an anorexic mentality, that's for sure. This strengthens my belief that there is something genetic about anorexia. I still believe in the power of nurture. Maybe if I'd learned to deal with my anxiety in a better way, I wouldn't have gone down this path. I have no idea. But, as one therapist said to me a long time ago, "With anorexia, it's often like you're just a wick waiting to be lit."

I don't see it as depressing or defeatist to think of anorexia as biological. For me, it's a relief. I've spent too much time beating myself up for not being able to just wake up and "be over it." I see now that I have to take care of myself like anyone with a disease has to. I have to be vigilant about certain things. I have to be humble. While we don't always choose the cards we're dealt, we can choose how we play our hands. I know I can be healthy and happy; I just have to be aware that this is a disease.

What do you think about the genetics of eating disorders? I find most people believe it's more nurture than nature, so I realize I might be in the minority here.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I spent almost $300 on myself while shopping on Friday. I think my mom was shocked. I'm usually in and out of a mall within 20 minutes. I hate it, usually, but I had fun.

2. My sister's wedding shower was a success. I made her a little bouquet of bows, like a good maid of honor. And I had a piece of cake after our meal. Go me.

3. My extended "family" has grown. My almost-ex-husband adopted these guys:















Their names are Pepper Potts and Dr. Spaceman. If you can figure out the references, I'll have to come up with a prize.

4. I think I'm going to see "500 Days of Summer" today. I've been excited about it for a while!

5. My eating has been GREAT. I've been going out to eat, adding snacks when I don't "need" to... I have no idea why, but I'm not going to stop and ponder it :)

My mind as time machine

In therapy yesterday, I talked about my uncanny ability to be anywhere but in the present moment. While I enjoy the occasional jaunt to the past, usually to remember an opportunity missed and wallow in regret, my favorite voyage is to the future. To the future and beyond! I like to consider all the "what ifs," all the possible catastrophes that may befall me. Interestingly, I don't spend much time considering all the good things that could come my way; after all, there is no prep work needed for enjoyment. While pondering all the "what ifs," I realize I can't really control everything. There are just so many possibilites. Somewhere along the way, I decided that counting calories and organizing my food compulsively was a good enough illusion of control. And, sometime in the last year, I realized that this illusion really isn't working for me anymore.

Here's the thing: Nobody knows what's next. There are a million different possibilities -- some good, some bad. So, I have a choice: either live in the moment, accept the uncertainty, take some "risks"; or, create a bubble for myself where everything is as safe and predictable as humanly possible (the key phrase being "as humanly possible." The very fact that I'm human means that things really can't be that safe and predictable).

Lately, there's been one phrase that keeps me in the moment: It's just life.

I know that sounds silly, but it works for me. I mean, yes, life is big and important and meaningful, but I've never had a problem conceptualizing the enormity of it. I've had a problem breaking it down into little, enjoyable bits. I've been very serious since I was a little kid -- analyzing, overanalyzing, thinking, overthinking. When I say, "It's just life," I suppose that's my way of asking, "What's the worst that could happen?" I'm pretty resilient. I'm resourceful. Instead of living in fear, what if I just said to life, "Ok, bring it on!" So much of my anorexia has been a response to fear and anxiety. Life seems too overwhelming to me at times. But, I think that's because I put so much pressure on everything. Really, it's JUST life. I can look back so far and see that even the "bad" experiences usually led to good outcomes. So, why worry so much? Right?

***
Today's gratitude:

1. I gained a few pounds :) Yes, I started weighing myself once a week. I wasn't sure if this was "healthy," but I talked to my therapist before I started doing it. She thinks it's fine. I really don't have much anxiety about my weight. I want to gain more and I feel confident in that. For me, I need to track it, otherwise I think I'm gaining when I'm not. If it gets problematic in any way, I'll know. I feel good about it.

2. My agent sent me this update about my book (which is lost somewhere in publisher land in NY):
Hi Kim--
This should make your day. It did mine. A few days ago I got an email from the first editor who read it saying he keeps thinking about your novel and requested that I resubmit it to him. He's having other people read it also. I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything. Did I make your day?

Cross your fingers for me!

3. I went to the animal shelter yesterday to help my almost-ex-husband pick out a kitten. Seeing all the animals made me sad, but I was glad we could take one. Then, he told me today that he felt bad separating the kitty he picked from her brother...so he went back for the brother today. Yay! Reunited and it feels so good...

