Back to good

I admit I have not been in good spirits for a couple weeks, but I seem to have done a 180. I'm back to thinking life ain't so bad, and wondering why/how I was so down. It seems like my down-ness is really related to worrying about what others think of me -- family, friends, co-workers, etc. It's some kind of self-imposed pressure. When I free myself from it, or just see that it's silly, my bad mood seems to disappear as fast as it appeared.


Our company holiday party was on Friday. I wasn't really looking forward to this, as most social events bring stress for me. It was at our boss's house, which was beautiful by HGTV (and my) standards. Within ten minutes, I remembered that, yes, I do know how to do this, "this" being "socialize with human beings." I don't know why I get so hard on myself. I'm actually a good conversationalist (and this is without booze involved). I talked to one of our co-worker's wives for a long time and found myself thinking, "If this chick wanted to do lunch, I'd totally go," which is sort of a big deal for me. When the dinner line started, I wasn't even nervous. I had some salmon (because, for whatever reason, fish does not seem to bother me and I'm fine with being a pescaterian, or whatever), pasta, potatoes and veggies. We sat at the dining table, where there were toasts and gag gifts and regular gifts. We intended to leave early, but we stayed until 9. I wasn't itching to get out of there either. It was -- dare I say? -- fun.


The next day, we went to see the couples therapist. We don't really have many couple issues lately and, since I haven't been able to see my therapist, it was more of a Kim-focused session. This therapist is very different from any I've ever seen. He doesn't specialize in eating disorders, and that doesn't seem to matter to me right now. Whatever remnants of anorexia are left in my life, they seem more a symptom of some other, deeper issues than anything else. These other, deeper issues involve caring what others think, adhering to rules and "shoulds," clinging to this idea of "being normal," seeking approval from every single person I meet, ever. It's an exhausting way to live. It feels like chasing after something ever-elusive, some mysterious reward or recognition. I like this therapist because he talks a lot about my writing career, which is a big part of who I am, but one I tend to avoid discussing because the reality of not having a novel published after this many years of trying is very sad for me. Anyway, I'll be going back for an appointment next weekend. The goal for me in therapy right now seems to be to find some trust and confidence in myself, to enjoy a bit more.


Somewhere along the way, I forgot about the simple concept of enjoyment. I stopped looking inside myself and began looking, frantically, for something outside myself to tell me the "right" way to live. It scares me to think there is no "right" way. We just have a certain number of years, then it's done, and there's no grand purpose. A friend of mine read a smattering of my short stories recently and said, "You know, a lot of your stories, even the funny ones, talk about death." I never realized this before, but I think it's something that does loom in my subconscious quite often. We have such a short time, and the maximizer in me wants to make it "the best." I'm afraid of getting it wrong.


Sorry if that was a bit out there. I'm tired. The cats keep waking us up before dawn.


I'm off to meet a friend for coffee in a few minutes. All that angst I had about getting out in the world seems to have dissipated. We had brunch with my good friend and her husband today. I had zero anxiety about that. Go figure. I know I'm introverted, but I do enjoy people. I have to remember this ;)


I'm even looking forward to Christmas, or at least baking pumpkin oatmeal raisin cookies (a new recipe I'm trying) and chocolate chip cookies, and watching my favorite Christmas movies ("Scrooged," "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," "Elf," "A Christmas Story," even "Bad Santa").


What are your favorite Christmas cookies and movies?


***
Today's gratitude:

1. Short work week coming up!


2. My appetite is raging ever since the therapy session. Oh, the power of therapy. It'd been kind of blah there for a while.


3. Hair cut! I needed a trim. Lawrence did too, so we had a couples hair cut. I know, you can gag. I almost did. But, it was necessary. He's growing his hair long and it was getting sort of out of control. When I asked my hair dresser if it was hard to cut a guy's hair when it's that long, she said, "No, it's just like cutting a girl's hair at that point." Ha.


4. Clean house, clothes, towels, sheets. Makes me happy.


5. Wearing t-shirts in December. Yes, I like the occasional cold snap, but California weather is just so beautiful.