さようなら

Yes, my Japanese language classes enabled me to write "goodbye" (sayoonara) in Japanese. Go me!

Tomorrow, I will be a married lady. Since we got engaged, I've had all sorts of doubts -- about my ability to "let go" and fully be with this other human, about what I want from a husband, about what I want as a wife, about what I want from love and life. In the past couple weeks though, I've felt calm. I've felt something new to me -- faith. It's hard for me to have trust, obviously. I've distrusted my body, my hungers, my very self, for 10+ years. Trusting in marriage, in promising "forever" to another person, is right up there with trusting that ice cream cake is not evil. We all have our issues, our surrenders. Marriage and eating are very similar for me.

The Japanese have this concept called はらげい (haragei). Literally, it means "belly talk." In their culture, people don't often express their feelings outright. There is an unspoken understanding. They don't say "I love you" freely, like we do here. Instead, they feel "I love you." While this sounds romantic, words have been very important to me in recovery. Much of getting better has been about learning to communicate and not feeling embarrassed or ashamed of what I have to say. I've been figuring out how to communicate with myself, first of all ("gently" seems to be the way to go), and I've been figuring out how to communicate with this guy I'll call my husband tomorrow. Maybe, one day, we'll know each other so well, and emotions will flow so freely, that we can just have "belly talk." Maybe, one day, I'll have a beautiful, round, healthy belly :) For now, I'm practicing my mantra: Use your words, eat your food (because eating my words while using my food has not worked in the past).

I'll post pictures when we get back (mid-March). Until then, I hope everyone stays well :) I'll be thinking of all of you!

Oink oink

I have to say that I envy women who are in relationships with men who "pack food away." I'm in a relationship with a man who can go an entire day eating nothing but a Quaker granola bar. His weight is normal. It drives me absolutely crazy.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

• Big bowl of oatmeal, made with soy milk, a banana, cinnamon
• A Clif Mojo bar
• A carton of Greek yogurt
• Grilled cheese and avocado sandwich (regular cheese, regular bread, 1/2 of a large avocado, yo. My days of "light" food are basically over)
• Bowl of tomato soup
• Several handfuls of gourmet popcorn ("gourmet" means full-fat, not that air-popped nonsense)
• An apple
• A box of Indian mix (some kind of garbanzo thing) with half a block of tofu in it
• Some rice
• A piece of Naan bread the size of my face
• A frozen chocolate-covered banana (if you have a Trader Joe's near you, check out these things. They are very good, even though eating them looks strange. I won't go into raunchy details)
• A cup of hot chocolate

Here's what my fiance ate:
2 small slices of leftover pizza, with half the cheese picked off and eaten by me the night we got the pizza for dinner (because, apparently, 3 slices were not enough to satisfy my cheese needs).

I hate him sometimes. I know this is my issue, and nothing to do with him. I can't change his appetite or force him to consume more. So, if it's my issue...what do I do? When will this stop bothering me? When will I be okay with my food needs? When will I stop comparing?

Does anyone have any advice, aside from, "Just ignore what he eats"? I'm around the dude 24/7, so it's a bit hard to not notice. And it's a bit hard to remember what's "normal" and what's not. And it's a bit hard not to feel like a total pig.

Hence, the oink oink.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. My friend, Kristi, who offered to watch my kitties while I'm gone. I almost cried with gratitude. I was dreading taking them in the crate to my parents' house. So, I returned the damn crate and used the money I spent on it to buy Kristi a gift card, which still doesn't express how grateful I am.
2. My immune system. This is gratitude in advance. I feel like I'm getting sick...which is not good, considering my wedding is in 2 days, and then I'll be on a trip for 2 weeks. Come on, body, you can do it! People are telling me it's anxiety, but I'm pretty sure my throat is on fire. I don't tend to imagine these things.
3. Fatigue. Yes, this contradicts my fear of the associated sickness, but it's kind of nice to feel too tired to worry about anything. I was all set to start packing and cleaning the house today. Um, no. Today, I shall nap, watch "CSI" episodes on my laptop, occasionally check my work e-mail, and finish this stupid book I'm reading.
4. 50 pages left of "The Autograph Man" by Zadie Smith. I want to like Zadie Smith. I do. But, I just don't. It is virtually impossible for me to just stop reading a book, no matter how dreadful it is, so I keep plugging along. It'll be over soon. Sorry, Zadie.
5. An almost-empty fridge. Nothing pleases me more than emptying the fridge before a trip. I've only got a few perishables left to eat. I hate wasting food. You would think I grew up in the Great Depression...which, I guess I did, in my own way.

Coming out

It's National Eating Disorders Awareness week and, while I want to take to podiums or at least talk to whoever cares to listen, I don't. I have not "come out of the closet" yet. There are lots of rickety skeletons in that closet. Very rickety.

I've been asked to speak at events, but I always say no. Much of the reason is because I'm still thin. Just yesterday, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Why can't I just gain these stupid 10 pounds? God, even 20...30...would look GREAT! Why do I eat as much as I do and NOTHING HAPPENS?" I don't mean this to sound sad or pitiful, but my wedding day (this Friday!) will not feature me at my prettiest. I mean, I'm sure I'll look beautiful, but my face has seen rounder days. I'm not "back" yet. I still have that look of someone on the border between "normalcy" and "sickness." I know that. I also know that people call me a "skinny bitch" behind my back. I also know that whining about how much I need to eat to maintain my weight, let alone gain, is not going to do anything but increase the "skinny bitch" comments.

But, why do I care what people think? I know where I'm at in my recovery. I know the dark place I've come from, and the light I see before me. I know I ate 3 pieces of a large pizza last night, guilt-free. I also know I still have food quirks. I know I could be more free. But, I don't think there is anything "wrong" or terrible about where I'm at with recovery, so why do I care if others think that?

I still carry a lot of shame about my illness. While I know it's a complicated disease, I still beat myself up for not being "over it" already. I cringe at the misconceptions out there. I think that if people knew about my anorexia, they would think, "Wow, I didn't think she was so vain." As it is, people don't know. They think I'm thin, but they see me eat (a lot), and just assume I'm, well, a "skinny bitch." I realize that this is why I SHOULD stand up and speak out and raise awareness...but I'm scared. I still judge myself. I still worry about the judgments of others.

