I have beef with that Alanis Morissette song. A black fly in your Chardonnay is not ironic; it's unfortunate. It would only be ironic if you said, "Man, it's so great that there's no black fly in this Chardonnay," and then one landed in there.
Anyway...
I was just thinking yesterday, "I am such a slacker blogger lately." Then I got this e-mail saying that I was one of the 2010 Top Eating Disorder blogs. That's ironic. I guess you guys voted for me. I wasn't even aware that this existed, so I certainly didn't vote for myself 200 times.
So, thank you!
I keep wanting to apologize for not posting much lately. But, then I wonder why I'm apologizing, or why I feel like I'm failing somehow. I'm just busy. I'm sure I'll be back in regular form soon. Until then...
***
Today's gratitude:
1. My mind is busy with ideas for a writing blog/site.
2. I have not imploded from work stress. It was very touch-and-go there for a few days on the implosion front.
3. I'm really enjoying "The Girl Who Played with Fire."
4. "Mad Men" Season 4 starts this Sunday!
5. Summer is definitely here.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Recovery: Dad's perspective
My Dad and I had a nice talk on my way home from work yesterday. He assured me that he was working on the responses to my questions. I don’t really talk to him that much about my eating disorder these days, so it was good to kind of catch up on what we both think about recovery. I think he knows me pretty damn well. Here are his answers:
Me: In your opinion, what do people mean when they say they are "fully recovered"?
Him: If a person is truly anorexic, I do not believe that they would ever say they are "fully recovered". Anorexia encompasses too many facets in a person’s life to ever be totally rid of it. To be recovered is to recognize your disease and respect it - understand the situations that may trigger your behavior and come up with healthy ways of dealing with it. So to answer your question - I think that if someone says they are fully recovered then I would be a little suspicious.
Me: What are the criteria for recovery, by your definition?
Him: My definition of recovery is to be able to live a life that is free from the feeling of having or wanting to restrict. By looking in the mirror and actually thinking that you like that person that you're looking at. Recovery means being able to share life with others and enjoying it. You can laugh at yourself and feel good about yourself. When these things come together along with dealing with other issues then the ultimate goal will be attainable which is sustainable weight gain.
Me: How have your expectations regarding recovery changed over the years?
Him: I have realized that recovery is a process and there are no quick fixes.
Me: What would you like to see me continue to achieve in recovery?
Him: I would like to see you continue to grow in your knowledge about yourself and life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, so embrace it and just live without thinking too much about what others may think. Improved self esteem will do this.
Me: Do you think there is an endpoint with anorexia, a time when you could say, "Kim is totally done with that"?
Him: I think you can be "done" with it although I think you will always have some OCD type of behavior.
Me: How does your opinion about the genetic component of anorexia affect your view of recovery?
Him: I believe that genetics have a large part with being anorexic. I also believe that recovery can be made for most anorexics although some have a much tougher time perhaps from outside factors.
And then he ended the email with this: “That's it Kim - I think you're doing great but you shouldn't care what I think - haha. Have a good night. Love Da”
Love you too, Dad!
***
Today’s gratitude:
1. The sun is out again!
2. I'm having fun doing my sister's baby shower invites.
3. Busy work day = fast work day.
4. Daydreaming.
5. Hot tea.
Me: In your opinion, what do people mean when they say they are "fully recovered"?
Him: If a person is truly anorexic, I do not believe that they would ever say they are "fully recovered". Anorexia encompasses too many facets in a person’s life to ever be totally rid of it. To be recovered is to recognize your disease and respect it - understand the situations that may trigger your behavior and come up with healthy ways of dealing with it. So to answer your question - I think that if someone says they are fully recovered then I would be a little suspicious.
Me: What are the criteria for recovery, by your definition?
Him: My definition of recovery is to be able to live a life that is free from the feeling of having or wanting to restrict. By looking in the mirror and actually thinking that you like that person that you're looking at. Recovery means being able to share life with others and enjoying it. You can laugh at yourself and feel good about yourself. When these things come together along with dealing with other issues then the ultimate goal will be attainable which is sustainable weight gain.
Me: How have your expectations regarding recovery changed over the years?
Him: I have realized that recovery is a process and there are no quick fixes.
Me: What would you like to see me continue to achieve in recovery?
Him: I would like to see you continue to grow in your knowledge about yourself and life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, so embrace it and just live without thinking too much about what others may think. Improved self esteem will do this.
Me: Do you think there is an endpoint with anorexia, a time when you could say, "Kim is totally done with that"?
Him: I think you can be "done" with it although I think you will always have some OCD type of behavior.
Me: How does your opinion about the genetic component of anorexia affect your view of recovery?
Him: I believe that genetics have a large part with being anorexic. I also believe that recovery can be made for most anorexics although some have a much tougher time perhaps from outside factors.
And then he ended the email with this: “That's it Kim - I think you're doing great but you shouldn't care what I think - haha. Have a good night. Love Da”
Love you too, Dad!
