I've stopped watching the news completely. At first, it was just a side effect of the fact that my second bedroom is no longer my husband's office, so instead of doing yoga in the living room with the TV, I do yoga in there, in front of the mirrors, where I can see my body do its thing. Lately, mirrors have been a good thing for me. I don't obsess; I just observe. I can see I still need to gain weight and I can imagine being happy gaining that weight. It's...weird.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. My point was to say that I haven't been watching the news, which means that I haven't been getting weather reports. It's been gray and gloomy here in Southern California, which isn't that unusual for June. Today, however, it was bright and sunny and HOT. I wasn't expecting that, so it was a nice surprise. I got my Psychology Today in the mail and I took my pale self to my deck to read.
That's when I came across this question: What would happen if you met another you?
It was in an article about this movie, Moon, in which an astronaut named Sam spends three years in lunar isolation before encountering a duplicate Sam. The director says the question he begs to ask is, "If you met yourself, would you like yourself?"
My first response, without really thinking, was "Yes." But, I'll get back to that epiphany in a second.
What I found interesting is that, in doing his film, the director talked to many people who "seem to think they wouldn't enjoy being in their own company." His guess is that "they're assuming that they're more difficult to be with than they actually are." I find this sad, but also a little comforting. Sad because no relationship is more important than your own relationship with yourself; but comforting because I've spent years thinking I was the only one with insecurities and self-consciousness, when obviously that's not the case.
I've always thought of myself as shy and kind of socially awkward. But, sometime recently, I stepped out of my own way and realized that I do, in fact, have a lot of wonderful things about me. I'm smart and sensitive and funny. I would be my friend. Yes, I dare to say that I would be enamored if I met a duplicate version of myself. I don't think I would have said that a couple years ago.
Since my husband and I split up, I've been surprised by my desire to "get out there." I explained it to my therapist like this: When we were together, it was like we were in a little bubble. He hated going out and doing anything, and I was totally depressed by the idea of going out by myself (because that would just reiterate, "Hey, you're with someone, but you're not really with him," which I didn't want to hear for a very long time). So, we existed in the bubble, until it popped. Now, with the settling of the sadness, I feel free. I'm excited to see people -- not nervous or anxious, but excited. And part of that excitement has involved de-prioritizing food. Trust me, I still think about it, but seeing a friend has become more important than what we're eating. I hung out with a writer friend this past week, had lunch with an old co-worker, saw "Monsters vs. Aliens" and ate frozen yogurt with a good friend -- that's more socializing than I've done in months. And tonight I may make an appearance at my friend's "House Cooling" party (they sold their house and are moving back to Chicago). I'm not sure if I'll go because I have brunch early tomorrow morning with another friend. What? Who the heck is this person? I don't know, but I like her.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Groceries, gas, bank = Done.
2. My DVR. I've taken to watching saved episodes of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" on Saturdays.
3. Facebook. I deactivated my account for a while since I didn't want everyone to know my business, but I'm back, which tells me that I'm perfectly ok with my business.
4. KITTIES! I know now why my husband didn't like them inside. It does smell like cat lady. But, I don't care.
5. Avocados. My mom gave me a couple last time I saw her. I can't get enough of 'em lately.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
What's not in my head
There are a lot of things in my head lately. For a day or two there, I entertained the idea of "working on things" with my husband. Thankfully (seriously, it's a blessing), he concluded, "I can't be who you need me to be." And that's that. Back to moving on. I'm thinking about how I'll move on, if I remember how to "date," if I'll want to date any time in the next 10 years. I'm thinking about my family, and how grateful I am to have them. I'm thinking about my friends, and how they are there for me, even though I've been in a bubble with my husband, away from them, for a while now. I'm thinking about summer and getting a tan. I'm thinking about dogs. I'm thinking about this new Wally Lamb book I'm reading (and the wonderful friend who gave it to me).
Here's what's not in my head:
Numbers.
My anorexia has always involved lots of counting. Calories, fat grams, saturated fat grams, bites, slices -- you name it, I've counted it. It's always felt very OCD to me. And it definitely gets worse if I'm anxious. Strangely, through everything recently, I've stopped counting almost completely. I didn't even realize it until yesterday. What's happened is that I've surrendered to meals out with friends or family members. Usually when I go out to eat, I forget about counting because I just don't know the amounts. I can guess, but the perfectionist in me doesn't like "guessing." In typical black-or-white fashion, I just don't worry about it at all, which is weird. Anyway, it's almost like for the first time in years, my food just is not that important to me. I'm sad that something so difficult and trying had to kick my food priorities to the curb, but I'm thankful it's possible. I wasn't sure that part of my brain would ever really change.
So, even though changing my husband may not be possible, I'm convinced that changing my brain is. My therapist agrees :)
***
Today's gratitude:
1. My mom. She continues to support me. Last night, she spent the night at my place. At 2am, as I was frustrated with my sleeplessness and in a panic about, well, everything, she rubbed my back and let me cry.
2. My friends. Really, I am so touched. People really love and care about me.
3. I'm meeting up with a writer friend tomorrow. We are thinking of going to see a comedy show after we talk about our novels-in-progress. We're "playing it by ear." Look at me with the spontaneity. Ha.
4. Work is busier. I need to be busy right now, so this is good. Plus, it was so slow that I thought I'd get laid off, which I really don't need right now.
5. I'm going to make a point of getting a massage once a week. I've decided.
Here's what's not in my head:
Numbers.
My anorexia has always involved lots of counting. Calories, fat grams, saturated fat grams, bites, slices -- you name it, I've counted it. It's always felt very OCD to me. And it definitely gets worse if I'm anxious. Strangely, through everything recently, I've stopped counting almost completely. I didn't even realize it until yesterday. What's happened is that I've surrendered to meals out with friends or family members. Usually when I go out to eat, I forget about counting because I just don't know the amounts. I can guess, but the perfectionist in me doesn't like "guessing." In typical black-or-white fashion, I just don't worry about it at all, which is weird. Anyway, it's almost like for the first time in years, my food just is not that important to me. I'm sad that something so difficult and trying had to kick my food priorities to the curb, but I'm thankful it's possible. I wasn't sure that part of my brain would ever really change.
So, even though changing my husband may not be possible, I'm convinced that changing my brain is. My therapist agrees :)
***
Today's gratitude:
1. My mom. She continues to support me. Last night, she spent the night at my place. At 2am, as I was frustrated with my sleeplessness and in a panic about, well, everything, she rubbed my back and let me cry.
2. My friends. Really, I am so touched. People really love and care about me.
3. I'm meeting up with a writer friend tomorrow. We are thinking of going to see a comedy show after we talk about our novels-in-progress. We're "playing it by ear." Look at me with the spontaneity. Ha.
4. Work is busier. I need to be busy right now, so this is good. Plus, it was so slow that I thought I'd get laid off, which I really don't need right now.