I'm safe here, in blog land, because it's relatively anonymous. Here, I can speak my mind about eating disorders. I can say that they're not about wanting to be a svelte supermodel. I can say that social pressures are a trigger, but not a cause. I can say that they are neurobiological illnesses. I can say that being predisposed to an eating disorder is like a wick waiting to be lit. We all have our stories, our circumstances, that lit the wick. But, we were all born with the wick. That's my thought. I can say that I think refeeding is the only way to really recover. That's the kicker -- eating disorders aren't really about food, but they are. If you aren't eating enough, your brain gets screwy. You start to think more and more about restricting. Once you're fed, all that obsessing about calories and body sort of goes away. I can say that there's a blurry line between cause and effect. Poor family dynamics, perfectionism, fear of failure, lack of internal sense of self -- these are all causes and effects of eating disorders. I can say that I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on my greatest enemy. I can say that recovery is trying and brutal, and that's why anorexia is associated with so many suicides. I can say that eating disorders are serious mental illnesses, not to be taken lightly, not deserving of teasing or speculative gossip. I can say that it is possible to recover, fully. And I can say that as you do so, you will discover a person that your eating disorder never wanted you to see -- someone beautiful and smart and worthy.

That's what I can say here in blog land.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. My accountant. I hate tax time, mostly because I hate feeling stupid, and taxes make me feel stupid.
2. Snacks, snacks, and more snacks. I don't know why I can't stop eating. I'm not pregnant...see last post (ha). Bars, fruit, trail mix, popcorn, triscuits, cereal...nothing seems to be safe in my path.
3. The kitty crate. I got a crate for my cats. It should be spacious enough. I'm dreading leaving them with my parents while I'm on vacation. I'm spoiling them in anticipation. I keep slipping them food and letting them inside to cuddle with me. Don't tell my almost-husband.
4. My book-in-progress. I just read through it and I dare to say I'm pleased with it. I have about 200 pages so far. I came to a stopping point when the characters go to Japan...Hence my trip to Japan...WE LEAVE SUNDAY! It'll be a honeymoon with some fun research :)
5. My special chicken stirfry and eggrolls. That's what's on the menu. I've been looking forward to it since I woke up at 6:30am.

To be a mom, or not to be a mom...

I can't say I've ever peed on a stick before. I guess there's a first time for everything.

Paranoia drove me to CVS pharmacy last night. My period should have come in full-force on Tuesday. Instead, it's very light and spotty and weird. Being the worrier that I am, I thought, "What if I'm pregnant?" That initial seed of a thought grew into a very large plant, the kind that overwhelms not only your yard, but your neighbor's yard, too. My neighbor (my almost-husband in this case) said, "Why don't you just take care of it?" So, off to the pharmacy we went.

It was negative. Of course. Duh. My cycle is probably off because of stress (though, really, I feel very calm. Maybe calmness is a stress to my usually anxious body. Ha). Whatever the reason, there is no human inside me.

But, I did start thinking about babies again. It's something I think about from time to time. I mean, I'm 29 years old. Do I want to be a mother? I feel like this is something I should know by now. After all, my sister seemed to know she wanted to be a mother when she was five-years-old and bottle-feeding her dolls with real milk. I was never one for carrying around plastic babies. I was more into making my Barbies kiss and ride ponies.

I don't really feel the maternal instinct. I just don't. I don't hear a ticking clock. I'm either deaf, or I don't have a clock. I think I'm too selfish to be a good mother. I don't mean that in a self-critical, sad way. I just mean that there are so many places I want to see and things I want to do, and I don't know how a child fits into the picture. Also, I can be a very resentful person (ask my almost-husband) when I feel like I'm not getting what I want. Maybe it's because I've had years and years of not getting what I want. I just don't know if I could give myself to a child, fully. I'm fickle and introverted. Also, I've fully accepted that I'm a worrier. I stress about minutia. I like organization. I'm pretty sure a child would not conform to this. A child would not faciliate my daily to-do list. However, there is a small voice that says that maybe a child would be exactly what I need to get out of my own head. That seems like a silly reason to have a child though: "So, you guys decided to get pregnant?" "Yeah, we thought it may help Kim's mental troubles." "Oh, uh, congratulations."

Sometimes I wonder if my aversion to having children is because of this fear that I would pass on my "disordered genes." Honestly, after all I've been through and learned, I would have no clue what to do if my child had anorexia, or depression, or anxiety. I would feel at a loss. Anorexia is a beast of an illness. I wouldn't know how to tackle it. My parents have always been very loving and supportive. Sure, they said some of the wrong things at certain times, but they did and said way more that was right than was wrong. Still, they couldn't make it better. I was an adult when I developed anorexia. I was a stubborn thing. They couldn't force me to eat. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for them to watch me starve. I've read that anorexia is very inheritable, though they haven't pinpointed genes. It would worry me that my child would suffer. Plus, my almost-husband has his own issues with addiction. It's like if we had a child, we would have to forgo the college fund for the treatment/rehab fund. Um, no thanks.

Then, there's the fear that, even if I did want kids, I can't have them. I have no idea what kind of long-term damage I've done to my body over the years. Would I even be able to get pregnant after all the hormone craziness I've been through (current period strangeness is an example)? If I did get pregnant, would I be able to sustain the pregnancy? How would I feel about my ever-growing belly? Would I sob over it every night and then proceed to my next usual step -- beating myself up for being such a self-absorbed, mean, unworthy human being? I just don't know...

All I DO know is that I don't want a child right now. And I'm pretty sure I could feel completey fulfilled in life without a child. I would like a dog, at some point. Maybe two dogs, if I ever achieve my dream of having a yard. And I might like to travel, and keep writing stories and novels, and continue to chase my dream of watching every movie ever made...ever.

I wonder how others in recovery (or recovered) feel about having children. It seems that the people I know who have had eating disorders shy away from children. We are some of the smartest, funniest, most lovely people in the world, yet we don't want to reproduce. Why? Have our eating disorders made us this way? Or were we just never inclined that way to begin with? For me, I think it's a combo. I've never really enjoyed children. I don't coo at babies. I don't like to touch them or hold them. The anorexia is just the cherry on top of a very big life-without-kids sundae. How do you feel about having children?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. The "instant watch" feature on Netflix. I've become one with my laptop and my headphones, watching all kinds of foreign films and TV episodes.
2. My bonus! It magically appeared along with my paycheck today. Score!
3. Work! I got a freelance job yesterday and, while I'm busier with my regular job, I always like side projects, especially if they require me using my brain, which my job does not require much.
4. Avocados! I can't say enough about these. I should ask my friend, J, how she grew these suckers. They taste like buttah, baby, like buttah.
5. The mute button on my phone. It seems that half the phone meetings I'm invited to lately have nothing at all to do with me. The mute button comes in handy. I made an entire breakfast while on the phone yesterday.

