Optimist or pessimist?

Is the glass half empty or half full? When asked this question, I give a smartass reply, like, "Well, I don't know. What's in the glass? I mean, what you're getting at is whether or not I'm an optimist or a pessimist, right? Well, if it's a glass of poop and I say it's half full, I'd say that's pretty pessimistic."

I'm a fan of sarcasm. The more bitter, the better. I love a good dose of good-humored cynicism, a dash of contemplative skepticism, a snarky quip here and there. I've always found all-out cheery, bubbly people to be slightly obnoxious, maintaining that if you think about life hard enough, there is always something to make fun of, something to criticize, something to find absurd and ridiculous. If you're all smiles, you're not using your brain.

I suppose that conclusion is bitchy in itself.

To the casual observer, I would appear to be a pessimist. After all, I can rattle off a list of worries and "what ifs" with frightening ease. I can tell you all about global warming and how text messaging is eroding intelligence and how the economy is a big house of cards. I spend most of my day observing oddities and asking myself life's big questions, like, "Why do people rip off 1/4 of a donut and put the rest back in the box?" and "Is foot-tapping really necessary?" In a depressed state, I would let these things annoy me. Now, in my normal state, they amuse me. Yes, I'm amused. I'm not the cranky kind of pessimist. I'm the giggly kind of pessimist. Some would call this an optimist.

For all my little anxieties and expressed doubts in humanity, I am hopeful at heart. I think I've used cynicism and sarcasm to ward off hopes because they are so strong (and I know I'm super sensitive to disappointment). The thing is I do expect good things to happen, so much so that I feel the need to tame myself, to reel in my exuberance (there's a word most people would not associate with me). As much as I whine about how hard the publishing industry is, for example, I do expect to get published some day. I don't know when that day will be, or if it will involve the novel my agent is currently trying to sell, but I'm confident it'll happen some day, and that makes me happy. I guess my lenses are pretty rose-colored, though they may appear dark if you take me too seriously.

Do you consider yourself an optimist or a pessimist?

Oh, and for the record, I don't think the glass has poop in it. You?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's Friday!
2. Friday = DVR night ("Project Runway," etc) + calzones.
3. I'm thinking of exploring a new hiking trail this weekend.
4. My anxiety about the "no yoga for 10 days" mandate has completely dissipated.
5. Sleep. I'm exhausted today and can't wait to get in bed tonight and sleep in tomorrow.

Why I love yoga

Well, I can't stretch at all until I get these damn stitches out, so I thought I'd take a few minutes to pay homage to yoga. This is like writing a letter to your lover who is out of town on business.

I'm a little embarrassed to love yoga as much as I do. I mean, it's so trendy. And, especially in Southern California, there are so many collagen-filled, $5-bottle-of-water-drinking "health nuts" who make a ballet performance out of Sun Salutations. I've mentioned before that I'm judgmental, right? Seriously though, I'm pretty sure I saw one of the Real Housewives of Orange County at my studio once.

It seems that lots of people in recovery from an eating disorder take to yoga. For some, it may be because yoga is a form of exercise that doesn't seem like exercise. It can be passed off as meditation, for example, thereby flying under the radar of treatment teams banning physical exertion of any kind. But, lots of us stay with yoga even when we're "allowed" to exercise. Yoga is really the only exercise I do. I take short walks, but more for my brain than my body. I do some free weights in an attempt to fend off osteoporosis. I have little interest in cardio. Calorie-burning just isn't much of a driver for me these days. I think the attraction to yoga for me, and for many Type A personalities, has to do with the discipline involved, along with the fact that yoga demands surrender (which I think we all crave).

At first glance, yoga is a bit dichotomous. It's associated with carefree hippies, but it has all these strict poses and specific routines. Sun salutations can be tweaked, much like recipes, but they go a certain way, typically. You can go to a yoga studio almost anywhere in the world and kind of get the flow of things. The postures have been the same across centuries and across cultures. That's something that my structure-loving, change-hating brain appreciates.