5. I'm going to make a point of getting a massage once a week. I've decided.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Things I've learned recently
These past few weeks have been really, really hard. Really. But, I’m starting to see how I’ll grow from all this. When they say we’re supposed to learn from mistakes, I usually roll my eyes. I’d rather learn otherwise, thankyouverymuch. But, you know, mistakes are kind of necessary. I’ve feared them forever, tried so hard to be "perfect." Now I see that I kind of missed out.
Here are some things I’ve already learned:
I have to listen to myself. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten married. To be perfectly frank, I never wanted to get married, to anyone. I wanted a life partner, but I didn’t envision being “married.” I’m still trying to figure out why I made that trip down the aisle (or through the line at the county clerk’s office, in my case). I guess I thought I “should.” It seemed like the right thing to do. Never before (not even during the worst of my anorexia) have I experienced such major repercussions from not listening to my instincts. Anorexia is all about negating instincts. Hungry? Nope, not me. Or, if I can’t deny that I am, I’ll tell my gut what it wants; it won’t tell me. But, in this experience, I’ve learned that I have to trust my gut. I have to go with my intuition. By not doing so, I’ve caused myself pain. I’ve caused my husband pain. The thing is that in reading old journal entries, it's very obvious that I know myself pretty damn well. I’ll be fine if I just listen.
It doesn’t matter what people think. It just doesn’t. For the first time in my life, I really don’t give two shits what anyone thinks about my decisions or how I live my life. My husband said, “But, forever, we’ll be those people who divorced after a few months of marriage.” I said, “Yeah, so?” Who cares?
I have to be patient. I want all this to be better soon. Now would be nice. But, it won’t. As a sort of blessing, the actual divorce takes at least six months. I have no choice but to chill out and wait. I won’t forgive myself overnight. I won’t forgive my husband overnight. He won’t forgive me overnight. We won’t be friends again overnight. My life won’t feel really “normal” for a while. Damage has been done. Healing takes time.
Not everything makes sense. And sometimes, nothing does. Meals, relationships, whatever… I’ve always wanted them to make “sense.” But, sometimes they’re scattered and weird. Sometimes cereal sounds good for dinner, and sometimes you and your husband agree that you never should have gotten married.
There are different ways to live a life. Married or single. Happy or sad. There are choices. There is no right or wrong, just choices.
I don’t have to have the answers to everything right now. In fact, I don’t have to have the answers ever. I feel kind of like I’m finally embracing the chaos that is life. I’ve resisted it forever (hence, the perfectly organized food plans). Whereas before I wanted every experience to be packaged nicely and neatly, with a cute little bow, I now realize that it’s not that simple and pretty. Sometimes things come busting out the seams, and that’s ok.
Things work out as they’re meant to work out. I guess this is called faith. I’m not a religious person, but I’m spiritual. I keep waking up in the morning and mumbling, “thank you.” Maybe that sounds weird, but see lesson #2: I don’t care :)
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Friends. I've always lamented that I don't have a solid group of girlfriends, a la "Sex in the City." But, that's a TV show. Hello! I have a friend from elementary school (actually 2 friends from elementary school, but they aren't in touch with each other), a friend I met because she was dating my then-boyfriend's best friend, a friend I met in treatment, a friend I met in grad school, a friend I met through this blog, a few friends I met in high school (but, again, they're not in touch with each other), a friend who is also my sister, a friend who is also my mom. They all love me, even if we don't all get together for martinis and talk about life. Each relationship offers something a little different and they're all valuable to me.
2. "True Blood." This series entertains me at night, although I keep having nightmares involving vampires.
3. Speaking of sleeping, I didn't take my anti-anxiety pill last night for the first time in a while. I think I'm starting to calm down.
4. Pizza-for-one. I made one last night. 'Twas good.
5. My husband and I are speaking, in a friendly manner. He's asking me where to find things in Trader Joe's so he can cook all the meals I used to cook. I don't know why this amuses me so much. It's bittersweet to see that we're kind of getting ourselves together, separately. I'm happy though.
Here are some things I’ve already learned:
I have to listen to myself. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten married. To be perfectly frank, I never wanted to get married, to anyone. I wanted a life partner, but I didn’t envision being “married.” I’m still trying to figure out why I made that trip down the aisle (or through the line at the county clerk’s office, in my case). I guess I thought I “should.” It seemed like the right thing to do. Never before (not even during the worst of my anorexia) have I experienced such major repercussions from not listening to my instincts. Anorexia is all about negating instincts. Hungry? Nope, not me. Or, if I can’t deny that I am, I’ll tell my gut what it wants; it won’t tell me. But, in this experience, I’ve learned that I have to trust my gut. I have to go with my intuition. By not doing so, I’ve caused myself pain. I’ve caused my husband pain. The thing is that in reading old journal entries, it's very obvious that I know myself pretty damn well. I’ll be fine if I just listen.
It doesn’t matter what people think. It just doesn’t. For the first time in my life, I really don’t give two shits what anyone thinks about my decisions or how I live my life. My husband said, “But, forever, we’ll be those people who divorced after a few months of marriage.” I said, “Yeah, so?” Who cares?
I have to be patient. I want all this to be better soon. Now would be nice. But, it won’t. As a sort of blessing, the actual divorce takes at least six months. I have no choice but to chill out and wait. I won’t forgive myself overnight. I won’t forgive my husband overnight. He won’t forgive me overnight. We won’t be friends again overnight. My life won’t feel really “normal” for a while. Damage has been done. Healing takes time.
Not everything makes sense. And sometimes, nothing does. Meals, relationships, whatever… I’ve always wanted them to make “sense.” But, sometimes they’re scattered and weird. Sometimes cereal sounds good for dinner, and sometimes you and your husband agree that you never should have gotten married.
There are different ways to live a life. Married or single. Happy or sad. There are choices. There is no right or wrong, just choices.
I don’t have to have the answers to everything right now. In fact, I don’t have to have the answers ever. I feel kind of like I’m finally embracing the chaos that is life. I’ve resisted it forever (hence, the perfectly organized food plans). Whereas before I wanted every experience to be packaged nicely and neatly, with a cute little bow, I now realize that it’s not that simple and pretty. Sometimes things come busting out the seams, and that’s ok.
Things work out as they’re meant to work out. I guess this is called faith. I’m not a religious person, but I’m spiritual. I keep waking up in the morning and mumbling, “thank you.” Maybe that sounds weird, but see lesson #2: I don’t care :)
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Friends. I've always lamented that I don't have a solid group of girlfriends, a la "Sex in the City." But, that's a TV show. Hello! I have a friend from elementary school (actually 2 friends from elementary school, but they aren't in touch with each other), a friend I met because she was dating my then-boyfriend's best friend, a friend I met in treatment, a friend I met in grad school, a friend I met through this blog, a few friends I met in high school (but, again, they're not in touch with each other), a friend who is also my sister, a friend who is also my mom. They all love me, even if we don't all get together for martinis and talk about life. Each relationship offers something a little different and they're all valuable to me.