Feeling strangely fine

Did someone shoot me with a tranquilizer? I feel oddly calm. Considering I am getting married NEXT FRIDAY, I don't really have much on my mind. All the logistics for the wedding are pretty much organized, though I am dreading shoving my beloved kitties in their crate and shipping them off to stay with the parents. Oh, the heartache! The Japan trip is planned enough to make the planner in me happy, but not so much that I'm neurotic and crazy-feeling. Friends who have been there have sent me all sorts of recommendations. Today, I got a link with some suggestions for food-related things to check out. I'm not at all anxious about the food -- is that weird? I'm excited to find/try:
-Tofu soft serve (I can't really imagine this, but I'm told it exists)
-Sushi for breakfast at an early morning fish market
-Mochi!
-Tofu donuts (again, no idea what these are, but I'm told they exist)
-Soba noodles
-Yatsuhashi, "a pillow-shaped sweet coated in cinnamon and filled with azuki bean paste "
-Kobe beef (when in Rome...right?)
-Okonomiyaki, a "Japanese pancake"
-Rice, rice, and more rice (I love the sticky kind)

My only quandary is whether to go to therapy on Friday or not. I don't really feel like I have much to say. I mean, I've had a couple panic days, when I wonder if my almost-husband is "the one" and I worry about our "issues" and I go down a neverending path of "what ifs?" But, in general, overall, I think I've got things in perspective. I'm doing well with this letting go thing. I'm having some faith. Most of the time, therapy reminds me that I need to express myself, but I've been doing that, which kind of nips any resentment or worry or whatever in the bud. Therapy tells me to accept myself, but I've been doing that too. I haven't had many self-attack thoughts lately. I'm eating pretty well. So...? She was out of town last week, and I had a meeting that conflicted with our usual time the week before. It's been 2 weeks. Maybe I'll just email her and see what she thinks. No point in overanalyzing it, right?

***
Today, I'm grateful for...
1. The sun. It's back. I've cracked the blinds and it's seeping in. An afternoon walk may be in order.
2. My file folder full of Japan recommendations, courtesy of friends and friends of friends.
3. Ripe avocados. My friend, J, gave me a few avocados from her home tree. They are nice and ripe. Avocados are a former fear food that I simply could not live without these days.
4. Online bill pay. I'm very far behind in the technology world. I've just figured out how to pay all my bills online. No more envelopes and writing checks. Does this mean I'm "going green"?
5. Whoever shot me with the tranquilizer.

I'm Just Not That Into Body Talk

With Eating Disorders Awareness Week coming up, I hope that the messages sent out are to make us aware of what eating disorders really are. They are not banal, passing problems caused by vain, superficial women trying to look like models and actresses. They are complex illnesses. This idea seems to get lost constantly, buried beneath pictures of too-thin celebrities who are allegedly responsible for the "anorexia phenomenon." Eyeroll. I take great offense to this insinuation that eating disorders are so trite.

While I agree that images of emaciated women are disturbing, they don't cause eating disorders. Also, images of "normal" women don't prevent eating disorders. What I'm about to say here goes a little against much of what I read in the blog world, but whatever. I keep reading posts celebrating "fleshy" actresses and criticizing thin ones. I'll use the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" as an example. Many people have written how they were turned off by skinny Jennifer Connelly and Jennifer Aniston, and relieved to see "curvy" Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore, and Ginnifer Goodwin. First of all, why are there so many people named Jennifer in this movie? Second of all, I wouldn't exactly call Scarlett, Drew, and Ginnifer "curvy." Third of all, there is nothing wrong with the other Jennifers being thin. Maybe they're just thin! Just because a woman is on the thin side does not mean she has disordered eating. I find it just as negative to bad-talk thin actresses as to bad-talk larger actresses. The focus is the same -- the female body. The tone is the same -- critical. The message is the same -- female bodies are something to be assessed and criticized. It would make me happier if we just didn't feel the need to write about the sizes and shapes of actresses. We don't know their genetics, their metabolisms, their food preferences and exercise routines. They're individuals. Scrutiny of women, no matter what their weight, adds fuel to the same fire. So, can we please just shut up about their figures and talk about their movies?

I would be happy in my recovery if I didn't have to read any blog posts about how "great" it is that "fleshier" actresses are on screen for us to make us feel better about ourselves. I would be happy in my recovery if attention wasn't drawn to thin actresses who are, supposedly, encouraging the thin ideal and driving teenagers to eating disorders (as if seeing a movie with the Jennifers causes anorexia. Puh-lease). These are just women. Leave them alone. Don't talk about them being too thin. Don't talk about them being curvy. Just don't talk about their bodies at all, please. Talk about their acting performances if you must talk about something. Or, hey, if you really want to be revolutionary, rank the actors in order of date-ability. Make them sex objects, of once. For the movie in question, here's my list:
1. Ben Affleck (DUH)
2. Justin Long
3. Kevin Connolly (even though I'm pretty sure I could step on him)
4. Bradley Cooper (this poor guy always gets cast as such a jackass)


***
Today's gratitude:
1. An empty office! I came in today to get everything I need to work at home on a more regular basis, and to set up my phone to forward all calls to my cell. It's eerie being here. I kind of like the quiet though. I may come in on random days, just for some alone time, as strange as that sounds. Husband-to-be is at home all day, and I don't know if we need to spend that many hours together!

2. Thoughts of Ben Affleck...

3. Bonus! I had my "annual review" today for work. No raises this year, but, strangely, I'm getting a small bonus. What the hell?

4. A working printer! I took advantage of my alone time in the office to print out my novel-in-progress -- all 200+ pages of it. Muahahahaha.

5. Rain, rain, rain. I used to fantasize about living in Seattle. Lately, the weather here is fulfilling that fantasy.

Lost cause, found.