***
Today’s gratitude:
1. The sun is out again!
2. I'm having fun doing my sister's baby shower invites.
3. Busy work day = fast work day.
4. Daydreaming.
5. Hot tea.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Recovery: Larry's perspective
In response to my last post regarding some thoughts on recovery, a few of you mentioned that you see eating disorders like alcoholism -- something you always "have" even if you are not engaging in behaviors. That made me think that Larry should do a guest post, as he's had his own recovery experience in relation to quitting drinking. By the way, he's also quit smoking and Diet Coke, both of which I consider huge feats. We joke that one of the (many) reasons we don't want kids is because, given our histories, instead of a college fund we'd have to set aside money for a rehab fund.
I asked Larry to reflect on his experience of "recovery" (and mine, too), with the same questions I asked my mom. Here are his thoughts:
Me: In your opinion, what do people mean when they say they are "fully recovered"?
Him: I don't like the term 'fully recovered'. It implies that addiction is like a math problem, and once it's solved the formula always works and will never require any additional work thereafter. I quit drinking 2 years ago and smoking a year before that. Even years after touching the stuff, it's not like I never think about it. Over time it gets easier and the thoughts become drastically less frequent, but it never goes away. I have dreams every once in a while where I'm drinking or having a cigarrette and the feeling is so terrible. I'm instantly mad at myself in the dream asking WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! It's a sort of nightmare that for me, just goes to show that in my subconscious, the possibility of relapse is always there. As long as relapse is possible, how can you say you are fully recovered?
Me: What are the criteria for recovery, by your definition?
Him: The criteria for recovery in my case with drinking and cigarettes is simple: not doing it. Either you smoked or you didn't. Either you had a drink or you didn't. I know that I can't have "just a little" because it doesn't work for me. It's not like I am the incredible hulk and turn into a green monster upon one sip, but one drink on Tuesday will lead to another on Wednesday, 2 on Thursday, etc. Recovery is kind of like a theme to my daily lifestyle. I don't notice it very often anymore because I'm just used to not drinking. So a random thought of a drink is easily squashed because it's not very tangible.
Me: How have your expectations regarding recovery changed over the years?
Him: I'm not so sure my stance has changed much in terms of me. It was always easy for me to think black or white, but for Kim it's a bit more complicated. Eating is not a black and white issue and "restriction" can be kind of vague. I try very hard to understand what it must be like, but every time I try to put myself in her shoes, the recovery process seems daunting. I would struggle greatly to understand what it takes to do it right vs wrong.
Me: What would you like to see me continue to achieve in recovery?
Him: I want two things: I want you to be happy and healthy.
As my wife, I expect Kim to stay healthy. If there is a problem beyond her control, I pretty much demand that she reaches out to me for help. It might seem kind of harsh, but I want us to live long and be happy. I think we owe it to each other to be healthy, and I know that I have to do the same thing. It would be disrespectful for me to let myself go.
Me: Do you think there is an endpoint with anorexia, a time when you could say, "Kim is totally done with that"?
Him: I really don't think there is an end to things like anorexia. Everybody has unique situations (good and bad), and we all have to learn how to live with our own set of issues. I think it's a learning process that never ends.
Me: How does your opinion about the genetic component of anorexia affect your view of recovery?
Him: I feel like the genetic component is useful for chemists and psychologists in charge of prescribing medication, but I'm not so sure I pay a lot of attention to it when it comes to personal recovery. For me, knowing if alcoholism is passed genetically or not is not something that has helped me in recovery (so far).
Update: My dad is still working on his responses, but they’re coming!
***
Today’s gratitude:
1. The sun is finally out! It’s a beautiful day here.
2. I started “The Girl Who Played With Fire” (finally).
3. Work has been just the right amount of busy lately.
4. Larry has an exciting opportunity in the world of nerdy computer gaming. I'm happy for him :)
5. It's not Monday anymore.
I asked Larry to reflect on his experience of "recovery" (and mine, too), with the same questions I asked my mom. Here are his thoughts:
Me: In your opinion, what do people mean when they say they are "fully recovered"?
Him: I don't like the term 'fully recovered'. It implies that addiction is like a math problem, and once it's solved the formula always works and will never require any additional work thereafter. I quit drinking 2 years ago and smoking a year before that. Even years after touching the stuff, it's not like I never think about it. Over time it gets easier and the thoughts become drastically less frequent, but it never goes away. I have dreams every once in a while where I'm drinking or having a cigarrette and the feeling is so terrible. I'm instantly mad at myself in the dream asking WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! It's a sort of nightmare that for me, just goes to show that in my subconscious, the possibility of relapse is always there. As long as relapse is possible, how can you say you are fully recovered?
Me: What are the criteria for recovery, by your definition?