4. I said "no" to someone I really love. My friend, J, wanted to move in with me. After some thought, I decided it would be way too crammed...and I really value my space. I felt bad saying "no" to her. Honestly, I think it did create a little weirdness between us, but I have to do what's best for me.

5. Last day of work today! I'm taking off tomorrow to SHOP with my mom! Yes, I plan on buying things for myself :) My sister's wedding shower is on Saturday! I'm getting increasingly excited for her wedding.

Grasping

Every week when I go for my massage, I see the same therapist -- Susan. I swear she never remembers me. She's asked me twice now if I'm a ballerina. I've said "no" twice. And, this past week, she says the same thing to me that she said in our first session:

"Have you had some kind of major injury? Like from a car accident?"

"No," I say, as I'd said the first time.

Now, let me just say that Susan (bless her heart) has zero sense of humor, so she is not joking when she asks this next question:

"Did you run into a tree while skiing once?"

I laugh because 1) this is the second time she's asked me this, and 2) she's really not joking.

When I say "no," after an attempted joke about Sonny Bono, she says that the stress I've experienced in my life in the past several years is basically the equivalent to running into a tree while skiing.

Wow. Um, ok.

I think of recovery. I think of relationships. I think of slamming into a tree.

I don't tell Susan much about my stress, though maybe I should because it would be freeing to just divulge everything to someone who seems to have a short-term memory problem. However, she seems to know I need to relax a bit more. She tells me about meditation. I tell her that I can't sit still very well.

"People think meditation is about having no thoughts enter your head, but that's not it," she says.

"Oh," I say, "because that's exactly what I thought it was."

"No, it's about letting thoughts in and understanding them."

That's when she talks to me about different kinds of thoughts. I pick up on two that are prominent in my life -- fantasy thoughts and worry thoughts. I tell her that I'm either hoping for things to be a certain way (fantasy) or I'm preparing for the things to be completely catastrophic (worry). She says that fantasizing is a way of "grasping," trying to make reality fit a certain mold, trying to control it. I snicker a little bit at the fact that she's calling me a control freak. How dare she! Ha. The massage ends and I go on my way. She shows me the door out every time, as if I don't remember where it is.

On the way home, I think about how worrying is a way of grasping too. It's the same desire to control, except it's flashing forward and constantly assessing and analyzing. So, with all the fantasizing and worrying I do, I'd say I'm quite the grasper (aka control freak). Shocker.

When I think about restricting, that feels like a form of grasping too. It feels like I'm trying to force everything into a particular order. I want every day to be the same, in terms of appetite and meals. I want everything to be quantifiable. I want everything to be predictable and planned.

I've been trying to accept my thoughts as they come into my head, and spot the fantasies and the worries. Like she said, it's not about calling those thoughts "bad," but acknowledging them for what they are as a way to really be in reality. My eating seems to be getting more and more "in the moment" as I've been thinking this way. I haven't been planning dinner based on what I had for lunch, for example. I haven't been counting. It's been rather liberating.

***

Today's gratitude:

1. Guess where I went on Saturday?

Yes, SeaWorld! It was hot and my sunscreen did not seem to want to do its job, but it was very fun.

2. I went to a "True Blood" viewing party last night and found myself snacking on fried (!) eggrolls and some rice dishes...before dinner.

3. I have a 4-day work week because I'm taking off Friday to shop with my mom and get ready for my sister's wedding shower on Saturday :)

4. My electricity bill has gone from $200 to $25 since my husband moved out (I'm telling you, the boy had lots of computer equipment).

5. It looks like I'll get a pretty big project at work. Big project = job security!

Are you a maximizer?

I just finished reading a book called Decoding Love. Considering that I’m in the process of getting a divorce, I figured it could not hurt to do a little decoding. Much of the book is about man’s quest to spread his seed, and woman’s quest to find a suitor for her precious eggs. I balk at some of this because, despite the fact that we are close relatives of chimps, I think we are way more complicated because we have, you know, emotions. Not to mention cultural and societal values ingrained in us that make certain things “wrong” and certain things “right.” Anyway, if you have any interest in how men and women come together, read this book. Here is a part that really intrigued me:

“The very reversibility of our romantic commitments has only worsened our problem because that also undermines our satisfaction with our choices…I’m not arguing that people should stay in unhappy marriages, but I am saying that the ease with which we can leave a marriage is contributing to our unhappiness. It’s no surprise that the rise of divorce has occurred at the same time that marriage has gradually been stripped of all its practical roles until a choice of life partner has been reduced to one single criteria: personal fulfillment. This is the same criteria that dominates our consumer choices, so we tend to treat it like a consumer choice as well and endlessly scan the horizon wondering if someone better is going to come along.