I saw my friend, J, today (the one I knew in treatment and reunited with recently). Of course, we always talk a bit about our eating disorders. It would be odd not to. We both agreed that there was a point when we really just wanted to die, when we couldn't see a way out. Then we shook our heads, almost in disbelief. Was it really that bad?

Yes, it was.

This got me thinking about this paper my sister solicited me to write for her bioethics class (she's in nursing school and takes way too much advantage of my willingness to edit). The paper was about euthanasia. Apparently, in the Netherlands, euthanasia is legal. One of the guidelines states that, "the physician must be convinced the patient is facing unremitting and unbearable suffering." Based on this guideline, one physician euthanised a young woman struggling with anorexia. She said she was a lost cause. She said she could not see herself having any quality of life. She said she could not envision her life without an eating disorder. She said she wanted to die. And, so, they granted her wish.

I could have been that woman. There have been many times when I've thought I'm a lost cause, when I've thought I'm a "lifer" (someone who will just never really get better). I'm not a lost cause though. I have come very far in my recovery and, while I'm quite aware of anorexia peeking over my shoulder, whispering those not-so-sweet nothings, I'm also quite aware of my ability to not listen. I know that feeling -- of not being able to see life without the eating disorder, of wanting to die. I know it very intimately. And I feel for the family and friends of the woman who asked that her life be taken. I have a hard time believing she was a lost cause. I don't believe any of us are.

On that note, I'm going to make some linguini with ground turkey, sauteed veggies, and marinara. And then I'm going to decide on a dessert.

***
Today's gratitude:

1. Snow-capped mountains. This is quite a sight in California. I got to enjoy it for my 1 hour drive out to see J.

2. "Hold the..." Actually, no, hold that thought. I've decided to just stop adjusting things when I order food at restaurants. I have no food allergies. There is no need to remove something from a sandwich that the chef wants to put on there. After all, he's the expert, right? I don't like it when clients cut sections of copy I write, so he probably doesn't want me removing the aioli from his panini. At California Pizza Kitchen today, J got a salad, but I really wanted something WARM and HEARTY. I got the rosemary chicken sandwich on this thick, oily, wonderful foccacia bread, and a cup of some kind of pea/barley soup. It was absolutely perfect.

3. Generosity. I am, admittedly, very stingy. It's part of my anorexia, just something else in my bag of restrictive tricks. I have to say it felt really good to treat my friend today -- first to lunch, then to the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" (during which I did not roll my eyes once, and not because I was sleeping. It was actually very entertaining).

4. Rock of the 90's Weekend, courtesy of KROQ. I will always be a 90's rock girl. Weezer, Sponge, Nirvana, Pearl Jam. Give it to me, baby. This was perfect for my car time.

5. Friendship. As much as I like to think that I don't need to lean on others for reassurance, I do. I've been having marriage jitters. I've been wondering if the issues we have will get better. I've been wondering what will happen if they don't. I've been wondering how much couples are supposed to WORK at things. Should it be that hard? With all my fretting, J just said, "You have jitters. It's normal. It's just that most women are bridezillas and misplace their anxieties on flowers." Yes, I think she's right.

Rebellion

It's always been funny to me that people think of me as "sweet." Teachers/bosses/authority figures consider me the ideal student/employee/whatever. I'm compliant and reliable. I follow rules. But, inside, I'm often thinking, "Fuck you/this!"

This internal anger, this lack of congruency, this discrepancy between the exterior and the interior is a big part of my anorexia. Often, I think while I was born with the "anorexia gun," the trigger was pulled during a time in my life when I felt especially incongruent. I was supposed to go off to the University of Notre Dame, leaving California and everything I knew. Nobody was telling me I had to do this, but didn't I get straight A's in high school to go to a prestigious school? Isn't that what I was supposed to do? I didn't really want to go, but I went. Of course, the second I got there, I created a restricting monster. I kept up appearances -- got straight A's, fulfilled all the responsibilities of an 18-year-old kid. But, I lost weight. Eventually, I had to drop out, at the top of my class.

My anorexia feels very tantrum-esque. It feels very much like I'm a child, with thumbs in my ears, wiggling my fingers, and sticking out my tongue. Anorexia has been my way of cursing the world. I didn't think it consciously at the time, but much of the rush was from this thought: "So, thin is in? Check out this shit!"

In recovery, I'm getting better at expressing my honest feelings, even if it means sacrificing the "sweet" image. But, I still struggle. I still feel that pull toward rebelling. BUT, I've tried to shift my rebellion. I've tried to think of eating as rebellion. In a way, in this diet-obsessed culture, eating IS a rebellion. To all those people who think an apple is an adequate breakfast, who think hours in the gym is a way to live, I'll show you! That's what I think sometimes, as I'm eating my snacks and meals larger than I'd like. It's all I can do to counter the bad feelings of eating so much.

I look forward to the day when I won't feel any need to communicate via food, when I don't feel the need to "act out" by eating or not eating. I look forward to the day when food is JUST FOOD. I look forward to the day when I'm calm, free of this rebellious angst. I look forward to the day when I stop having something to prove -- to myself, to others.

***
Today's gratitude:

1. Socializing! I found my fingers typing an email to my friend, J (the one I know from treatment, who I reunited with recently), telling her that I'd love to go visit her this weekend. What the hell? This is so not me. But, I really want to hang out with her. I'm going to treat her to a movie and a meal (it's her birthday next week). It's a bit of a drive, but I'm craving some car time after working from home most of this week.

2. Hot lunches. Working from home means I get to experiment with lunches requiring a stovetop or oven, which is good because I get bored with my cold sandwiches and wraps. Pizzas, quesadillas, soups -- oh, the possibilities!

3. "Winter weather advisory." Those of us in Southern California have one of these right now. This cracks me up. This means it may get down to 40 degrees at night. And it may rain. We're wusses.

4. Yoga Journal. I got my new issue yesterday. Sometimes, I do yoga just to do it. It's boring and lame...sometimes. But, the articles remind me to play around more, to consider it fun. Yoga is the only real "exercise" I get. It's a leftover from the days when I dreamt of being a world-class gymnast. I don't really "get" the meditation component of it, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I just like to stretch. I want to be able to touch my toes when I'm 90.