What I've realized over time is that it's not really that dichotomous. Yes, there is structure in the poses, but the ultimate goal is freedom. That's the challenge -- surrendering to the poses, not doing them better than everyone else. When I started yoga in 1999, I was aspiring to get back to the flexibility and strength I had in gymnastics. I was fixated on everyone around me. I wanted to be just as flexible as them, or -- who am I kidding? -- more flexible. These days, my practice (eh, I hate that term, it's so pretentious) is entirely different. I don't care what someone on the next mat is doing. Often, I practice alone so there is nobody on the next mat. It's about me and where I'm at with my body on that particular day.

I used to fight to stay in poses. I have cursed at many a teacher under my breath while holding this

(Side Plank)

and this

(Chair)

and this

(Boat)

I have cursed my body when I couldn't do this

(Warrior 3)

or this

(Half moon)

Now, I very often take child's pose for a break. I'm just not so hard on myself. And, I've gotten better! Downward dog, which used to be a strain, is a resting pose for me now. Same with chair pose. I wasn't trying to be stronger in these poses; it just happened. I remember thinking during half moon, "Holy hell, I'm never going to be able to look up and keep my balance in this pose." Now, I can. I didn't have to struggle so much; it just took some time and patience. I still fall, and I usually laugh when I do (though I do still have my cursing days). I'm more forgiving of my body and myself because of yoga. I'm more good-humored because of yoga. I have better posture because of yoga (which is good since I'm so tall and have a tendency to slouch). I know how to breathe because of yoga (before, I used to think inhaling meant sucking my belly in and exhaling meant pushing my belly out; yoga taught me it's the opposite. I have to think that's helped in anxious moments). I love the poses and the routine of yoga. I do well with outlines, in which I have the freedom to be creative. A yoga series to me is like an outline. You may set out with a specific goal in mind, but it can change along the way. Much like life.

Do you do yoga? If no, what's your impression of it? If yes, what do you love or hate about it? Do you practice at home (with DVDs, podcasts, etc) or in classes? I usually create my own routines, or I do "Inhale" on Oxygen network or Dave Farmar podcasts. I also get lots of ideas from Yoga Journal.

***
Today's gratitude:

1. Well, I did something very unlike me and bought a plane ticket, rather impulsively, to visit my friend in New Orleans for a couple days! I go April 1-3. I'm super excited!

2. This no yoga thing is actually going just fine. It's good to take a break sometimes to realize how much I really like it, but don't have to do it.

3. "Broken Embraces." I watched this last night. I really like Spanish movies, and Pedro Almodovar is always a great storyteller.

4. My immune system. It seems to be fending off whatever it is my coworker keeps coughing up. Why do people come to work sick?!

5. Dreading downtime. I'm grateful for this because I used to find safety in downtime (aka isolation) and dread activity. Now, with the weekend approaching, I'm more excited for activity!

Snacks

This is my first official product review! I got a few samples of the 18 Rabbits granola bars in the mail (along with a cute button and a sticker. I love buttons. Mind you, I'm aware that it is no longer the eighties, when it was fashionable to affix buttons to one's jean jacket, but I still love them).


To be perfectly honest, I totally spaced on checking the nutrition facts (good for me, bad for you), but 18Rabbits.com has all the information you need. Some adjectives of choice: authentic, natural, real, nutritious, wholesome. I'll also add delicious, because they are. This is me eating the Funky Figs and Cherries bar while out shopping on Sunday. I look kind of annoyed, but I think this is just because I'm not used to taking pictures of myself eating something. I don't know how you food bloggers do it. Why does my hand look so huge?


I loved it. These have my ideal bar texture -- chewy, but not too soft or too hard. I ate this kind of fast because I was on a shoe mission, but I really enjoyed it. The chunks of cherries and figs were great. It filled me up until I got home, which was my goal.

