On the eve of Christmas

Confession: I'm a heathen. I wasn't raised with any particular religion. My parents are both very science-minded people who weren't raised with any religion themselves. It's a long line of heathens with us :) My parents took us to Christmas Eve service for a few years, but it seemed like more of an appetizer-activity, the precursor to the Christmas Eve dinner and the traditional opening-of-one-gift-the-night-before-Christmas. We watched "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" and drank hot chocolate out of snowman mugs too. I remember the singing in Church, how it gave me goosebumps. I remember the "peace be with you; and also with you" exchange, the hugs with strangers, the warmth in the room. I liked it, but I didn't feel any connection to Christianity itself. And apart from Christmas time, I didn't think about going to Church.

That changed a bit when I was diagnosed with anorexia. After I came home from college, I remember how I started to ride my bike to the Church down the street for services. I wanted God to tell me how to be happy and healthy again. What turned me off was one sermon, just one, right before Christmas. This was during a particularly bad California drought and rain was in the forecast. The pastor asked us to pray that it wouldn't rain on the Christmas manger scene they'd set up outside. I never went back to Church after that. I thought the thirsty hillsides were a bit more important than the plastic Bible figures, and that was that.

Still, even though I don't feel connected to the religious meaning of Christmas, it's taken on different meanings for me over the years. As a kid, it was all about the gifts, of course. As an adult, this is far from a priority. I like the reprieve, the rest from work, the chance to visit with family and friends. To me, Christmas is a time for quiet reflection. I still like to bake cookies or watch Christmas movies, but I mostly like the quiet. There is this sense of craziness and urgency leading up to the day. That is obvious if you go anywhere near a Target in the month of December. But, on Christmas Day, everything is quiet. Stores are closed and the world just seems to slow down for a bit. That's what I like about Christmas.

Sadly, for the better (or worse) part of a decade, worrying about food was the central part of the holiday for me. I remember what a production it was for me in the very beginning of my illness. I remember how my parents had to basically hold my hand as we went to my Aunt and Uncle's house, with a cooler containing my "safe food." This seems so weird to me now.

Now, when there's a holiday meal, I think about what food will be served, probably more than a "normal" person would, but I don't really stress out about it as much anymore. I'm able to see it as just one meal and, even if it's not my ideal meal, I try to get through it. Of course, "getting through it" is kind of a shitty end goal, if you ask me. I'd like to enjoy it, at least a little bit. And I admit that I'm still not great at enjoying meals that I didn't make or choose. I can always find something "wrong" or rule-breaking about those meals. Sometimes, it's just a taste issue. I genuinely dislike Thanksgiving food, for example. I've never had any desire to partake in green beans, stuffing, gravy, or cranberry sauce. But, other times, I know it's not just a taste issue.

We're going to Larry's mom's house for a Christmas breakfast. Two of my least favorite food words were mentioned -- casserole and Bisquick. I've never been much of a casserole person. My sister doesn't like food "all mashed together" and I'm a bit this way as well. I also don't like boxed mixes of anything. I realize this is probably some kind of restrictive thing. My eating disorder has definitely evolved over the years. I'm not really sure what it is now. It doesn't feel like anorexia as much as it feels like OCD or orthorexia or something along those lines. Whatever it is, I don't feel like I'm as relaxed about food as I was pre-anorexia. Pre-anorexia, I was picky, but I wasn't uneasy around food. I knew what I liked, ate that, and didn't think much of it. My sister is still this way. She's picky, but she doesn't have it in her head that it's any sort of problem, so there's no mental energy about it. She just throws a couple rolls with butter on her plate and shrugs off her dislike of everything else. Food's been so loaded for me that I've sort of lost track of what's acceptable in terms of having "preferences"; and, more importantly, I've lost track of if they're truly preferences, or part of some rule system in my head. In any case, I don't lose sleep in anticipation of holiday meals anymore. I try to make the best of it (and I'm a big fan of having snacks in my purse).

What foods make you anxious this time of year? What foods do you truly dislike? What foods can you say you really enjoy?

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, enjoying it in whatever way is meaningful for you.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. Last day of work for the decade!

2. Holiday break: See Larry's family, see my family, celebrate my grandma's 80th birthday, go to therapy, see my friend before she moves to France (!) for a year, Vegas (Black Eyed Peas! Lion King!), catch up with my friend-of-15-years while she's in town, watch movies, sleep, take walks, bake, find a new yoga podcast, write a little if I'm so inclined, read. I can't wait!

3. We've been letting the cats in to sleep with us since one of them has been persistently clawing at the door at ungodly hours. The first night, they tried to sit on our faces and purr, but they've been good the last couple nights. I'm so happy to sleep well!

4. Remember the co-worker's wife I met at the office party? Well, I sent her an email to see if she wanted to get together sometime. She said yes :)

5. I've been really good about giving my body a break lately. It's hard to find any support for NOT exercising in the blogosphere. In fact, I'd say there is this emphasis on overexercising on some of the "health" blogs. I'm getting over my laziness complex though.