In Schwartz’s terms, we need to learn to be 'satisficers,' rather than 'maximizers.' What does that mean? Maximizers are the tireless shoppers of the consumer world. They search out every option, try every product, and work very hard to get the best there is. Satisficers search only until they find something good enough, and then they stop looking. Living in a consumer society has a strong tendency to make us into maximizers. And while maximizers may find a better deal, studies show that they are less happy, less optimistic, and more depressed. In looking for love, the time has come for us to learn to be satisficers, not maximizers. That does not necessarily mean settling, but it does mean giving up on the idea of ‘the one.’ When you find someone you think will make you happy, you stop looking, even though there might be someone better out there.”

I actually read this aloud to my therapist in our last session, framing it as an epiphany I’d had. I looked at her and said, “I’m a maximizer.” Perhaps this is related to my perfectionism, as I have a very hard time being happy with what I have. I am always, always, always thinking of other, better possibilities. And, as the author says, this leads to disappointment and depression because I’m never truly satisfied with what I have.

Now, I didn’t think this had much to do with my eating disorder, but my therapist disagreed. She said:

“You know, most people with anorexia are maximizers. They are on a quest for the ultimate. It’s not just a body thing, it’s a life thing.”

I guess this is true. We are extremists. We are ever-seekers. When we see the number on the scale, we want it to go lower! We are classic overachievers. I’ve always felt that some level of achievement would make me “happy.” I’ve quested in search of that achievement. Straight A’s gave me some brief joy, mostly because of the accompanying praise. But, that wasn’t “it.” A good job, a home, thinness – none of that was “it.” And I keep coming back to this: Maybe there is no “it.” One achievement will only increase my appetite for another, like an addict "chasing the dragon." Would it be so bad if my life was – gasp – mundane? No pressure, no obligations… just a life. A calm life. No maximizing, just satisfaction. Is that so bad? The maximizer/anorexic in me says, “Yes, that is so bad! What’s the point if you’re just dull and boring and average?” But, there’s this other voice (me?) that says, “Oh, that sounds relieving.”

What’s tricky is that my “maximizing” has made me very “successful” as a human being. But, it hasn’t made me happy. I know that for sure. I’m a woman with job skills, a home, healthy bank accounts… I’m “maximized.” But, I feel the weight of my own expectations of myself. Life becomes all too serious because making a mistake or “slacking off” seems completely unallowable. In that way, maximizing is masochistic. And it’s especially masochistic with relationships because everyone has flaws, and “perfection” is unattainable (unless you can learn that imperfections are perfect – a hard lesson for me).

So, there’s some food for thought.

***
Today's gratitude:

1. I'm on a company meeting conference call as I type this (on mute...I love mute), and the report is that the company is healthy in terms of profits for the year, so that's good news.

2. My lunch with my friend yesterday went very well. I think both of us felt more grown up and mature. We were able to talk about how we grew apart, and I feel confident that we'll stay in touch.

3. Massage and dinner with a friend tonight!

4. My appetite has been great lately, along with my sleeping. Whenever I check in with myself about my mental health, those two things are first on my list.

5. I may have a weekend excursion with a male companion (an MC). We shall see...

I'm a woman!

If you don't want to hear about my menstrual cycle, please stop reading.

So, I started on The Pill in 2003. And I just went off of it last month, after my husband and I split. That's 6 years of pumping my body with false hormones. In those 6 years, I wondered about my natural hormones. Were they ok? Would my body have a period if I went off the pill? Would I be fertile? Had I damaged my body so much with my anorexia that I wouldn't be a "woman" again? Have I mentioned that I have a tendency to start asking myself questions until I begin to break out in a cold sweat?