2. "True Blood." This series entertains me at night, although I keep having nightmares involving vampires.
3. Speaking of sleeping, I didn't take my anti-anxiety pill last night for the first time in a while. I think I'm starting to calm down.
4. Pizza-for-one. I made one last night. 'Twas good.
5. My husband and I are speaking, in a friendly manner. He's asking me where to find things in Trader Joe's so he can cook all the meals I used to cook. I don't know why this amuses me so much. It's bittersweet to see that we're kind of getting ourselves together, separately. I'm happy though.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Hopes, dreams, and other things
Every now and then it helps me to sit and make a list (I love me a good list!) entitled, "What excites me about life." I suppose this list could also be titled, "Why I should not go back to anorexia," but I prefer to have the word "excite" in there somewhere. So, today, here are my thoughts:
-Sharing life with my family -- birthdays, holidays, no-reason-days
-Road trips up the coast
-Purring cats
-Farmer's markets and bags of produce
-New recipes
-New restaurants
-Plane flights (ok, not the actual plane flight, but the implication of a destination)
-Stacks of books to read
-An ever-full Amazon.com cart (I love the "Save for later" button)
-Movies in dark, cold theaters
-Movies at home
-Magazines in the mail
-Languages to learn
-Classes to take
-Hugs and kisses and hugs and kisses
-Camping under the stars
-Visiting friends wherever they now call home
-Hiking new trails
-Writing stories
-Sharing stories
-Bike rides
-Finding snow in winter (we have it in California, I swear)
-Zoos!
-Outlet shopping (all those stores in one place...discount prices...)
-Climbing Half Dome in Yosemite (I've wanted to do this for years)
-Visiting the Grand Canyon (I've wanted to do this for years, too)
-Wine (and pretending to know a lot about wine)
-Walking on the beach
-Surfing (don't ask)
-The Griffith Park Observatory
-Concerts
-Trader Joe's
-Stand-up comedy
-Book readings and signings
-Dressing up and feeling pretty
-A huge iTunes music library
-Yoga
-My continuing journal (I've started reading entries from years ago, and I'm so happy I have this record of myself)
-Faith in people, in things working out for the best, in myself
-Baseball games
-Chopping my hair off (I haven't figured out if this is masochistic or not, but I'm still putting it on the list)
-Maui!
-Decorating my home
-Massages
That's what comes to mind, in this moment. I have days when I don't remember why life is worth it, but today is not one of them.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I think my husband is past the phase of calling me names. It's been a very painful experience, but we're actually talking (well, via email) about what went wrong. I dare to say we agree that getting divorced is for the best and, when all is said and done, maybe we can be friends.
2. My parents visited yesterday, which was the first non-gloomy day here in a while. We went down to Laguna Beach for lunch and watched the surfers. My mom and I had wine while my dad went to the driving range. Then I made them my famous calzones. I think they were surprised that they were so huge. Ha.
3. I've seen a few good movies lately. I loved "Away We Go." I had no idea it was written by Dave Eggers and his wife. I confess to having a huge crush on Dave Eggers. I used to drive up to San Francisco just to hear him read from his books. The movie was tender and sweet and funny, and I highly recommend it.
4. I've been going out to eat almost every day. I don't know why this isn't causing me anxiety. I mean, yes, I was perturbed about the amount of mayo on my sandwich yesterday, and I swear the french fries were fried 3 times over, but I ate anyway. That's something.
5. I have therapy today. Enough said.
-Sharing life with my family -- birthdays, holidays, no-reason-days
-Road trips up the coast
-Purring cats
-Farmer's markets and bags of produce
-New recipes
-New restaurants
-Plane flights (ok, not the actual plane flight, but the implication of a destination)
-Stacks of books to read
-An ever-full Amazon.com cart (I love the "Save for later" button)
-Movies in dark, cold theaters
-Movies at home
-Magazines in the mail
-Languages to learn
-Classes to take
-Hugs and kisses and hugs and kisses
-Camping under the stars
-Visiting friends wherever they now call home
-Hiking new trails
-Writing stories
-Sharing stories
-Bike rides
-Finding snow in winter (we have it in California, I swear)
-Zoos!
-Outlet shopping (all those stores in one place...discount prices...)
-Climbing Half Dome in Yosemite (I've wanted to do this for years)
-Visiting the Grand Canyon (I've wanted to do this for years, too)
-Wine (and pretending to know a lot about wine)
-Walking on the beach
-Surfing (don't ask)
-The Griffith Park Observatory
-Concerts
-Trader Joe's
-Stand-up comedy
-Book readings and signings
-Dressing up and feeling pretty
-A huge iTunes music library
-Yoga
-My continuing journal (I've started reading entries from years ago, and I'm so happy I have this record of myself)
-Faith in people, in things working out for the best, in myself
-Baseball games
-Chopping my hair off (I haven't figured out if this is masochistic or not, but I'm still putting it on the list)
-Maui!
-Decorating my home
-Massages
That's what comes to mind, in this moment. I have days when I don't remember why life is worth it, but today is not one of them.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I think my husband is past the phase of calling me names. It's been a very painful experience, but we're actually talking (well, via email) about what went wrong. I dare to say we agree that getting divorced is for the best and, when all is said and done, maybe we can be friends.
2. My parents visited yesterday, which was the first non-gloomy day here in a while. We went down to Laguna Beach for lunch and watched the surfers. My mom and I had wine while my dad went to the driving range. Then I made them my famous calzones. I think they were surprised that they were so huge. Ha.
3. I've seen a few good movies lately. I loved "Away We Go." I had no idea it was written by Dave Eggers and his wife. I confess to having a huge crush on Dave Eggers. I used to drive up to San Francisco just to hear him read from his books. The movie was tender and sweet and funny, and I highly recommend it.
4. I've been going out to eat almost every day. I don't know why this isn't causing me anxiety. I mean, yes, I was perturbed about the amount of mayo on my sandwich yesterday, and I swear the french fries were fried 3 times over, but I ate anyway. That's something.
5. I have therapy today. Enough said.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
So this is life.
Well, I not only survived the rehearsal and wedding, I enjoyed it! I was a little shaky at the rehearsal. Hearing them practice their ceremony made me sad. But, I got out of myself and took a look around and realized, “Wow, I’ve been in a bubble way too long.” I think I got very reclusive with my husband and stopped smelling the roses, or even seeing the damn things. At the rehearsal, people were laughing and smiling and I thought, “Ok, this is how life is supposed to be.” I saw the father of the flower girl running after her, tickling her, helping her with her basket…and I smiled. I saw the way my friend’s almost-husband looked at her and called her “honey”…and I smiled. I saw my friend’s almost-in-laws taking pictures of each other and holding hands like they were newlyweds…and I smiled. I guess I caught a glimpse of possibility. There were lots of nice, cute guys. They were mostly taken, but that doesn’t even matter. The fact is that there are lots of people out there, and when I love myself enough, I’ll attract one of them who can fully love me.