Him: The criteria for recovery in my case with drinking and cigarettes is simple: not doing it. Either you smoked or you didn't. Either you had a drink or you didn't. I know that I can't have "just a little" because it doesn't work for me. It's not like I am the incredible hulk and turn into a green monster upon one sip, but one drink on Tuesday will lead to another on Wednesday, 2 on Thursday, etc. Recovery is kind of like a theme to my daily lifestyle. I don't notice it very often anymore because I'm just used to not drinking. So a random thought of a drink is easily squashed because it's not very tangible.
Me: How have your expectations regarding recovery changed over the years?
Him: I'm not so sure my stance has changed much in terms of me. It was always easy for me to think black or white, but for Kim it's a bit more complicated. Eating is not a black and white issue and "restriction" can be kind of vague. I try very hard to understand what it must be like, but every time I try to put myself in her shoes, the recovery process seems daunting. I would struggle greatly to understand what it takes to do it right vs wrong.
Me: What would you like to see me continue to achieve in recovery?
Him: I want two things: I want you to be happy and healthy.
As my wife, I expect Kim to stay healthy. If there is a problem beyond her control, I pretty much demand that she reaches out to me for help. It might seem kind of harsh, but I want us to live long and be happy. I think we owe it to each other to be healthy, and I know that I have to do the same thing. It would be disrespectful for me to let myself go.
Me: Do you think there is an endpoint with anorexia, a time when you could say, "Kim is totally done with that"?
Him: I really don't think there is an end to things like anorexia. Everybody has unique situations (good and bad), and we all have to learn how to live with our own set of issues. I think it's a learning process that never ends.
Me: How does your opinion about the genetic component of anorexia affect your view of recovery?
Him: I feel like the genetic component is useful for chemists and psychologists in charge of prescribing medication, but I'm not so sure I pay a lot of attention to it when it comes to personal recovery. For me, knowing if alcoholism is passed genetically or not is not something that has helped me in recovery (so far).
Update: My dad is still working on his responses, but they’re coming!
***
Today’s gratitude:
1. The sun is finally out! It’s a beautiful day here.
2. I started “The Girl Who Played With Fire” (finally).
3. Work has been just the right amount of busy lately.
4. Larry has an exciting opportunity in the world of nerdy computer gaming. I'm happy for him :)
5. It's not Monday anymore.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Recovery: Mom's perspective
Yesterday was a day with the parents. They came down to visit around noon. My dad went to golf, and my mom and I went to tea at the St. Regis hotel in Monarch Beach. We drove down PCH, dodging the tourists, trying to catch a glimpse of the beach through the fog. It's been so overcast in Southern California. The temperature gauge on the car read 66 degrees. We're still waiting for summer. I didn't take any pictures because it was so gray outside. I suppose I could have taken pictures of us, but fog makes my hair frizz. I'm vain, sue me.
Upon looking at the afternoon tea buffet, we decided to just get lunch. To be honest, I was starving, and the little finger foods just didn't seem like they would fill me up, unless I did the less-than-dainty thing of loading my plate with a tower of miniature sandwiches. I'm proud to say that the change o' plans was totally anxiety-free, and I ate 2/3 of a big, cheesy pizza. Over lunch, and shopping, and driving, my mom and I talked quite a bit about recovery -- what it means, if it's possible by the conventional definition (i.e., zero food or body issues, negligible possibility of relapse, etc). I've written about my personal views of "in recovery" vs "recovered" before -- here and here, for instance (these were both a long time ago).
I'm still not sure exactly how I feel on the issue, but I've refined my beliefs. I love bullet points, so here's the gist of my thoughts:
- Anorexia is largely genetic and biological.
- I'm always kind of prone to anorexia, especially in times of change and stress.
- I'm not going to change the core of who I am, but I can change the way I deal with things.
- Currently, I don't wake up wanting to restrict or lose weight, so I consider my anorexia "in remission".
- Basically, I'm a non-practicing anorexic.
- I remain totally humble to the disease.
To put it simply, I'm happy. I'm on the low side of healthy, weight-wise, for me. I eat a variety of foods. I go out to eat regularly. I enjoy eating, for the most part. I don't know if I'll ever think about food the way I did pre-anorexia (which was, basically, to not think about it), but I don't think that's really a goal of mine. I think recovery is a matter of semantics, and it's relative to the individual. It's whatever you want to define it. I suggested to Larry recently that I might want to gain some weight, to push myself up a bit, and he said, "We've established that where you are now is healthy. If you want to adapt your definition of healthy, I'm in support of that." It really is all about definitions, and goals. That's my opinion. Here's what my mom had to say when I emailed her a few questions:
Me: In your opinion, what do people mean when they say they are "fully recovered"?
Mom: To me "full recovery" means that the person is no longer engaging in any self-destructive behaviors and has learned to manage stress/anxiety to the point that the ED behaviors are no longer part of their day to day life. I think recovery is a word choice and it is relative to what a person's goals are. For example, if a person's goal is to engage in life, work, socialize with friends/family and basically function in the world then that may be recovery for that person. That doesn't necessarily mean that person has stopped engaging in all the behaviors associated with their disorder.