What's funny about me is that I always say I don't want kids, but I have a feeling that part of my reason for saying that is because I'm not sure I could have them. So, to spare myself the disappointment and self-beating, I just say I don't want them. Granted, I have concerns that aren't related to my body's capabilities: I wonder if I'm too selfish, I wonder about all the things that could go wrong. But, mostly, I think I've just been worried that I ruined my opportunity to conceive. Afterall, I'm a little fuzzy on how the body recovers from anorexia, long-term. I was without a period for years. Years! (Does anyone know how this affects fertility?)

Anyway... a month passed with me not being on the pill. No period. But, this morning, a little over a week late, there it was. When I first got my period as a teenager (I got it late, around age 15 or 16), it was such a trauma. I felt gross. I felt embarrassed. I felt like I was wearing a sign that said, "Hey, hey, I'm an f-ing woman now. Just so ya know." But, now, it's different. I want to be a woman. One of the main reasons I eat well now is because I want to LOOK like a woman. I want to be filled out. I want fat on my body. I want hips, whether they are childbearing or not. I don't want to be carded at Rated R movies (yes, this just happened to me).

I know I still have weight to gain, but I'm just so relieved that my body is working. And I'm so relieved to not be on the pill anymore! I'm convinced it made me "not myself" in ways that are hard to explain (like I was moody, but also a zombie without feelings). I feel much calmer, much more comfortable in my body now. Has anyone else had this experience?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. I had great friend time last night -- talking to the point of dry mouth, "Entourage" on DVR, white wine.
2. I have lunch with my long, lost friend today. I'm a bit nervous, but I think it'll be just fine.
3. I'm hanging out with another friend tomorrow night. We're going to get massages together at the place I go to, then have dinner.
4. I'm not really worried about anything. At all.
5. No, really, I have no worries right now. Isn't that weird?

This is me blushing.

One of my favorite bloggers, Sophia, (she's inspiring, she's smart, she's funny, she enjoys burping -- what's not to love?) bestowed this wonderful award upon me:

What does this award mean? This is what I'm told:

• The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervade amongst different cultures and beliefs

• Their Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage, and offers solutions

• There is a clear purpose at the Blog: one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Cultures, Sciences, and Beliefs

• The Blog is refreshing and creative; and The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking

I'm still not great at accepting compliments, and an award is a big compliment. So, first of all, THANK YOU!! If you read her blog (http://burpandslurp.wordpress.com/), you know she has a ton of readers, so I'm very honored that I've stood out in some way. Second of all, being a dedicated rule-follower, I am excited by the requirements that come with this award, which are:

• Create a post with a mention and link to the person who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award = Done :)

• The Award Conditions must be displayed at the Post = Done :)

• Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved – preferably citing one or more older posts as support

• The Blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award in concurrence with the Award conditions- Blogger must display the Award at any location at their Blog

I haven't really stopped to think much about what my blog has achieved, which, for me, is probably a good thing. I've enjoyed blogging, without any sense of obligation or attachment to its success. I've hoped that people would relate to me, but I haven't counted on that. The biggest achievement for me is staying honest and accountable in my recovery and, by being honest and accountable, learning that I'm not alone.

With this blog, I've come to terms with many "eating disorder issues." I ate 3,000 calories for 30 days as an experiment. I started this blog with food logs, but got bored with that, which I think is good. At this point, I've stopped even counting for the most part. I go out to eat at restaurants now, like it ain't no thang. I don't eat any "diet" or "light" foods, and when I eat more fatty foods, I think about how it's making my hair shiny (Hey, I never said recovery made me less vain). I feel better in my body. I'm aware that I still need to gain weight, but I'm not beating myself up about it. I learned at some point that beating myself up for not being far enough along in recovery has the same effect as beating myself up for not being far enough along in anorexia (that effect being starving-as-punishment). I do very light exercise now, and I do it because I enjoy it. I can skip a day or two. I'd say I'm at peace with myself right now. I recognize there is more progress to be made, but I'm happy.

More importantly (to me, at least), are the issues that don't seem to be related to eating, but are. This blog has helped me with those. I'm a firm believer in anorexia's ability to permeate all aspects of life. I've restricted with money (meaning I've gone months without buying something just for me). I've restricted with friendships and love relationships. I know that my thoughts about food (controlling it, measuring it, planning it) have affected the way I live my life. And I think that's where most of my work is to be done -- in my life. Food is very symbolic for me, and I've seen that in my blog entries. Writing about the failure of my marriage, for example, has felt very similar to writing about the "letting go" I do when I eat something scary. It's all the same to me.