5. Everquest II. I'm a huge nerd, courtesy of my almost-husband. He plays this computer game, and got me into it. My character is a male frog. Don't ask. Anyway, it's a good way to pass the time. There are "quests" for the accomplishment whore in me. And I get to bond with him when we play. Did I mention I'm a huge nerd?

Lady Luck

Today was one of the most bizarre-in-a-wonderful-way days I've had in a long time.

Toward the end of the work day, a meeting invite popped up in my inbox for a "staffing update" tomorrow morning at 9am. My thought was, "Ok, here come the layoffs." And, amazingly, I was totally fine with it. I was even thinking, "Maybe hubby and I can just go to Europe for a month, then deal with the real world and the crappy economy." I felt zero worry. I can't even express how weird this was for me. Shortly after accepting the meeting invite, I got an email from my boss (who works remotely, out in Oklahoma). He said that he wanted to call me on my cell after work to talk. I thought it was pretty much confirmed -- I was getting shit-canned. I could finally use the blog title, "I got laid...off." Done.

But, no.

He called. This is the story: Every one in my office here in California is getting laid off, except for me. I was completely speechless. First of all, I was the last one hired. Second of all, I have doubted that I really matter at this job. Apparently, I do. He said I've done such good work and the corporate powers-that-be have made their decision. He said that I can work from home the rest of the week, to avoid the survivor's guilt and inevitable awkwardness. Then, he went on to say that I can pretty much work from home whenever I want, considering the office will be empty. What the hell? What did I do to deserve this? Work from home most days?! No more tolerating the Mariah Carey playlists and excessive nut-crunching of my coworkers?! Are you kidding me?

And I keep coming back to this thought: What did I do to deserve this?

Anyway, as cliche as it sounds, I guess things work out for a reason. Also, I heard from my literary agent and an editor at a publishing house requested an exclusive read of my novel. Is luck in my corner or what? I should go to Vegas...

To top it all off, I made the best parmesan roasted red potatoes and chicken/swiss/mushroom/onion paninis for dinner. And I had dessert, too.

It couldn't have been a better day. There were enough gratitudes tonight to fill me up for a week.

I really can't say what I did to deserve this, but I'm not as unsure as I've been in the past that I DO deserve it.

Some food questions

I've been asking myself some questions about my food fears, wants, and preferences lately and I'd like to ask you too :)

1. What is a food you remember loving as a child but don't eat anymore? Why don't you eat it anymore?
2. What foods have made it off your "fear list" and onto your "safe list"?
3. Is there a particular food you want on your "safe list" that isn't?
4. What foods do you simply not like (and wish that people would stop bugging you about eating, thinking that you not eating them is part of your ed)?
5. Describe your ideal food philosophy.
6. When was the last time you ate in a social context and the conversation was more important than the food?
7. What is your most recent food feat?
8. What recent meal are you most proud of?
9. What do you think "normal eating" is?
10. What are some food preferences that make you YOU?

My answers:

1. Macaroni and cheese, with the cheese that either came as a bright orange powder or as a bright orange glob of something (oh how I would squeeze every last bit of it from the package). I used to love leftovers for breakfast. Weird. I admit to craving this sometimes, but in comes the ed, criticizing the ingredient list, fretting over all the preservatives and things I can't pronounce. Interestingly, I'll "allow" myself organic mac and cheese (this is a weird phase in the evolution of my anorexia), even if the calories are the same. Still, restriction is restriction, in my opinion...so I'm trying to work on this.

2. In short, lots. I don't really eat fat free or low fat anything anymore. I LOVE pizza. Actually, I love cheese in general. I'm still a little afraid of how much I love cheese, but whatever. I love real ice cream (again, the paragraph of ingredients on the light ice cream is kind of a turn off to me). I used to avoid nuts as if I had some kind of allergy to them, but I eat them almost daily now. I love peanut butter. I can do regular butter (though still hard at times). I'll eat cookies (if I bake them or if they're somewhat natural-ish). Bring on eggs, yolks included (though that little white thing in them does make me queasy, which is why I prefer someone else cook them).

3. Juice! For some reason, I still have a "thing" about consuming calories as liquids. I think, "Duh, I'd rather enjoy this calorie-consuming crap. Juice is just there, and then it's gone." However, I have entered a hot chocolate phase, and I think that's progress. I also really like mango juice so I'm dabbling with that. Also, I'd like to be back on solid footing with french fries. Anything fried is still not easy for me.

4. Raw fish/sashimi. Gross. I tried this once and almost barfed at the sushi bar. What else? Beef and pork. I just don't like the texture. I didn't grow up eating it and I've never had a taste for it. It has nothing to do with my eating disorder. Also, I don't like cake. Seriously. I like pie. I like brownies. I like cupcakes. I just don't like cake. It's something to do with the texture and the too-sweet frosting. I do, however, like ice cream cake. I had to taste cakes for my wedding and I went with a chocolate chip thing. If that's unconventional, I don't care. Traditional cake bores me.

5. Mostly, I don't want to fear any particular food. I'm fine with having preferences. I'm fine with being picky. I just don't want to feel like a food has control over me. Like if I'm in a social situation and fried chicken is the only choice, I want to be able to say, "Ok, it's just food" and deal (as opposed to having a panic attack). Maybe I'll never want fried chicken on my own accord, but I don't want to be afraid of it. I have enough "normal" fears (heights, crowded rooms, snakes); I don't need to fear fried chicken.

6. I would have to say that I had this very strange moment this past weekend, while out at the Greek restaurant with my friend, when I thought, "OH MY GOD, I'm totally listening to what she's saying and I haven't even noticed that my souvlaki is almost gone!" It was one of those amazing moments.

7. My most recent feat is not measuring. I think measuring is a big red flag for me. It screams out that I don't trust myself. I'm trying to trust myself more. Maybe I'm a little under or a little over. I have to believe it doesn't really matter.

8. Well, I'm always proud when I make chicken tortilla soup because it's damn good. I'm also proud of my homemade calzones. And my lasagnas. Those things take effort. Still, I'm awfully proud when I can crack open a can of chili on a lazy night.

9. I don't think there is any such thing as "normal." It's relative. For me, it would be "normal" (aka healthy) if I could be conscious of how much I need to eat, and make sure to eat that much. Once I have some trust again between my body and my brain, it would be "normal" if I could listen to my body's signals and eat accordingly, even if the choices aren't balanced or structured or whatever. It would be "normal" for me to be able to feed myself in almost any food situation, without having too much fear or even energy about the food before me. It would be "normal" for me to see food as JUST FOOD and put my brain energy toward something else.