Me: What are the criteria for recovery, by your definition?
Mom: I would define recovery as the a journey with the end point being the successful cessation of all behaviors associated with self-destruction.
Me: How have your expectations regarding recovery changed over the years?
Mom: Initially I thought of recovery only in terms of weight gain. Normal weight equals recovery. I know it's much more than that. Recovery means learning to manage stress and anxiety. In conjunction with that I believe the person needs to be pushed to move beyond their comfort zone. With eating disorders one needs to move beyond "safe foods" and safe eating environments, so I guess desensitization to foods and food related events. I would consider weight gain one aspect of recovery. It is important to good health and should happen when there is management of stress and anxiety and desensitization to food and eating.
Me: What would you like to see me continue to achieve in recovery?
Mom: Are you still in recovery:-) J/k. I guess there is always something to work on, but you seem happy and your life seems good. What more can a mom ask for? You did mention that you would like to gain some weight so that you have a buffer in case you do get sick. I do agree that any sort of illness that would contribute to weight loss such as the food poisoning we all experienced at our Mother's Day gathering several years ago (now known as the Mother's Day scourge) could be problematic for you.
Me: Do you think there is an endpoint with anorexia, a time when you could say, "Kim is totally done with that"?
Mom: I think there is an endpoint with anorexia.
Me: How does your opinion about the genetic component of anorexia affect your view of recovery?
Mom: I think anyone who suffers from anorexia has a genetic component. People get better and never go back to their behaviors so recovery is possible in spite of a possible genetic component.
Next up: My dad. We'll see what he says soon.
***
Today’s Gratitude:
1. I had a great day with my parents. The four of us went out to dinner last night too. Good times.
2. I’ve been really hungry lately, which is always a good thing for me.
3. The errands are done and my only “plan” the rest of the day is to finish The Extra Man by Jonathan Ames and watch an HBO documentary.
4. I’m thinking falafel for tonight…
5. Oh, and maybe I’ll do a new Dave Farmar podcast. I’m feeling lazy, though.
Upon looking at the afternoon tea buffet, we decided to just get lunch. To be honest, I was starving, and the little finger foods just didn't seem like they would fill me up, unless I did the less-than-dainty thing of loading my plate with a tower of miniature sandwiches. I'm proud to say that the change o' plans was totally anxiety-free, and I ate 2/3 of a big, cheesy pizza. Over lunch, and shopping, and driving, my mom and I talked quite a bit about recovery -- what it means, if it's possible by the conventional definition (i.e., zero food or body issues, negligible possibility of relapse, etc). I've written about my personal views of "in recovery" vs "recovered" before -- here and here, for instance (these were both a long time ago).
I'm still not sure exactly how I feel on the issue, but I've refined my beliefs. I love bullet points, so here's the gist of my thoughts:
- Anorexia is largely genetic and biological.
- I'm always kind of prone to anorexia, especially in times of change and stress.
- I'm not going to change the core of who I am, but I can change the way I deal with things.
- Currently, I don't wake up wanting to restrict or lose weight, so I consider my anorexia "in remission".
- Basically, I'm a non-practicing anorexic.
- I remain totally humble to the disease.
To put it simply, I'm happy. I'm on the low side of healthy, weight-wise, for me. I eat a variety of foods. I go out to eat regularly. I enjoy eating, for the most part. I don't know if I'll ever think about food the way I did pre-anorexia (which was, basically, to not think about it), but I don't think that's really a goal of mine. I think recovery is a matter of semantics, and it's relative to the individual. It's whatever you want to define it. I suggested to Larry recently that I might want to gain some weight, to push myself up a bit, and he said, "We've established that where you are now is healthy. If you want to adapt your definition of healthy, I'm in support of that." It really is all about definitions, and goals. That's my opinion. Here's what my mom had to say when I emailed her a few questions:
Me: In your opinion, what do people mean when they say they are "fully recovered"?
Mom: To me "full recovery" means that the person is no longer engaging in any self-destructive behaviors and has learned to manage stress/anxiety to the point that the ED behaviors are no longer part of their day to day life. I think recovery is a word choice and it is relative to what a person's goals are. For example, if a person's goal is to engage in life, work, socialize with friends/family and basically function in the world then that may be recovery for that person. That doesn't necessarily mean that person has stopped engaging in all the behaviors associated with their disorder.
Me: What are the criteria for recovery, by your definition?
Mom: I would define recovery as the a journey with the end point being the successful cessation of all behaviors associated with self-destruction.
Me: How have your expectations regarding recovery changed over the years?
Mom: Initially I thought of recovery only in terms of weight gain. Normal weight equals recovery. I know it's much more than that. Recovery means learning to manage stress and anxiety. In conjunction with that I believe the person needs to be pushed to move beyond their comfort zone. With eating disorders one needs to move beyond "safe foods" and safe eating environments, so I guess desensitization to foods and food related events. I would consider weight gain one aspect of recovery. It is important to good health and should happen when there is management of stress and anxiety and desensitization to food and eating.