So, those are my deep thoughts on a Sunday morning. Thank you, again, Sophia!

I would like to pass this award on to:

Sarah at Bearing, Eating, Being

Carrie at ED Bites

Kristina at Borderland Diaries

There are so many blogs I read and love. These three really inspire me to not only eat better, but live better. They're funny, insightful, and real. When I started blogging, I never thought I'd find this community, but I have, and it's amazing. Thank you, all!

***

Today's gratitude:

1. Blogging.

2. "The Hangover." This movie is freaking hilarious.

3. I'm going shopping today -- for me!

4. I have an Open Mic tonight.

5. I may be attending a "True Blood" viewing party. Yes, I'm a nerd.

Vulnerability

I have to confess something -- I am a hopeful (not hopeless) romantic. I see the best in people. I believe in second (and third and fourth) chances. I think people are generally good, and that life is generally good. This comes as a shock to many people who know me because the armor I wear is one of cynicism and sarcasm (my mom calls it "snarkiness"). I was telling a friend yesterday that I think most people who are optimists wear the armor of a pessimist to protect themselves. If they were to take off the armor, and walk and talk like optimists, they would open themselves up more to the possibility of disappointment and pain. I think anorexia has been part of my armor. It's definitely made me feel less. I told my therapist recently that one of the biggest "benefits" of my anorexia is that it numbs me out so I don't have to deal with my optimism. I don't have to believe in anything. I don't have to get my hopes up (and risk being let down). I don't have to be vulnerable to anyone or anything. I'm just cold and distant and detached. I'm apathetic and I don't really care about anything. With anorexia, everything is safe and pragmatic and rule-based. But, you know, I miss out on a lot that way.

Why am I talking about this?

Well, I had a falling out with a friend a couple years ago. We'd been friends since we were 14, so we're talking 15 years at this point. She's one of those friends who knows all of me -- the good and bad. When I had food poisoning, she left work early and literally carried me to her car to go to urgent care. When we were both bored one year for New Year's Eve, we made a random trip to Portland to see Pink Martini. She's seen me in my retainers. I've seen her cry. We've helped each other move. We've helped each other through break ups. We've drank lots of wine. To be honest, the details of our falling out are fuzzy to me now. In retrospect, it seems silly -- some kind of conflict about how much time we were spending together, dislike of each other's boyfriends, etc. In the past year, I've contemplated reaching out to her multiple times, but I haven't. A few days ago, I thought, "Life is short, and not to be taken so seriously," so I emailed her. She's working in Washington state, but will be home to California for vacation next week. We're going to meet for lunch. She said she's tentative; I said I am too. I'm downright nervous, to be honest. There's something safe about restricting that relationship, not putting myself out there to be hurt again. But, hey, it's just lunch, and I'm trying to flirt more with risks like these.

It's been a risk to be in touch with my husband. Obviously, we still care for each other. I really don't believe in men and women being "friends" (do you?), so when we talk (almost daily), I know it's for other reasons. I know it's because we really want to figure out what went so, so wrong, and we really want to figure out if there is no hope for us (regardless of legal status). It'd be easier, emotionally, to just not risk re-disappointment, but I still keep talking to him. Am I stupid? Or just optimistic? Are they one and the same?

What is your armor? How do you find a balance between being vulnerable enough to enjoy life, but still protecting yourself?

***
Today's gratitude:

1. My crazy sister. She just sent me a text saying, "Hey, let's go to Turkey, leaving tomorrow." I'm pretty sure she's joking -- pretty sure. But, what if she wasn't? Hmm...

2. I'm going to The Counter tonight with a couple friends. I am SO looking forward to their veggie burger, and maybe some sweet potato fries...and maybe some gelato from the place next door.

3. I have my massage today!

4. I'm reading this great book about divorce, which has actually shed a lot of light on marriage for me. It's called "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford (thanks to L).

5. I have no weekend plans yet, and this does not make me nervous, for once. I think I may be able to actually relax...unless I'm going to Turkey.