The wedding itself was really beautiful. I read “The Invitation” at the ceremony. I’ve posted it before, but here it is again (because I love it so much):
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
I even danced! I love dancing. I remember how I’d told my husband, “You have to dance with me at the wedding” and he rolled his eyes. That roll of the eyes pretty much sums up my decision to end things. My friend’s younger brother was kind enough to make me his dance partner. We got down to “Brickhouse.” Come on, who can resist “Brickhouse”? Good times. Another of my friend’s friends was kind enough to come talk to me when I was sitting alone for a bit. She said, “I think you’re really brave.” Who me? The wedding helped me. It showed me love. I mean, hell, the groom freaking serenaded the bride! It was sweet.
I’m still thinking about my husband, but it would be weird if I wasn’t, right? As I walked out the door to the wedding, my attorney’s assistant called to say they were going to serve him his papers. Yikes. I don’t know if they did. I guess I’ll find out on Monday. I care for him and want him to have a happy life. That’s all. I am getting past the self-beating thing though. This was a mistake, and I can move on and learn from it. My therapist shared this quote with me:
“You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.”
– Maya Angelou.
I love that quote.
I am feeling increasingly hopeful and happy. I probably have more than 5 things to be grateful about today…let’s see…
**
Today’s gratitude:
1. I got a random job lead from this company near me that is also based in Japan. They were contacting me about a writing assignment. I told them I know a little Japanese (though my knowledge of Japanese has nothing to do with the assignment), and they were all excited. I should meet with them soon. It could be a cool opportunity. On that note, I think I will resume Japanese classes in fall, just "for fun" :)
2. I have plans to meet up with another blog-to-real-life friend on Sunday! We’re going to lunch and to see “Away We Go” (I am more-than-slightly infatuated with John Krasinski).
3. I have an Open Mic reading on Sunday. I’m friends with the organizer, Meredith, and she’s one of the first local friends I’ve told about splitting with my husband. She was very understanding and not judgmental. I realize that nobody will say as many nasty things to me about my situation as I will say to myself.
4. “Sunshine Cleaning” is playing at the dollar theater. I’ve been wanting to see this movie… I may have to make a visit this weekend or next week!
5. My friend, Lauren. She makes my day with her hilarious emails.
6. I have 2 other freelance leads through friends. I’m looking to stay as busy as possible right now, so I’m excited about that.
7. I emailed an old friend about meeting up with a group of people I kind of ditched when my husband and I got serious. Dare I say I WANT to “get out there”? I dare.
8. I have more than 5 gratitudes.
9. My cats are so damn adorable.
10. I'm looking forward to having a day to myself. I get to go grocery shopping and do some other errands, and I have books to read (I think I'll re-read "Eat, Pray, Love" at Cammy's suggestion), and Netflix movies to watch. I'm content, for today.
The wedding itself was really beautiful. I read “The Invitation” at the ceremony. I’ve posted it before, but here it is again (because I love it so much):
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
I thought I would cry, but I didn’t. I got a little teary-eyed when my friend walked down the aisle, but that was happy crying, not sad. All in all, I actually felt really good. I challenged myself and ended up talking to lots of people – a few who were in the Peace Corps with my friend and her husband, one who works as a publicist in Hollywood and knows the guy who plays Dwight Schrute, and an extremely cute cousin of the groom who is getting his PhD in Physics. In New Zealand. I had a gin and tonic (trust me, just one did the trick; this bartender's hand was as heavy as my grandma's foot on the gas pedal), some appetizer thingies, and I chose the fried-ish chicken (over mahi mahi ) for dinner. Say what? Haha. I made use of the photo booth wearing a cowboy hat, with one of my friend’s friends from high school (who I didn’t even know…thank you, gin and tonic). This is one of just me. I feel weird posting the ones with me and the girl whose name I don't even remember. Yes, I'm slightly intoxicated.
I even danced! I love dancing. I remember how I’d told my husband, “You have to dance with me at the wedding” and he rolled his eyes. That roll of the eyes pretty much sums up my decision to end things. My friend’s younger brother was kind enough to make me his dance partner. We got down to “Brickhouse.” Come on, who can resist “Brickhouse”? Good times. Another of my friend’s friends was kind enough to come talk to me when I was sitting alone for a bit. She said, “I think you’re really brave.” Who me? The wedding helped me. It showed me love. I mean, hell, the groom freaking serenaded the bride! It was sweet.
I’m still thinking about my husband, but it would be weird if I wasn’t, right? As I walked out the door to the wedding, my attorney’s assistant called to say they were going to serve him his papers. Yikes. I don’t know if they did. I guess I’ll find out on Monday. I care for him and want him to have a happy life. That’s all. I am getting past the self-beating thing though. This was a mistake, and I can move on and learn from it. My therapist shared this quote with me:
“You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.”
– Maya Angelou.
I love that quote.
I am feeling increasingly hopeful and happy. I probably have more than 5 things to be grateful about today…let’s see…
**
Today’s gratitude:
1. I got a random job lead from this company near me that is also based in Japan. They were contacting me about a writing assignment. I told them I know a little Japanese (though my knowledge of Japanese has nothing to do with the assignment), and they were all excited. I should meet with them soon. It could be a cool opportunity. On that note, I think I will resume Japanese classes in fall, just "for fun" :)
2. I have plans to meet up with another blog-to-real-life friend on Sunday! We’re going to lunch and to see “Away We Go” (I am more-than-slightly infatuated with John Krasinski).
3. I have an Open Mic reading on Sunday. I’m friends with the organizer, Meredith, and she’s one of the first local friends I’ve told about splitting with my husband. She was very understanding and not judgmental. I realize that nobody will say as many nasty things to me about my situation as I will say to myself.
4. “Sunshine Cleaning” is playing at the dollar theater. I’ve been wanting to see this movie… I may have to make a visit this weekend or next week!
5. My friend, Lauren. She makes my day with her hilarious emails.
6. I have 2 other freelance leads through friends. I’m looking to stay as busy as possible right now, so I’m excited about that.
7. I emailed an old friend about meeting up with a group of people I kind of ditched when my husband and I got serious. Dare I say I WANT to “get out there”? I dare.
8. I have more than 5 gratitudes.
9. My cats are so damn adorable.
10. I'm looking forward to having a day to myself. I get to go grocery shopping and do some other errands, and I have books to read (I think I'll re-read "Eat, Pray, Love" at Cammy's suggestion), and Netflix movies to watch. I'm content, for today.
And the winner is...
Sam!
Yep, the randomizer tool put you at the top of the list :)
I'll email you to get your address so I can send you the book :) I hope you enjoy it!