Me: What would you like to see me continue to achieve in recovery?
Mom: Are you still in recovery:-) J/k. I guess there is always something to work on, but you seem happy and your life seems good. What more can a mom ask for? You did mention that you would like to gain some weight so that you have a buffer in case you do get sick. I do agree that any sort of illness that would contribute to weight loss such as the food poisoning we all experienced at our Mother's Day gathering several years ago (now known as the Mother's Day scourge) could be problematic for you.
Me: Do you think there is an endpoint with anorexia, a time when you could say, "Kim is totally done with that"?
Mom: I think there is an endpoint with anorexia.
Me: How does your opinion about the genetic component of anorexia affect your view of recovery?
Mom: I think anyone who suffers from anorexia has a genetic component. People get better and never go back to their behaviors so recovery is possible in spite of a possible genetic component.
Next up: My dad. We'll see what he says soon.
***
Today’s Gratitude:
1. I had a great day with my parents. The four of us went out to dinner last night too. Good times.
2. I’ve been really hungry lately, which is always a good thing for me.
3. The errands are done and my only “plan” the rest of the day is to finish The Extra Man by Jonathan Ames and watch an HBO documentary.
4. I’m thinking falafel for tonight…
5. Oh, and maybe I’ll do a new Dave Farmar podcast. I’m feeling lazy, though.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
And now for some comic relief
Every now and then, I check my Google Analytics report for the terms people are typing in to find my blog. Here are some recent favorites, with my responses:
what lasagne looks like?
I was curious to see how this led to my blog, so I typed in the query in Google and this is what I got. If you can't read it (because I'm lame and can't figure out how to make the image bigger), the first results says, "Long story short, I painted my dick to look like lasagna."
I feel really bad for the person who just wanted to catch a glimpse of a pasta dish.
larry is sick of his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
My Larry was sick of his too. I recommend the ready-made chicken at Trader Joe's. It will change your sandwich-making life. I also recommend tuna.
anti depressants and hash
I can neither condemn nor condone this combination.
can't feel my big toe
Try again. I'm sure it's there.
fat mom oink oink
Here's my main curiosity: Is this the mom typing this, or her offspring? Whoever it is, I think it's unnecessary to add the pig sounds.
getting yelled at in yoga class
Who is yelling at you? This doesn't sound like proper yoga teacher behavior. If the yelling is inside your own head, I suggest professional help.
i am so hungry but it's not my lunch break yet
So you're passing time by typing in your feelings on Google? May I suggest a Twitter account to express fleeting emotions that matter to nobody else but you?
i m glad you had a good day
Thanks, I hope yours was just as good.
iam a boy my parents named me kim should i change it
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say NO. I dated a Kim once. He was from Norway. Are you from Norway? I used to think it'd be really cool if we got married and our answering machine said, "Hi, you've reached Kim and Kim." I guess I'm saying that you should not only keep your name, but marry someone named Kim.
meining of "person is a little like expecting a bull !!!"
I have no idea, but I think "meining" is an awesome verb to use when eating chow mein.
slip relapse banana prevention
I'm not sure what the request is here, but it sounds like you're seeking to prevent a banana slip relapse, meaning you have slipped on a banana before. If this is a recurring problem, I suggest professional help.
we would like to request that meals be available for tomorrow's lunch meeting
I second this. Meals should always be available at lunch meetings. Just a tip: You should probably make your request known in some other way than by typing it into Google. It's unlikely that the powers-that-be will find it this way. May I recommend a memo?
what is cuggling
I don't know the official definition, but my husband uses this term to describe someone gargling even though they don't have liquid in their mouth.
I can neither condemn nor condone this combination.
can't feel my big toe
Try again. I'm sure it's there.
fat mom oink oink
Here's my main curiosity: Is this the mom typing this, or her offspring? Whoever it is, I think it's unnecessary to add the pig sounds.
getting yelled at in yoga class
Who is yelling at you? This doesn't sound like proper yoga teacher behavior. If the yelling is inside your own head, I suggest professional help.
i am so hungry but it's not my lunch break yet
So you're passing time by typing in your feelings on Google? May I suggest a Twitter account to express fleeting emotions that matter to nobody else but you?
i m glad you had a good day
Thanks, I hope yours was just as good.
iam a boy my parents named me kim should i change it
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say NO. I dated a Kim once. He was from Norway. Are you from Norway? I used to think it'd be really cool if we got married and our answering machine said, "Hi, you've reached Kim and Kim." I guess I'm saying that you should not only keep your name, but marry someone named Kim.
meining of "person is a little like expecting a bull !!!"