10. Ok, I don't like vegetables. I know this sounds very strange coming from an anorexic person, but I hate them. Cauliflower gives me the chills. When I was in treatment, we had the opportunity to designate a couple foods as "off limits." Most people chose butter and the like. I chose vegetables. I just hate them. I should clarify -- I hate them in their raw form. If they are sauteed or in pasta or on a pizza, I'm good. Love 'em. But, raw... NO. This means I also hate salads, unless they have chicken or turkey or beans or a really good dressing (full fat, please) to distract me from rabbit fodder. Interestingly, I don't like peas, but I do like frozen peas. What else? I like things soggy. I'll let my cereal sit in milk for 10 minutes. I'll leave eggs atop toast until the toast is mush. None of this has anything to do with my eating disorder. They're just quirks. Also, when presented with a bag of chips, I like to reach all the way down to the bottom of the bag and snag the ones with the "chip dust" coating them. Mmmm...

YOUR TURN. GO.

***Today's gratitude:

1. Getting to work before everyone else. I didn't even intend for this. I woke up without the alarm (I was that rested), I took my time with breakfast and whatnot. Somehow, I still was the first to the office when I waltzed in at 8:30. I plan on implying that I got here at 7:30 so I can leave at 4:30. I'm smart like that.

2. Hail! Yes, balls of ice dropped from the skies above southern California yesterday. I'm pondering a trip to the mountains this weekend to make snow angels and have reason to use the fireplace.

3. Lunch-time car naps. My lunch breaks consist of me in my car, listening to talk radio and/or reading, but lately, I've also been taking cat naps. They feel oh so good, and this scarf of mine doubles as a great eye mask.

4. The song "Mr. Blue Sky" by ELO. I don't know why this song makes me so happy.

5. The show "30 Rock." I don't actually watch TV, so I'm very behind. I just get seasons of shows on DVD. I'm liking this one so far, and so does husband-to-be. Laughing with him is a main reason I'm marrying the guy.

Say "Yes!"

There is nothing I enjoy more than going to a movie alone. Since I don't enjoy spending $11.50 to go to the theater, I usually resign myself to Netflix for my cinematic entertainment. Then, I discovered the dollar theater a few blocks from where I live. The movies actually cost $1.50, but I guess calling it the "dollar fifty theater" isn't as catchy. Anyway, I had a completely free afternoon after stocking up on groceries and going on a cleaning rampage at home, so I went to see "The Yes Man." Jim Carrey movies are not my usual fare, but I don't really discriminate when it comes to movies at the theater. I like the darkness, the air conditioning, the previews. I'll go see almost anything...if it costs $1.50.

The premise of the movie is that Jim Carrey is a guy who says "No" to everything -- to relationships, to invites, to life. He's reclusive and antisocial (hm, reminds me of someone). He joins this program that is all about saying "Yes" to everything, as a way to be open to new experiences. Of course, being Jim Carrey, he takes this too far, but it all ends happily. And, of course, I had to relate the movie to recovery.

I started thinking about what would happen if I said "Yes" to all the things I normally say "No" to -- lunch dates, dinner dates, parties, a $75 pair of jeans. Don't get me wrong -- I think recovery is very much about learning to say "No" (and being able to tolerate the disappointment of others and rest assured that you don't totally suck). BUT, I also think it's about saying "Yes." I have so many knee-jerk "No" responses. If a friend calls me on Friday to do something on Saturday, I say "No." I don't like spontaneity. I am convinced my brain needs at least a week to "process" a social event. I automatically say "No" to the work lunches because 1) I don't like my coworkers and 2) I'd just rather avoid any potential food anxiety. When it comes to shopping, if I want to buy something, but it's more than, oh, $1.50, I say "No" because I can think of a billion reasons why I should save the money (like I might get in a car accident and have my leg amputated. Those fake legs are very expensive). In short, I think I say "No" to things that challenge the me that is restrictive and rigid.

Maybe this is it: Recovery is about learning to say "Yes" to to things you are compelled to say "No" to, and "No" to the things you are compelled to say "Yes" to.

It doesn't seem to make much sense, which is probably why recovery "feels wrong" so often. I've told myself so many rules. I've made them Gospel. Going against them feels counterintuitive, but it may be exactly what I need to get back to who I really am. I don't have any grand, sweeping initiatives with this. I assume there are "Yes"/"No" scenarios on a daily basis. Recently, I've said "Yes" to the question of "Will you marry me?" I've said "Yes" to a big honeymoon. I've also said "Yes" to not measuring my shredded cheese in my quesadillas. What are you saying "Yes" and "No" to? I'm curious :)

***
Today's gratitude:
1. 409, Pledge, Comet. I don't know how I would clean without this crap. I'm convinced that inhaling the fumes that result from the combination of these kills my brain cells, but who needs brain cells?

2. Feather boas and sparkly tiaras. Last night, my friend, Carol, threw me an impromptu 2-person bachelorette party involving the movie "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" and dinner at my favorite Greek restaurant. She made me wear a pink feather boa and a tiara that lights up, with the words "Bride to Be." It's kind of nice to feel ridiculous sometimes.

3. A stocked fridge. I have a love/hate relationship with having so many choices, but I think choice is ultimately good. And, if I'm afraid of things going bad, I tell myself that anything can be frozen (except for ricotta cheese -- tried that. Fail).

4. The purse my sister gave me. This year, on my birthday, my husband-to-be and my sister both got me a purse. Oops. Today, the strap on husband-to-be's purse broke. I knew there had to be a reason for 2 purses this year.

5. Ear plugs. These things are sacred to me. Apparently, after I went to bed last night, husband-to-be ordered a pizza, a pizza man came to my door, there was some kind of search for a wallet in the bedroom, AND the neighbors upstairs had a human head rolling around in their dryer (or that's what husband-to-be says it sounded like)...and I didn't hear a thing.

It has to get easier.

One of my favorite movies is "Lost in Translation." There's this scene I think about pretty often. Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) and Bob (Bill Murray) are talking about life and Charlotte says, "Does it get easier?" I love Bob's response:

"Yes. It gets easier. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."