Thoughts, feelings, behaviors

I've been DVR-ing this show, "Obsessed," on A&E. Have you seen it? I hadn't even heard of it, but Tiptoe turned me on to it. It's quite fascinating really. It follows people with OCD and their attempts to get help and better their lives. I've always felt a very strong link between OCD and anorexia. Plus, I do weird things like check the time on my alarm clock more times than necessary (meaning more than once). Anyway, the show drives home this point, which I think is relevant to anyone with OCD or an eating disorder:

You can't control your thoughts and feelings, but you can control your behaviors; and in controlling your behaviors, your thoughts and feelings start to change.

I think I've come to believe this, intuitively, in the past couple years, and it's been a welcome relief. Before that, I really thought that I was f*#!d because I couldn't see my thoughts changing. Once I accepted that maybe they wouldn't change, but I could behave differently anyway, I started behaving differently and, lo and behold, I don't think the same way as much. Funny how that happens...

What's your experience with changing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors? What comes first?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. My cat doing yoga with me. Every time I get on the yoga mat, she tries to sit on me. This is new.
2. "Mind Wide Open" by Steven Johnson. A friend loaned this to me. It's about neuroscience, in layman's terms. I love it.
3. Time. It heals all, right?
4. Sneaking more peanut butter into my oatmeal. I know I'm doing well when I try to "trick" my eating disorder, instead of it tricking me.
5. Contact with my ex's family. It's felt weird to not talk to them (for closure, or new understanding, or whatever). We've exchanged emails and that feels right.

Some words on attachment

I have issues with attachment. That's one more way I fit the damn psychological mold for anorexia. After all, there have been a number of studies done about the relationship between attachment theory and development of eating disorders, namely that insecure attachment increases body image problems and risk of anorexia and bulimia. What comes to mind is little me clinging to my mom's leg on the first day of kindergarten, crying. I felt like her leaving me would be equivalent to my life ending. About thirteen years later, I felt the exact same way when I arrived at the University of Notre Dame, far from everything I knew in California. It was there in South Bend, Indiana when I began to think it was perfectly normal to remove the bread from my sandwiches and eat a plain baked potato for dinner. I passed out and ended up in a hospital where the doctor said, "You've been on a starvation diet." In true perfectionist fashion, I refused to come home until I finished my finals and got straight A's. I did come home, though. And I never returned to Indiana.

With lots of therapy, I think I've learned quite a bit about my "attachment issues." I've gained some confidence by going out into the world, one step at a time, and realizing that I'm okay on my own. Getting various apartments and jobs, going to the grocery store, dealing with flat tires -- all of these things have helped me develop some security. And, over time, as I've felt more secure, I've let go of some anorexic behaviors.

But, I still have issues with attachment. No longer am I clinging to my mom's leg, but I really, really, really don't like change. I'm very attached to sameness. It's no wonder that my mind (and body) find such odd comfort in counting calories, planning meals, keeping things predictable and controlled. I don't like chaos. And, during the worst of things, my definition of chaos was not natural disasters, but a spontaneous ice cream cone. I've changed my definition over the years. Now, chaos would be getting divorced, or finding a new job, or moving...you know, fairly big events. But, still, I have moments when a simple change of plans feels like chaos. I just don't like change.

In the past several weeks, I've become a little more accepting of change, mostly because I've had to. The choice has been very simple -- either embrace the uncertainty, or fall back into anorexia completely. I really don't want to fall back into anorexia. That's the truth. But, I would be lying if I said that embracing the uncertainty was at all comfortable. It just seems to be the lesser of two evils.

This past week, my therapist and I were talking about living day-to-day, letting go of worries about what's next, feeling less need to plan and prepare and always be on alert. I guess this is what people call "going with the flow." I've never been one to like "the flow." I have been even more unlikely to "go with it." I'd rather create my own river, then swim upstream, like a salmon, thank you. But, there is something nice about relaxing. Did I just say that? I've never been good at relaxing. Ever. Even when I'm happy or excited, I'm still thinking about what's next (and thinking quickly becomes worrying, and worrying encourages the eating rituals and that illusion of all my ducks being in a row). For example, if I have a good date with a guy, my usual thought is, "When will I see him again? What will we do? When? When?!"

About all this, my therapist said something interesting: "You get attached to the outcome."

Why, yes! Like I said, I have issues with attachment. When I dare to leave the comfort of my bubble, when I welcome in the notion of change, I become immediately attached to the outcome of that change. It's all I can do to manage the anxiety that comes with anything being...different. Good different (i.e. date with a guy) or bad different (i.e. loss of job) -- it's all the same to my psyche.