I have no idea, but I think "meining" is an awesome verb to use when eating chow mein.
slip relapse banana prevention
I'm not sure what the request is here, but it sounds like you're seeking to prevent a banana slip relapse, meaning you have slipped on a banana before. If this is a recurring problem, I suggest professional help.
we would like to request that meals be available for tomorrow's lunch meeting
I second this. Meals should always be available at lunch meetings. Just a tip: You should probably make your request known in some other way than by typing it into Google. It's unlikely that the powers-that-be will find it this way. May I recommend a memo?
what is cuggling
I don't know the official definition, but my husband uses this term to describe someone gargling even though they don't have liquid in their mouth.
***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's already Wednesday.
2. I have "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" movie (the foreign one) to watch tonight. I hope it's as good at the book.
3. I'm almost done with "The Extra Man" by Jonathan Ames. He's my new favorite writer, though "The Extra Man" is a bit out there.
4. Larry and I had a really good talk last night. It was very philosophical. I love him.
5. It's a busy day at work (which means it'll go by fast).
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
What matters
When you think of basic needs, you think of food, water, clothing, shelter. For most of my life, I would add something else to that list: Recognition.
Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been unable to define myself without the praise of others. Though I did ridiculously well in school, I always disagreed with people who said I was really smart. On some level, I didn’t feel smart in that “I don’t really have to try” way. In fact, I envied people like that – students who just absorbed information effortlessly and got A’s without spending hours with their books (Larry was one of these people, by the way). In my estimation, I was a hard worker, driven by desperation to earn praise from teachers. I never felt truly confident in my abilities. If I did, there was the danger that I would relax and “let myself go.” No, I had to see myself as on the verge of failure, always. I had to feel that anxiety and urgency to study, study, study. I had to think that everyone would hate me if I got a ‘B.’ That was the foundation of my entire self, after all. I call this academorexia.
It’s no wonder that anorexia crept into my life as my usual means of praise – academia – faded. Entering “the real world,” I didn’t have something as concrete as grades to make me feel successful. Instead of relying on numbers written in red at the top of exams and essays, I relied on other numbers – numbers on scales, numbers on the sides of boxes. It felt so similar to chasing after A’s in school. I had that same fear that if I relaxed my rules at all, I’d “let myself go.” I had that same feeling of being on the verge of failure, or “fat.” I had that same anxiety and urgency, that same desperation to keep pursuing this neverending goal. I had that persistent belief that this meant something, that it was purposeful in some way. In a way, with anorexia, even as my body disappeared, I think I wanted to be seen for all my efforts.
On the heels of my last post, I’ve been thinking about how a major change in my life has been that I’m not so needy of recognition. Granted, I like to be appreciated, like any human. I like to participate in projects at work, for instance, and have my participation acknowledged. But, I don’t need praise every five seconds. I don’t depend on it to know I’m a good worker or, more, a good person. I just don’t care so much. It’s a healthy kind of apathy (I think), but it’s weird for me. Much of the reason I feel so goal-less is because many of the things I used to strive for were based on earning some kind of recognition, and I don’t know if that’s important to me anymore. Put simply, take away the need for recognition and a ton of things fall off my “to-do” list. I’m kind of, I don’t know, BORED.
Take publishing a novel, for example. I’ve always said that I love the process of writing. I love getting involved with characters and stories. Do I love editing a book to please an agent or publisher? No. Do I love the harsh realities of writing as a business? No. The fact is that I don’t make money off my fiction. It’s not my bread and butter (and I wouldn’t want it to be, to be quite honest. The pressure of that terrifies me). So, I wonder if a main reason I’ve wanted to publish is because I want the accolades, the recognition of it. If I remove that desire, my entire view of writing changes, and it feels like a weight lifted off the center of my chest.
But, as I’m lighter, I feel kind of floaty. If I don’t approach things with this intense need for achievement and accomplishment, will I just be a couch potato? I guess the bigger question is: What matters to me?
I’ve been achievement-chasing for so long and, sometime in the past year, I’ve slowed and caught my breath. I’ve thought about how life is short (okay, while I was depressed, this thought was much more morbid and strange), and how so much of what I was pursuing before doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I mean this in a liberating way, not a let’s-wear-black-all-the-time way. Now, when I approach things, it’s less about how impressive it will appear when I write about it in a Facebook status update and more about, “Will this make me happy?” If the answer is “Not really,” then I’m not interested. I feel like I’ll “achieve” less in a public way with this mentality, but I’ll be so much calmer and at peace in a private way. I no longer feel this pull to “be somebody”; I just want to “be.”
There are still jitters inside as I figure out what this means. There seems to be more space in my life when I clear out past goals and “shoulds.” How do I want to fill the space? I don’t know, but I assume I’ll figure it out.
***
Today’s gratitude:
1. While the rest of the country is sweating, according to the news, it’s cloudy and raining here.
2. Four-day work week.
3. My mom and dad are visiting this coming weekend. My mom and I are having tea at the St. Regis hotel (fancy!) and then the four of us are going out to dinner. I can't wait! I don't think they've visited for over a year.