It seems that much of life is not about circumstance, but about perspective. Not much has changed in my life in the past couple weeks. My job is still boring and I may get laid off soon (and I have the perfect blog title for that day -- "I just got laid...off"). Marriage still scares me, mostly because life and all its uncertainties scare me, and I feel some sense of responsibility for "making things perfect" for not just myself, but my husband. I still have eating behaviors that are...quirky. BUT, I feel much better than a couple weeks ago. And my only explanation is that I feel a little more connected to who I am and what I want.

Here's the thing -- I know that, despite anorexia calling me stupid and hopeless, I am competent and smart, and any employer will be lucky to have me. I'm resourceful. If I lose my job, I'll find another one. I have a crazy knack of making things work. I'll be fine. I know that. I know that I don't like "change" (even when it's for the better). I know "letting go" is hard for me (even if it's worth it). In embracing that, all the energy about it seems to have dissipated. Lately, I have had zero anxiety about getting married and merging. Zero. Strangely, I feel like I am letting go. Same with my eating. I was beating myself up for not being able to "eat intuitively." Well, screw it, I'm not THERE yet. I have to be pretty vigilant about what I eat because I need to eat a lot. End of story. I'm thankful for the times when I can eat spontaneously, but on the days I need the comfort and structure of my meal plan, I'm ok with that too. Having come to that conclusion, I've noticed myself reaching into a bag of chocolate-covered raisins somewhat frequently and somewhat mindlessly, which is a pretty big accomplishment for me.

It's just not that complicated, or it doesn't have to be. I guess this is what my therapist means when she says that recovery is about acceptance.

***
Today's gratitude:

1. Rain! We don't get much of it in California. I still fantasize about living somewhere else, somewhere with seasons. But, I'm happy where I am too.

2. The ability to say NO. I told my old job that I didn't want to go back. My gut said no. It felt like there would be lots of overtime and travel involved. And, in addition to that, I was getting this guilt trip, this sense that if I went back, I would be expected to stay. Forever. No, thank you. I know they're not happy with me for "leading them on," but I've been sleeping just fine, which tells me I'm totally ok with them being upset. And, on that note...

3. Sleep! I've been sleeping so well lately. I wake up and feel like I'm coming back from a very far away place. I have to think hard about what day it is. That's strange for me. Normally, my waking worries are not far from my brain.

4. Netflix. I can't seem to watch enough movies. Dorky confession: I keep a database with every movie I've ever seen and my star rating for it. Last night, I watched "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." I gave it 3 stars.

5. My job. Yes, I'm going to say I'm grateful for my job. I'm sick of complaining about it. I will make it work for me. I'm lucky to be employed. I'll do the best work I can, and I'll take advantage of the "working from home" thing as much as possible.

Who are you without it?

As a follow-up to my last post, I started thinking about who I am without the eating disorder -- you know, all those positive, peachy traits that deserve feeding :)

• I'm curious. There are so many things I want to know. Life seems difficult sometimes, but it's not really boring to me. There are so many things to do when I'm free of the grasp of anorexia. There are books to read and movies to see. Things like that excite the homebody in me. But, there are also places I'd like to go, things that lure out the homebody. I can be excited about life, when I want to be. I can be passionate and enthusiastic, when I want to be.
• I can appreciate the little things -- like a new episode of "The Office," or the arrival of a Netflix DVD, or a purring cat, or a bath, or a good night's sleep, or peanut butter, or a pair of cute shoes.
• I'm pretty smart. Yes, I have blonde moments, like the other day when I had to divide 400 by 20 and for some reason I blurted out, "8." Seriously though, I'm smart. I learn fast. I can do anything I put my mind to (and I'm trying to use that energy and ability in a positive way).
• I'm funny. Or, this is what people tell me. They usually don't know I'm funny until they get to know me. Until I trust you, I am very sweet and demure and virtually mute. Once I trust you, I will make you bear witness to all my strange viewpoints on the world. For some reason, you laugh and you call me things like, "witty." I'll take that.
• I'm sensitive. You know, my dad used to say "you're too sensitive." Too sensitive for what? Sure, I'm emotional, but if I wasn't, I probably wouldn't be able to create characters in my novels. I can imagine feelings. I can put myself in situations and feel their impact. Beyond my stories, I am pretty in tune with people in real life. I understand when they're "going through something." I guess my radar is always up, but I consider it a positive (most of the time).
• I have a strong conscience. In short, I'm a good person. I don't really give much of a shit about "going green" and saving the whales. Caring about the larger humanity is a little beyond me, but I'm very good to the people in my immediate life. I love them. I try to make sure they know it. Oh, but I do recycle.
• I will be a super wife. I enjoy doing laundry. I make mean tuna melts on lazy weekend days. I can organize a trip in no time (you should see my Japan itinerary). I make sure we don't run out of postage stamps or garbage bags. I take care of dust bunnies. I remember doctor appointments and family birthdays. I enjoy Will Ferrell movies and play computer games. Yeah, I rock that way.
• I'm a good employee. This is probably because I have a strong conscience. I am so ridiculously responsible, it's annoying sometimes. I won't miss a deadline. I won't turn in something until it's "perfect" in my mind. I play nice in the sandbox. Co-workers seem to like me, even if I want to kill them. I probably don't really have to worry about being unemployed for any length of time (though I assure you I will anyway).

Those are just a few that come to mind. I'd invite you to toot your own horns as well. Come on, please! I have read so many of your blogs and been so affected by your honesty, your wisdom, your humor, your warmth, your kindness, and your brilliance. It's sad to me to think that people like us are "disappearing." Anyway, please feel free to share all those things you are without the eating disorder. It doesn't own you :)

***
Today's gratitude:

1. Appetite. I've been ravenously hungry lately, ever since getting everything out in the open with my marriage fears. Coincidence? I think not. It's like now that the emotions are out, I have room for food. Lots of room, apparently. My almost-husband joked, "Are you pregnant?" Oh, hell, don't even go there.

2. Choice. I used to hate choice. I mean, I could spend an hour in a pasta aisle deliberating over marinara sauces. Choice is paralyzing, or it can be. But, I'm trying to see it as freeing -- not just with food, but with life. Yes, there are millions of things I can eat, but I don't have to let that be a stress. Just pick something, and move on. I had my interview yesterday with my former employer and my gut tells me it's not right to go back. It felt like going back to an old boyfriend. There was that wonderful nostalgic feeling, but also the blaring warnings in the back of my head, telling me that the reasons I left would probably be reasons I'd be miserable if I went back.