Yep, the randomizer tool put you at the top of the list :)
I'll email you to get your address so I can send you the book :) I hope you enjoy it!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The caretaker
**Update: I'm so glad to see the interest in the book giveaway!
I'll announce the winner this weekened!**
Yesterday, in my therapy session, we spent a lot of time talking about the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head. Most of them, in the past few days, are about my husband. I've lost sleep and felt sick to my stomach wondering how he is. I hate this. I miss him. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. I know it's for the best, ultimately. I see that I was forcing him to be something he didn't want to be; and he was asking me to accept things that I couldn't accept (about what I need and want from a lover, and from life). But, just because it's for the best doesn't mean I don't ache. He probably hates me. I was the instigator. But, I'm not having an easy time with this either. I wonder if he's doing ok. I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder how his job is going, how he likes his apartment. As I told my therapist all this, she said, "You know, by consuming yourself with all these thoughts, you're still taking care of him in a way." I guess that's the thing -- I loved taking care of him. I really loved it. I was damn good at it. I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, I reminded him of important dates and appointments (hell, I made the appointments), I supported his work, I shopped for him, I planned meals thinking of what he'd want to eat (he loved my calzones). I don't say any of that in a resentful way. I loved it. I really did. And I miss it. Annnnnnd here come the waterworks... I pretty much burst out crying once an hour, it seems. Anyway, my therapist said this:
"You know, caregivers are great at many things, but terrible at one: Taking care of themselves."
I guess this is very true. I imagine many people who have spent years not taking care of themselves are very good at channeling any nuturing energy to others. It's very fulfilling to take care of someone, to be there for them. Now that I don't have that person to love that way, I feel lost and lonely. There's a void. It makes sense to use that energy spent caring about him to care about myself...but that's an adjustment that will take a very long time. I've never been totally comfortable just taking care of myself. At times, I've been downright bad at it. I have to think that if I can learn to do that though -- care for myself and my needs, first and foremost -- I'll be a better partner. I'll probably always be a giver, but I need to take care of myself enough to realize how much I deserve to get back.
How many of you find that you are great caretakers (with a spouse, friend, family member, etc)? Do you think it compromises how well you take care of yourself?
***
Today's gratitude:
1. My friend's wedding rehearsal and luncheon is today. I'm really nervous about my ability to hold it together. Like I said, I keep having crying fits. I have to read something at her ceremony tomorrow and I don't want to be that sobbing girl. I'm truly happy for her though and I want to be there for her as a friend who loves her. It'll probably be good to get out of myself anyway.
2. My mom. She was here again yesterday. She took me to lunch and we made a pizza and had wine for dinner. My appetite still sucks, but I'm eating.
3. Kitties! They're inside more now, cuddling with me. I swear pets have an uncanny ability to sense the pain of their owners.
4. Stephen Colbert. This man makes me laugh even when I am resigned to not laughing. His episodes in Iraq have been hilarious.
5. The sun's brief appearance. I realize how much the weather affects my mood. We are in "June Gloom" here and it seems particularly gloomy. The sun came out this morning and that made me momentarily content. It's hiding again, but maybe it'll be back later.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Book Review & Giveaway!
Shannon Cutts, author of "Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder & Take Your Life Back," was kind enough to send me a copy of her book, AND a copy to give away to a lucky blog reader :)
I have to admit that after my phase of rifling through eating disorders books back in, oh, 1999, I haven't been into reading up on the subject. I figure, "Hey, I've lived it. Don't need to read about it." But, this book is different. This book is about the mentor approach to eating disorder recovery. I was pretty much hooked in the Foreword, where it reads, "...relapsing is a normal part of recovery--one must take a few steps back to take many steps forward. Oftentimes the biggest variable in whether people truly recover from an eating disorder is the community of support that is set up to help in their recovery." It goes on to say, "Eating disorders thrive in isolation, secrecy, and shame. To recover, we need to break through the isolation, break open the secrecy, and break up the shame--and we cannot do that alone. For lasting recovery to occur, we need each other." As Shannon says, "relationships replace eating disorders."
This could not have come at a better time for me. Anorexia is shouting in my ear right about now, luring me into a secret, hidden place, far from the real world, telling me that all my problems will go away if I just restrict. And the only weapon I have to defend myself is other people. I get support from the blogging community. I get support from my family. I get support from friends (and I've come to think that friends in recovery can be extremely valuable). A mentor model with eating disorders seems like a no-brainer. The worst part of an eating disorder is feeling like nobody "gets" it. Therapy is helpful, but there are lapses between appointments when nothing seems to make sense. Shannon is exactly right -- having someone rooting for you, supporting you, modeling healthy behaviors for you is pretty essential. I don't see how I can maintain recovery if I slip into a void of loneliness and separation from others. We need people, as much as it's scary to need people, or as much as we don't want to need people.
I don't want to keep quoting from the book because, hey, I want people to get it and read for themselves :) Like I said, I have ONE COPY to give away. If you're interested, leave a comment here by the end of this week. I'm going to use one of those nifty randomizer tools online to pick the winner.
If you do want to read more, click here for an excerpt. Shannon's site is http://www.key-to-life.com/. You can find out more about MentorCONNECT on her site.
I'll leave you with part of a poem that opens the book. Granted, I'm very emotional right now, but this had me crying:
I survived.
I survived myself.
I survived others' pain.
I survived this media-saturated society we live in
with body, mind, heart, and soul stubbornly
intact.
In fact, I did more than survive.
I regrouped.
I restored.
I rebuilt.
I revived.
And even now I am regrouping.
I am restoring.
I am rebuilding.
I am reviving, discovering, accepting, and exploring
the "me" in all this.
The me who got lost and left behind.
The me who was forgotten and misplaced her voice
for a while because of it.
I sing again...
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I have work to distract me from the fact that I'm very sad. I hired an attorney yesterday. The papers were filed this morning. My husband will be notified soon (if he hasn't been already).
2. My mom is not sick of me. In fact, she's asking me if I need her to come visit again.
3. I have therapy tomorrow.
4. My friend's wedding rehearsal and wedding are on Thursday/Friday. I think it'll be good to get out of myself a bit.
5. I've made a great blog-to-real-life friend, who shall remain nameless, unless she wants to be named. She has been an incredible support.
I have to admit that after my phase of rifling through eating disorders books back in, oh, 1999, I haven't been into reading up on the subject. I figure, "Hey, I've lived it. Don't need to read about it." But, this book is different. This book is about the mentor approach to eating disorder recovery. I was pretty much hooked in the Foreword, where it reads, "...relapsing is a normal part of recovery--one must take a few steps back to take many steps forward. Oftentimes the biggest variable in whether people truly recover from an eating disorder is the community of support that is set up to help in their recovery." It goes on to say, "Eating disorders thrive in isolation, secrecy, and shame. To recover, we need to break through the isolation, break open the secrecy, and break up the shame--and we cannot do that alone. For lasting recovery to occur, we need each other." As Shannon says, "relationships replace eating disorders."