4. I stocked up at Costco yesterday, meaning I don't have to return for a few months. I love that place in theory, but hate it in practice.
5. The top of my mouth is finally healing. This is going to sound lame, but I was overly-excited for my calzone this past Friday and burned the top of my mouth pretty badly. I haven't been able to taste much or eat things with sharp edges for a few days. Boo!
Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been unable to define myself without the praise of others. Though I did ridiculously well in school, I always disagreed with people who said I was really smart. On some level, I didn’t feel smart in that “I don’t really have to try” way. In fact, I envied people like that – students who just absorbed information effortlessly and got A’s without spending hours with their books (Larry was one of these people, by the way). In my estimation, I was a hard worker, driven by desperation to earn praise from teachers. I never felt truly confident in my abilities. If I did, there was the danger that I would relax and “let myself go.” No, I had to see myself as on the verge of failure, always. I had to feel that anxiety and urgency to study, study, study. I had to think that everyone would hate me if I got a ‘B.’ That was the foundation of my entire self, after all. I call this academorexia.
It’s no wonder that anorexia crept into my life as my usual means of praise – academia – faded. Entering “the real world,” I didn’t have something as concrete as grades to make me feel successful. Instead of relying on numbers written in red at the top of exams and essays, I relied on other numbers – numbers on scales, numbers on the sides of boxes. It felt so similar to chasing after A’s in school. I had that same fear that if I relaxed my rules at all, I’d “let myself go.” I had that same feeling of being on the verge of failure, or “fat.” I had that same anxiety and urgency, that same desperation to keep pursuing this neverending goal. I had that persistent belief that this meant something, that it was purposeful in some way. In a way, with anorexia, even as my body disappeared, I think I wanted to be seen for all my efforts.
On the heels of my last post, I’ve been thinking about how a major change in my life has been that I’m not so needy of recognition. Granted, I like to be appreciated, like any human. I like to participate in projects at work, for instance, and have my participation acknowledged. But, I don’t need praise every five seconds. I don’t depend on it to know I’m a good worker or, more, a good person. I just don’t care so much. It’s a healthy kind of apathy (I think), but it’s weird for me. Much of the reason I feel so goal-less is because many of the things I used to strive for were based on earning some kind of recognition, and I don’t know if that’s important to me anymore. Put simply, take away the need for recognition and a ton of things fall off my “to-do” list. I’m kind of, I don’t know, BORED.
Take publishing a novel, for example. I’ve always said that I love the process of writing. I love getting involved with characters and stories. Do I love editing a book to please an agent or publisher? No. Do I love the harsh realities of writing as a business? No. The fact is that I don’t make money off my fiction. It’s not my bread and butter (and I wouldn’t want it to be, to be quite honest. The pressure of that terrifies me). So, I wonder if a main reason I’ve wanted to publish is because I want the accolades, the recognition of it. If I remove that desire, my entire view of writing changes, and it feels like a weight lifted off the center of my chest.
But, as I’m lighter, I feel kind of floaty. If I don’t approach things with this intense need for achievement and accomplishment, will I just be a couch potato? I guess the bigger question is: What matters to me?
I’ve been achievement-chasing for so long and, sometime in the past year, I’ve slowed and caught my breath. I’ve thought about how life is short (okay, while I was depressed, this thought was much more morbid and strange), and how so much of what I was pursuing before doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I mean this in a liberating way, not a let’s-wear-black-all-the-time way. Now, when I approach things, it’s less about how impressive it will appear when I write about it in a Facebook status update and more about, “Will this make me happy?” If the answer is “Not really,” then I’m not interested. I feel like I’ll “achieve” less in a public way with this mentality, but I’ll be so much calmer and at peace in a private way. I no longer feel this pull to “be somebody”; I just want to “be.”
There are still jitters inside as I figure out what this means. There seems to be more space in my life when I clear out past goals and “shoulds.” How do I want to fill the space? I don’t know, but I assume I’ll figure it out.
***
Today’s gratitude:
1. While the rest of the country is sweating, according to the news, it’s cloudy and raining here.
2. Four-day work week.
3. My mom and dad are visiting this coming weekend. My mom and I are having tea at the St. Regis hotel (fancy!) and then the four of us are going out to dinner. I can't wait! I don't think they've visited for over a year.
4. I stocked up at Costco yesterday, meaning I don't have to return for a few months. I love that place in theory, but hate it in practice.
5. The top of my mouth is finally healing. This is going to sound lame, but I was overly-excited for my calzone this past Friday and burned the top of my mouth pretty badly. I haven't been able to taste much or eat things with sharp edges for a few days. Boo!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Independence Day
Happy 4th, everyone! I am enjoying a three-day weekend doing absolutely nothing. Here is a snippet of conversation between Larry and me:
Me (sitting on couch, engrossed in a marathon of "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations"): Am I being too lazy?