3. Co-worker's absence. One of my co-workers is "working from home" (the bitch!), but I don't mind when she's gone. She's the one who has line of sight on my covert reading at work. I feel freedom to read to my heart's content now. Still, I would prefer if the co-worker playing the Mariah Carey was "working from home."I can only take so many octaves at 9am.

4. www.savethewords.org/ For a word-obsessed person like myself, how cool is this? I'm trying to decide what word(s) to "adopt."

5. My purple nail polish. It's pretty, and it deters me from biting my nails (though I admit I still do sometimes and am punished with the bitter taste in my mouth).

How it changes you

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Post Secret?

This postcard really touched me today:



This got me thinking about how my eating disorder has changed me. Sure, the physical starvation has done a number, but it's not just that. The rules and standards that anorexia demands change the mind, and that's the real tragedy. Warm, loving, connected people become cold, harsh, distant. At my worst, I didn't give a shit about anyone else. I was completely in my own world (sorry, family and friends). Now, I feel more compassion (for myself and others) and I can think beyond myself (usually), but I still have remnants of anorexia. I'm not talking about the food behaviors of anorexia (though I do have some of those), but the other stuff. When I'm critical of others, that's anorexia. Anorexia's commitment to perfection has made me less-than-tolerant of imperfection...and imperfection is LIFE.

How has your eating disorder changed you? I don't mean this to be an exercise in negativity; I just think it's humbling to think about who we are when under the control of the eating disorder (and, conversely, who we are when free).

Life with anorexia has made me:

• Isolated
• Judgmental
• Cranky/crabby/edgy (and any other adjective synonymous with "bitch")
• Impatient
• Sad
• Hopeless
• Depressed
• Antisocial
• Confused
• Confusing
• Unfeeling
• Unforgiving
• Unsympathetic
• Bitter
• Lost
• Obsessive
• Compulsive
• Worrisome
• Anxious
• Volatile
• Hidden
• Small
• Misunderstood
• Alone

That list is a reason to keep eating.

***

Today's gratitude:

1. Orangette! Check it out at: http://orangette.blogspot.com/ I'm not really into food sites. I think I spent too many years drooling over food pictures (food porn!) that now it doesn't interest me much. I just love the way she writes. And I love how she puts food into its proper perspective. It is part of life, but it has the ability to really enhance life. Though I'm too lazy to try her recipes, they do look good.

2. My interview today. Yes, I'm interviewing back at my old job, which feels kind of weird, but whatever. I know I left there for a reason, so I'm going to try to listen to my intuition and see if it feels "right" to go back. All I know is that I'm not fulfilled where I'm at. I'm bored. Like I said, this will be a good chance to test my gut instinct. I've already told myself that I'm not committing to anything TODAY. I know my anxiety sometimes makes me act on impulse, so I'm keeping that at bay.

3. A long, hot shower.

4. Chocolate-covered raisins. I forgot I had these. I found them in my pantry last night and had some.

5. Peace with my almost-husband. I think we're over our respective insecurities. We're ready to just talk about everything, no matter the discomfort, and work as a team. I guess that's what marriage is, right?

Use your words and eat your food.

That's a title my mom and I came up with when pondering the idea of writing a book about anorexia and recovery. See, with anorexia, we often use our food and eat our words. Recovery demands reversing that.

If anorexia is biological, if it's hard-wired into me, how do I "get over it"? When anxiety comes, anorexia is my coping mechanism. When I have trouble expressing myself, when I'm repressing feelings to avoid conflict, I make myself smaller, literally. That's how I've operated for years. Changing these patterns is difficult, especially when, like I said, it's hard-wired into me. I've come to accept that stress may equate with "losing my appetite," but I've also come to accept that I don't have to give in to the equation. And I can find ways to cope with anxiety in other ways. And I can express myself and my feelings, despite conflict. In short, I can give the eating disorders less points of entry.

I'm still having a hard time stepping on land mines with my almost-husband. I feel like the message I'm getting is, "Of course I want you to be open and share your thoughts and feelings, unless those thoughts and feelings are going to make me feel bad." The thing is that I know I can't censor. I can't adjust what I share based on how I think another person will interpret it. It's like with every sentiment I don't utter, a hundred calories are cut back. It's like every time I tell myself that I'm not "allowed" to feel a certain way, I think that I may as well just disappear. I'm sick of it. I feel how I feel. I am who I am. At least, that's the "hear me roar" attitude I have on same days. Other days, I just want to cower because, seriously, conflict terrifies me.

I know I have to speak up though. I can't use food to speak for me anymore. I'll lose myself completely if I do that and, ultimately, I'll destroy my relationship. Not eating as a way to express myself is passive aggressive. It comes with a shitload of resentment that is Kryptonite to even the most Superman of marriages.

Use your words and eat your food. That's my little mantra for today.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. The Super Bowl is over. Football is over. Fantasy football teams are over. Sorry, I just don't get football. I did enjoy the special episode of "The Office" after the game though.

2. Groundhog Day. Yep, it's today. This day makes me smile, because it makes me think of Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day." I love Bill Murray.

3. My iPod. I cannot, for the life of me, make sense of my coworkers' music tastes. One of them seems to prefer soft jazz, of the dental office variety. Half the day, I feel like I'm about to get my teeth cleaned. The other one is caught in some kind of late nineties void. If I hear "Hero" by Mariah Carey one more time... well, I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably just listen to my iPod. Also, she seems to "bring sexy back" every morning at 9:47am. I don't understand. I have Bob Dylan to soothe me though.

4. Books at work. I have a huge purse. It's perfect as a barricade behind which I place books that I read secretly. I just finished "What is the What" by Dave Eggers, and I'm starting "The Human Stain" by Philip Roth today. In addition to French movies, I also love books. They are my biggest nonessential expense in life.

5. Waking up before the alarm. Two minutes before the alarm, to be exact. My body just knows. It's so smart, when I let it do its thing.

Have a wonderful day!
(PS That "have a wonderful day" is part of me fakin' it 'til I make it, because I really feel rather blah. Am I faking well?)