Lately, I don't feel attached to any outcome. It's weird. I feel untethered to anything, in a good way. I can say, calmly, that I have no idea what will become of my life; and I can add, confidently, that I'm sure whatever happens will be positive. With relationships, recovery, career, I just don't know. And I kind of feel okay with that (for now). Letting go of that "attachment to outcome" is the only way I can explain why I've been socializing so much, and why I've found myself eating out so much, without counting. Last night, I went to my friend's house and made her my famous calzones. After, as we enjoyed our fullness, she said, "You want some ice cream?" I found myself saying, "Yes." Then I found myself too lazy to get up from watching our movie, so she filled my bowl. This is totally strange for me! I can't even say if this will last because I really don't know, but it's nice for now.

I hope you all had a great 4th of July! My friend and I got lucky with a hillside view of her local Church's fireworks show, and some random people did their own illegal fireworks show about 100 feet from us. I couldn't help but think about independence as I watched. That's the counter to attachment -- freedom.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. My massage last Thursday. It was so intense and amazing that I signed up for a membership. I'm going to go weekly as long as my income allows.
2. Friends! I had Art Walk with a friend on Thursday night, random margaritas with a random friend on Friday afternoon, catch up time with another friend yesterday, then 4th of July at another friend's house last night.
3. My sister turns 28 today! For a couple months (until I turn 30 - yikes - in October), I'm 29 and she's 28 and I trip out over how she's not really my "baby sister."
4. I'm hanging out with family today. I visited my sister and her fiance to see their new house, with the new furniture. I'll be having dinner with my parents tonight.
5. I'm sleeping a bit better. I'm not a great sleeper (and haven't been since 2003-ish), but it's not bothering me so much anymore. I don't roll around, cursing the world, as much these days. I just roll around.

Boys!

I have an “adventure in wanting” for you: Men. I like them. A lot. That’s about as PG as I can express that. My mother is cringing right now (Sorry, Mom!). But, hey, let’s be honest. A big part of recovery is having an interest in the opposite sex again. And while a great deal of time is spent in the blog world talking about what anorexia steals from us – bone mass, fertility, will to live – there isn’t much said about hormones. And, in my opinion, hormones are a huge part of feeling “normal” again.

The worst of my anorexia was between the ages of 18 and 21. Oh, the college years! That’s when you get wasted and wish your virginity a fond farewell. Well, unless you have anorexia. With anorexia, you don’t drink (because, hello, do you know how many calories there are in booze?) and you are completely asexual (though you have thought about the fact that Cosmo says sex burns calories). I didn’t date one person during those years. I had “crushes” and flirtations, but they felt very juvenile, which makes sense considering my body was functioning like a 12-year-old’s. I didn’t crave anything. I didn’t feel “in” my body at all. Getting close to someone (emotionally, physically, whatever) was completely against anorexia’s rules. Anorexia and I were in an exclusive relationship.

After treatment, that changed. I got a job at a movie theater just to stay busy in the real world again, but what ended up happening is that I got busy with a coworker in the projection booth. I had flashbacks to being 16 (when everything was in working order) and I remembered, “Oh, yes, boys! I like them! I may like them more than anorexia!”

I’ve had slips and slides over the last several years and, without fail, during times of relapse (however mild or severe), I’m not interested in my body or sharing it with anyone but the scale. That’s sad because, like I said, I like men. A huge motivation for me to stay in recovery is so that I can really enjoy a relationship, and be fully present in it. Hormones are good. Having a little more flesh is good. Feeling filled-out and desirable is good.

Does anyone else have any thoughts about hormones/body/relationships/ sex/love? Why don’t people talk about this more in the context of recovery? I think someone with anorexia saying, “I got the warm fuzzies about someone” is just as indicative of progress as saying, “I ate some chips without looking at the nutrition facts.” Anyone agree?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. My husband signed the first round of divorce papers and, simultaneously, we've managed to stay good friends.
2. I have therapy today.
3. I have the new season of "Entourage" from Netflix (all 3 discs).
4. I get my massage tomorrow, then go to Art Walk in Laguna Beach with my GREAT friend for free wine and, oh yeah, art.
5. My friend invited me up to her house for the 4th, so I'm excited about that :)