This could not have come at a better time for me. Anorexia is shouting in my ear right about now, luring me into a secret, hidden place, far from the real world, telling me that all my problems will go away if I just restrict. And the only weapon I have to defend myself is other people. I get support from the blogging community. I get support from my family. I get support from friends (and I've come to think that friends in recovery can be extremely valuable). A mentor model with eating disorders seems like a no-brainer. The worst part of an eating disorder is feeling like nobody "gets" it. Therapy is helpful, but there are lapses between appointments when nothing seems to make sense. Shannon is exactly right -- having someone rooting for you, supporting you, modeling healthy behaviors for you is pretty essential. I don't see how I can maintain recovery if I slip into a void of loneliness and separation from others. We need people, as much as it's scary to need people, or as much as we don't want to need people.
I don't want to keep quoting from the book because, hey, I want people to get it and read for themselves :) Like I said, I have ONE COPY to give away. If you're interested, leave a comment here by the end of this week. I'm going to use one of those nifty randomizer tools online to pick the winner.
If you do want to read more, click here for an excerpt. Shannon's site is http://www.key-to-life.com/. You can find out more about MentorCONNECT on her site.
I'll leave you with part of a poem that opens the book. Granted, I'm very emotional right now, but this had me crying:
I survived.
I survived myself.
I survived others' pain.
I survived this media-saturated society we live in
with body, mind, heart, and soul stubbornly
intact.
In fact, I did more than survive.
I regrouped.
I restored.
I rebuilt.
I revived.
And even now I am regrouping.
I am restoring.
I am rebuilding.
I am reviving, discovering, accepting, and exploring
the "me" in all this.
The me who got lost and left behind.
The me who was forgotten and misplaced her voice
for a while because of it.
I sing again...
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I have work to distract me from the fact that I'm very sad. I hired an attorney yesterday. The papers were filed this morning. My husband will be notified soon (if he hasn't been already).
2. My mom is not sick of me. In fact, she's asking me if I need her to come visit again.
3. I have therapy tomorrow.
4. My friend's wedding rehearsal and wedding are on Thursday/Friday. I think it'll be good to get out of myself a bit.
5. I've made a great blog-to-real-life friend, who shall remain nameless, unless she wants to be named. She has been an incredible support.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
A picture says one word.
I took my parents to the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena today. It's a yearly ritual. I loaded up on little cream cheese and tuna (I think) sandwiches, scones, cheese cubes, hummus and pita, fruit. It's a cute little buffet. I didn't get a picture because I feel awkward taking food pictures in public.
I did, however, take this picture of something beautiful coming out of something prickly.
I should call it "Recovery." Or "Divorce."
That's me with the humans who gave me life 30 years ago, and continue to give me life today. I don't know what I'd do without them.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. A walk in the hills with my parents and the family dog.
2. A beautiful day at the gardens.
3. Lil' sandwiches!
4. My parents.
5. Wine. I'm anticipating this gratitude. It's been a very difficult, emotional day. I'll spare you the details of my drama with my husband, but I'll just say he's making this way meaner than it needs to be. I've been shaky (literally shaking) all day... I know I'll get through this, but it's really hard.
I did, however, take this picture of something beautiful coming out of something prickly.
I should call it "Recovery." Or "Divorce."
That's me with the humans who gave me life 30 years ago, and continue to give me life today. I don't know what I'd do without them.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. A walk in the hills with my parents and the family dog.
2. A beautiful day at the gardens.
3. Lil' sandwiches!
4. My parents.
5. Wine. I'm anticipating this gratitude. It's been a very difficult, emotional day. I'll spare you the details of my drama with my husband, but I'll just say he's making this way meaner than it needs to be. I've been shaky (literally shaking) all day... I know I'll get through this, but it's really hard.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Let me make two things clear
One: I do NOT feel like eating.
Two: I'm eating anyway.
I've been so fortunate to have my family supporting me. The few days my mom was here, she insisted on taking me out to lunch every day and having wine with our hearty dinners every night. My sister took me to lunch yesterday at a fifties diner and we ordered a large pizza last night for dinner (I had THREE slices!). They just won't let me starve, damn it, and I love them for it. I haven't put up much of a fight. I guess I figure I have bigger fish to fry (or bake, says Anorexic Kim. See, I still have a sense of humor, I swear). It's been a blur of oily paninis and french fries and tuna salad sandwiches on buttered bread and wraps with mystery dressings... oh my. I feel like a glutton. Even in "good" times, I have anxiety about going out to eat several days in a row. But, now, in this "bad" time, I have zero appetite. ZERO. I'm full of all these feelings -- anger (at myself, mostly), sadness, more sadness, tentative excitement. I know I have to eat though. Looking back, all of my relapses occurred during times of change. Break ups have always done a number on my recovery. It's not that I seek to lose weight. I'm just not hungry. I don't think it's really abnormal for people to lose their appetite during times of stress, but considering that I'm sitting atop a fence, precariously, between anorexia and health, I can't afford to lose a few pounds. I have to eat. I have to take care of myself. And it's really freaking hard.
I wish I could get a handle on my emotions. I'm all over the place. Maybe the key is realizing that I don't have to get a handle on anything (nor should I). I just have to BE and accept whatever I feel. One minute, I'm hopeful for the future. I can see the light. The next minute, I want to crawl into a very dark hole and cry (And I do cry, but I don't crawl into a very dark hole because my condo does not have such a thing). It doesn't help that when I posted a question on Yahoo! Answers about how to go about seeking a simple divorce, I got this reply:
“Wow! I just love how you tried to work out the problem in your marriage and stay true to those vows you said. I guess you forgot the 'in good times and bad' part and oh yeah 'until death do you part.' Oh well, must feel great to throw away all the money mommy and daddy wasted to pay for your wedding!!”
That's nice. It's like, somehow, the self-hater in me found a way to create an account on Yahoo! and post a reply. I don't need that crap. Those words bounce around in my head enough, thank you. Yes, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel ashamed. I feel at fault. There's still part of me that thinks, despite knowing all the problems in my marriage, that I just didn't try hard enough and that I expect too much from a mate and that I should just shut up about my needs and fake happiness. And I'm kicking myself for the fact that, after almost 30 years of pinching my pennies, I'll be spending thousands of dollars in attorney fees (apparently) to get out of a marriage that I KNEW I shouldn't have gotten into. I'm dumb. I'm an idiot. I realize I have to forgive myself, but that ain't happening today...and probably not tomorrow either...or the next day.
But, I have to eat anyway.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I keep finding post-it notes all around my condo that my sister left before she hit the road this morning. There was a "Sistas are foreva" on the mayonnaise in the fridge. There was a "Smile, I love you" in my day planner. There was an "I fed Roxy. Hang in there" by the cat food. With all the sad tears, I'm crying happy ones too because I really am so lucky.
2. I'm going up to my parents' house tonight and taking them to afternoon tea at the Huntington Gardens tomorrow (think little sandwiches and scones and pretending to be British). We've had it planned for months now and I'm trying to just go about my life, maybe even ENJOY it.