Larry: Too lazy for what?
Me: Good point.
I don't really know what I think I SHOULD be doing, but it is very odd for me to just "chill out." I suspect I have been spending too much time with my cats and am slowly adopting their lifestyle. I did take a two-hour nap for no reason other than boredom yesterday. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I was talking to a friend yesterday and telling her about how I really don't have anything on my "to do" list. I've started fiddling around with writing a new novel, but I don't have the same urgency about it that I've had with past writing projects. In fact, I just might be content with having it be a multi-year project, something to invest myself in gradually.
Who is this person? I'm accustomed to seeking out projects and completing them quickly to attain that rush of accomplishment. These days, I'm not really that goal-oriented. If you were a fly on the wall of my life, you would say that my one goal seems to be to relax. I can't seem to be compelled to attain a challenging hobby, to strive for some athletic achievement, to expand my brain power, or even to write for my blog more regularly. Being that I spent years getting praised for my drive and ambition and "get up and go" attitude, I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis.
I don't say any of this to be self-critical. It's just odd. Larry and I were talking (on our "morning" walk that didn't occur until noon) about how it's the American way to always have a "next" -- after high school, you go to college; after college, you get a career; then you bounce around from job to job in search of "the best"; at some point, you find a mate; then you have kids; you get a house, then a bigger house; you go on a trip, then a bigger trip, and a bigger one. I feel the pressure of this kind of mindset on some level, but I don't feel like it's really "me." There is some liberation in declaring independence from that idea of "more, more, more." But, what's left is a demand to sit still, to just enjoy life for the little things.
I've always wanted to be extraordinary in some way. There, I said it. I've always wanted to live life at an extreme -- an extreme success, an extreme accomplishment, an extreme recognition. Anorexia was part of all that. Enjoying the little things hasn't been my strong suit. But, when I look at the big picture, it's all about the little things. I know myself well and I could drive myself crazy pursuing one thing after another, chasing a dragon of achievement. There's something nice about being independent of that need for more. And it seems appropriate to take some time to appreciate that this weekend :)
Enjoy the holiday!
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Louis CK. We watched his new show "Louie" on FX this past week, then watched his stand-up special, "Shameless." He's hilarious.
2. Freshly-cut hair.
3. Massage tomorrow.
4. Friends who "get" me.
5. Loving my job so much that going back to work on Tuesday doesn't fill me with any dread whatsoever.
Me (sitting on couch, engrossed in a marathon of "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations"): Am I being too lazy?
Larry: Too lazy for what?
Me: Good point.
I don't really know what I think I SHOULD be doing, but it is very odd for me to just "chill out." I suspect I have been spending too much time with my cats and am slowly adopting their lifestyle. I did take a two-hour nap for no reason other than boredom yesterday. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I was talking to a friend yesterday and telling her about how I really don't have anything on my "to do" list. I've started fiddling around with writing a new novel, but I don't have the same urgency about it that I've had with past writing projects. In fact, I just might be content with having it be a multi-year project, something to invest myself in gradually.
Who is this person? I'm accustomed to seeking out projects and completing them quickly to attain that rush of accomplishment. These days, I'm not really that goal-oriented. If you were a fly on the wall of my life, you would say that my one goal seems to be to relax. I can't seem to be compelled to attain a challenging hobby, to strive for some athletic achievement, to expand my brain power, or even to write for my blog more regularly. Being that I spent years getting praised for my drive and ambition and "get up and go" attitude, I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis.
I don't say any of this to be self-critical. It's just odd. Larry and I were talking (on our "morning" walk that didn't occur until noon) about how it's the American way to always have a "next" -- after high school, you go to college; after college, you get a career; then you bounce around from job to job in search of "the best"; at some point, you find a mate; then you have kids; you get a house, then a bigger house; you go on a trip, then a bigger trip, and a bigger one. I feel the pressure of this kind of mindset on some level, but I don't feel like it's really "me." There is some liberation in declaring independence from that idea of "more, more, more." But, what's left is a demand to sit still, to just enjoy life for the little things.
I've always wanted to be extraordinary in some way. There, I said it. I've always wanted to live life at an extreme -- an extreme success, an extreme accomplishment, an extreme recognition. Anorexia was part of all that. Enjoying the little things hasn't been my strong suit. But, when I look at the big picture, it's all about the little things. I know myself well and I could drive myself crazy pursuing one thing after another, chasing a dragon of achievement. There's something nice about being independent of that need for more. And it seems appropriate to take some time to appreciate that this weekend :)
Enjoy the holiday!
***
Today's gratitude:
1. Louis CK. We watched his new show "Louie" on FX this past week, then watched his stand-up special, "Shameless." He's hilarious.
2. Freshly-cut hair.
3. Massage tomorrow.
4. Friends who "get" me.
5. Loving my job so much that going back to work on Tuesday doesn't fill me with any dread whatsoever.
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