3. I have some episodes of "Weeds" (Season 4) to entertain me.
4. Work has been really slow, which is good for this week (though it makes me nervous about losing my job). I had one conference call all week, and I had to mute myself because I was crying for the entire call.
5. YOU GUYS! I am SO touched by the support in the blogging community. Yes, we're "virtual friends," but I get so much strength from all of you. Thank you so much for the comments. I admit I feel weird when you say I'm "strong" or "brave" because I feel like I'm very weak right now (I mean, who can't keep it together for a conference call?). Thank you, though.
Two: I'm eating anyway.
I've been so fortunate to have my family supporting me. The few days my mom was here, she insisted on taking me out to lunch every day and having wine with our hearty dinners every night. My sister took me to lunch yesterday at a fifties diner and we ordered a large pizza last night for dinner (I had THREE slices!). They just won't let me starve, damn it, and I love them for it. I haven't put up much of a fight. I guess I figure I have bigger fish to fry (or bake, says Anorexic Kim. See, I still have a sense of humor, I swear). It's been a blur of oily paninis and french fries and tuna salad sandwiches on buttered bread and wraps with mystery dressings... oh my. I feel like a glutton. Even in "good" times, I have anxiety about going out to eat several days in a row. But, now, in this "bad" time, I have zero appetite. ZERO. I'm full of all these feelings -- anger (at myself, mostly), sadness, more sadness, tentative excitement. I know I have to eat though. Looking back, all of my relapses occurred during times of change. Break ups have always done a number on my recovery. It's not that I seek to lose weight. I'm just not hungry. I don't think it's really abnormal for people to lose their appetite during times of stress, but considering that I'm sitting atop a fence, precariously, between anorexia and health, I can't afford to lose a few pounds. I have to eat. I have to take care of myself. And it's really freaking hard.
I wish I could get a handle on my emotions. I'm all over the place. Maybe the key is realizing that I don't have to get a handle on anything (nor should I). I just have to BE and accept whatever I feel. One minute, I'm hopeful for the future. I can see the light. The next minute, I want to crawl into a very dark hole and cry (And I do cry, but I don't crawl into a very dark hole because my condo does not have such a thing). It doesn't help that when I posted a question on Yahoo! Answers about how to go about seeking a simple divorce, I got this reply:
“Wow! I just love how you tried to work out the problem in your marriage and stay true to those vows you said. I guess you forgot the 'in good times and bad' part and oh yeah 'until death do you part.' Oh well, must feel great to throw away all the money mommy and daddy wasted to pay for your wedding!!”
That's nice. It's like, somehow, the self-hater in me found a way to create an account on Yahoo! and post a reply. I don't need that crap. Those words bounce around in my head enough, thank you. Yes, I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I feel ashamed. I feel at fault. There's still part of me that thinks, despite knowing all the problems in my marriage, that I just didn't try hard enough and that I expect too much from a mate and that I should just shut up about my needs and fake happiness. And I'm kicking myself for the fact that, after almost 30 years of pinching my pennies, I'll be spending thousands of dollars in attorney fees (apparently) to get out of a marriage that I KNEW I shouldn't have gotten into. I'm dumb. I'm an idiot. I realize I have to forgive myself, but that ain't happening today...and probably not tomorrow either...or the next day.
But, I have to eat anyway.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. I keep finding post-it notes all around my condo that my sister left before she hit the road this morning. There was a "Sistas are foreva" on the mayonnaise in the fridge. There was a "Smile, I love you" in my day planner. There was an "I fed Roxy. Hang in there" by the cat food. With all the sad tears, I'm crying happy ones too because I really am so lucky.
2. I'm going up to my parents' house tonight and taking them to afternoon tea at the Huntington Gardens tomorrow (think little sandwiches and scones and pretending to be British). We've had it planned for months now and I'm trying to just go about my life, maybe even ENJOY it.
3. I have some episodes of "Weeds" (Season 4) to entertain me.
4. Work has been really slow, which is good for this week (though it makes me nervous about losing my job). I had one conference call all week, and I had to mute myself because I was crying for the entire call.
5. YOU GUYS! I am SO touched by the support in the blogging community. Yes, we're "virtual friends," but I get so much strength from all of you. Thank you so much for the comments. I admit I feel weird when you say I'm "strong" or "brave" because I feel like I'm very weak right now (I mean, who can't keep it together for a conference call?). Thank you, though.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The stories we write
One of my best friends is in grad school, getting her PsyD to be a clinical psychologist (and she'll be a great one). She talks to me a lot about how people create stories of themselves, and the choices they make tend to reflect the script they have already written in their head. Like if someone sees themselves as not worthy of love (cough, cough), she will choose someone who does not give her love. Prophecy fulfilled, in a way.
Why am I talking about this, you ask? Sit tight.
I don't know any way to say this without sounding like a character in a Lifetime movie. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed.
My mom rushed down to see me late Sunday night. She slept in bed next to me (well, sort of; we both didn't sleep well). We spent all day together yesterday. I made us omelets for breakfast. She made sure to take me out for a big lunch at Marmalade Cafe. We went to Costco and checked off a few things on my list -- get a new land line phone, get a printer, get a wireless router. We picked up a bottle of wine too, which we split over big bowls of pasta and the movie "The Break Up." She's still here today, helping me get organized and taking me out to meals that my stomach does not want to handle right now...but, hey, I'm resigned. I have other things on my mind.
My husband and I are splitting up. He's renting an apartment. I told him to take all the money in the joint checking account since he has nothing otherwise. He should get the rest of his stuff out of here tomorrow. I don't know when I'll file those infamous papers. But, yes, I'm sure about this.
Getting married was a mistake for me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't berating myself. Something inside of me knew it was a mistake, and I did it anyway. I knew marrying him was reinforcing my "story." That story goes something like this:
"I'm damaged."
"I'm safer in a relationship with someone else who is damaged."
"I want too much."
"My expectations for love are unrealistic."
"I don't really need or deserve that much affection."
"I'm not worth a hell of a lot."
"I hate confrontation."
"I don't like to hurt people's feelings."
My husband is not a bad person; but he's not good for me. He's not enthusiastic about life, at all. I've asked him so many times what his dreams are, hoping that there is some fire burning in him. But, he doesn't look forward to much. He's cynical, moody. Sadly, I dread weekends because he never wants to leave the house. Yes, I've suggested to him that he's depressed. He denies this. He says he just doesn't like going out. Honestly, this seems true. He is totally happy at home, with his computers. He doesn't seem depressed (and I know depression). I've tried to fill in the gaps, suggesting a dog, a trip, home renovations -- anything to bond us. He takes no interest. I end up doing things on my own most of the time, with this increasingly loud voice asking me, "What are you getting out of this? You should be getting something."
I respect my husband. I wish him nothing but the best. But, he's an anorexic choice for me. Anorexic Kim loved that he didn't care much about anything and he didn't want to go anywhere. That meant no spontaneous food outings. That meant I could keep my little schedule, perfect and controlled and self-contained. Anorexic Kim liked to stay at home, away from people. Anorexic Kim didn't mind that he pushed her away when she tried to lie on his lap, saying he was too hot or uncomfortable or whatever. Anorexic Kim didn't really need affection or attention. She was too busy reading nutrition labels and obsessing about random things in the confines of her own bubble.
But, the bubble popped. And I've spent months trying to prick his bubble, thinking, stupidly (?), that I could. Our therapy session last week really made me face reality. He stated, blatantly, that he is who he is, and he doesn't plan on changing. Of course, when the shit hit the proverbial fan (this was Sunday morning, when I made an innocuous comment about him waking up at noon, while I'd been cleaning all morning, and he lashed out and said he can't be who I want and that he just wants to be left alone), he said he would change. I just shook my head and said, "No you won't. This is who you are. You said so yourself. If you force yourself to act contrary to your nature just to keep me around, you'll end up miserable and hating me." He had nothing to say to that.
I feel incredibly sad. I feel like I failed in many ways. I failed to listen to myself months ago. I failed to tell him before we got married that I didn't think he could meet my needs. I failed to accept that my needs are totally legit. I have told one friend about this. I deleted my Facebook and MySpace accounts. My family knows, obviously. My mom is here until tomorrow, then my sister comes. They're working in shifts to make sure I'm ok :) I thought my sister would judge me, but she seems genuinely loving and wholly concerned for my well-being. That's love.
We'll split another bottle of wine tonight. And I'll eat a hearty dinner, even though I feel fat with feelings. Too bad feelings have no caloric value; if they did, I'd have plenty of meat on my bones.
I'm thinking about what I want my story to be. I'm a writer, after all. All I know is that I want affection and intimacy. I want someone who cares about what matters to me. I want to enjoy all that life has to offer. I want a partner in crime, someone to venture into the world with, excitedly. And I'm starting to accept that wanting these things is not "too much." I'm worth it.
Ok, now I sound like I don't shave my armpits and I lead feminist rallies. I'll stop...
What's your story?
***
Today's gratitude (F*#K, I have to be grateful today?!):
1. My mom.
2. My sister.
3. My dad.
4. Wine.
5. Well, um, I can finally go off birth control. I'm convinced those pills make me crazy. WOOHOO!
Why am I talking about this, you ask? Sit tight.
I don't know any way to say this without sounding like a character in a Lifetime movie. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed.
My mom rushed down to see me late Sunday night. She slept in bed next to me (well, sort of; we both didn't sleep well). We spent all day together yesterday. I made us omelets for breakfast. She made sure to take me out for a big lunch at Marmalade Cafe. We went to Costco and checked off a few things on my list -- get a new land line phone, get a printer, get a wireless router. We picked up a bottle of wine too, which we split over big bowls of pasta and the movie "The Break Up." She's still here today, helping me get organized and taking me out to meals that my stomach does not want to handle right now...but, hey, I'm resigned. I have other things on my mind.
My husband and I are splitting up. He's renting an apartment. I told him to take all the money in the joint checking account since he has nothing otherwise. He should get the rest of his stuff out of here tomorrow. I don't know when I'll file those infamous papers. But, yes, I'm sure about this.
Getting married was a mistake for me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't berating myself. Something inside of me knew it was a mistake, and I did it anyway. I knew marrying him was reinforcing my "story." That story goes something like this:
"I'm damaged."
"I'm safer in a relationship with someone else who is damaged."
"I want too much."
"My expectations for love are unrealistic."
"I don't really need or deserve that much affection."
"I'm not worth a hell of a lot."
"I hate confrontation."
"I don't like to hurt people's feelings."
My husband is not a bad person; but he's not good for me. He's not enthusiastic about life, at all. I've asked him so many times what his dreams are, hoping that there is some fire burning in him. But, he doesn't look forward to much. He's cynical, moody. Sadly, I dread weekends because he never wants to leave the house. Yes, I've suggested to him that he's depressed. He denies this. He says he just doesn't like going out. Honestly, this seems true. He is totally happy at home, with his computers. He doesn't seem depressed (and I know depression). I've tried to fill in the gaps, suggesting a dog, a trip, home renovations -- anything to bond us. He takes no interest. I end up doing things on my own most of the time, with this increasingly loud voice asking me, "What are you getting out of this? You should be getting something."
I respect my husband. I wish him nothing but the best. But, he's an anorexic choice for me. Anorexic Kim loved that he didn't care much about anything and he didn't want to go anywhere. That meant no spontaneous food outings. That meant I could keep my little schedule, perfect and controlled and self-contained. Anorexic Kim liked to stay at home, away from people. Anorexic Kim didn't mind that he pushed her away when she tried to lie on his lap, saying he was too hot or uncomfortable or whatever. Anorexic Kim didn't really need affection or attention. She was too busy reading nutrition labels and obsessing about random things in the confines of her own bubble.
But, the bubble popped. And I've spent months trying to prick his bubble, thinking, stupidly (?), that I could. Our therapy session last week really made me face reality. He stated, blatantly, that he is who he is, and he doesn't plan on changing. Of course, when the shit hit the proverbial fan (this was Sunday morning, when I made an innocuous comment about him waking up at noon, while I'd been cleaning all morning, and he lashed out and said he can't be who I want and that he just wants to be left alone), he said he would change. I just shook my head and said, "No you won't. This is who you are. You said so yourself. If you force yourself to act contrary to your nature just to keep me around, you'll end up miserable and hating me." He had nothing to say to that.
I feel incredibly sad. I feel like I failed in many ways. I failed to listen to myself months ago. I failed to tell him before we got married that I didn't think he could meet my needs. I failed to accept that my needs are totally legit. I have told one friend about this. I deleted my Facebook and MySpace accounts. My family knows, obviously. My mom is here until tomorrow, then my sister comes. They're working in shifts to make sure I'm ok :) I thought my sister would judge me, but she seems genuinely loving and wholly concerned for my well-being. That's love.
We'll split another bottle of wine tonight. And I'll eat a hearty dinner, even though I feel fat with feelings. Too bad feelings have no caloric value; if they did, I'd have plenty of meat on my bones.
I'm thinking about what I want my story to be. I'm a writer, after all. All I know is that I want affection and intimacy. I want someone who cares about what matters to me. I want to enjoy all that life has to offer. I want a partner in crime, someone to venture into the world with, excitedly. And I'm starting to accept that wanting these things is not "too much." I'm worth it.
Ok, now I sound like I don't shave my armpits and I lead feminist rallies. I'll stop...
What's your story?
***
Today's gratitude (F*#K, I have to be grateful today?!):
1. My mom.
2. My sister.
3. My dad.
4. Wine.
5. Well, um, I can finally go off birth control. I'm convinced those pills make me crazy. WOOHOO!
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