I know lots of people in recovery from eating disorders have a love-hate relationship with bars. They equate bars with "recovery refeeding," kind of like Boost or Ensure in food format. My affair with Luna bars began in treatment, after all. Personally, I love bars. I'm somewhat lazy, so having something that's quick and easy, especially when I'm at work, is kind of essential. I have 2-3 snacks per day, and one of them usually involves a bar. For most of my snacks, I combine TWO things from this list (for example, I'd have a string cheese and ak-maks with a piece of fruit, or a bar and a glass of chocolate soy milk):

• -String cheese and ak-mak crackers
• -Trader Joe's packet of almonds or trail mix (I love that they have these in snack portions)
• -Gourmet popcorn (Gourmet or go home, that's what I say. My cats agree)
• -Clif Z Bar
• -Chocolate soy milk (Trader Joe's has these in single servings too)
• -Juice
• -Yogurt
• -Cottage cheese
• -Chips: My favorites are tortilla chips, Sun chips, Trader Joe's sweet potato chips
• -Carrots and hummus
• -Luna bar
• -Piece of fruit: I usually go for apples, oranges, pears, bananas
• -Bowl of granola with soy milk
• -Bowl of ice cream, or frozen yogurt with toppings (nuts, granola, berries, chocolate chips)
  
• -Cookie
  

I'm much more flexible than I used to be. I change these up pretty often, and I'm always looking for new ideas. I used to have a set meal plan that dictated what my snacks would be, exactly. Now, I see what I feel like when snack time comes and I consult a mental list of options. Snacks have been pretty important to me in recovery. Unless I go out to a meal and eat a lot more than usual, I need to have snacks. My body is pretty used to that, so it's not as much of a struggle as it used to be. My biggest red flag is the disappearance of snacks. That's always the first thing to go when I'm struggling. I was never really a meal skipper, but I'm notorious for skipping snacks.

What about you? What are your favorite snacks?

***
Today's gratitude:

1. You guys! Thanks for all your encouragement regarding The Things. I slept in today instead of doing my usual walk or yoga. I admit it was hard. I was kind of out of it. I really do love my morning routine! Oh well. I actually used a few spare minutes to cuddle with the kitties in bed and jot down some writing ideas.

2. I have a fun-sounding freelance thing that just came my way.

3. We're watching "Up in the Air" tonight!

4. It's another beautiful day in Southern California.

5. I really have nothing stressing me out. At all.

Holy moley

I don't like the word "mole." It's gross. So, in this post, moles will be referred to as "The Things." I'm more comfortable this way. You are, too. Trust me.

I've always had The Things on my back. A few really big ones. Cindy Crawford had one on her face and it was considered beautiful, so I didn't think much of them. Enter my new doctor, on a mission against The Things because she had a patient who died of skin cancer in his twenties. I'm very easily paranoid, so I let her talk me into coming back to have The Things removed. She assured me it would be "no big deal."

Liar!

It was much more of a production than I realized it would be. It started out just fine -- me on my belly, closing my eyes, lulled to sleep by...being on my belly, closing my eyes. Then came the shots! I find it ironic that the stuff that makes the procedure painless is painful. Lidocaine hurts! She encouraged me to just focus on the People magazine in front of me. I tried, I did. But I was turned to the page about Marie Osmond's son's suicide. This did not make me feel calmer. So I flipped a few pages...to the Sea World tragedy. I was really close to asking her for a Highlights magazine, so I could reminisce about the joys of youth, when I didn't have to worry about The Things.

My doctor is one of those doctors who likes to over-inform her patients. She had to show me the tool she uses to "punch out" The Things. I would have preferred not to see this gadget. It's basically like this pen cap with sharpened edges that she presses about a half inch (!) into the skin, then extracts along with The Thing in question. Thanks to the Lidocaine, I didn't feel any of this madness, but then she had to go and show me The Thing. She said, "Isn't it cool?" and I said, "Um, do you want vomit on your floor?"

There were two more after that. Complete with cauterizing and stitches and bleeding and bandages. I can't shower for 24 hours and Larry is supposed to apply ointment. I hate the word "ointment" almost as much as I hate the word "mole." I feel betrayed. I feel misled. I summed this up by texting Larry with a simple, cryptic message: "Boo:("

Before I left, she gave me instructions for cleaning and whatnot, and said to return in 10 days to have the stitches removed. Then she mentioned that I should be careful with moving too much. Anorexia has been sort of chilling out these days, but this not moving command brought it to full attention.

"I can't exercise?" I said.

"No, starting with taking the elevator instead of the stairs when you leave today."

"For how long?"

"Until you get the stitches out. Walking should be okay, but no stretching."

10 days without really moving? Granted, I only do yoga and walking and some weights, but I consider this little exercise routine important to my health and happiness. It helps with some anxiety, keeps anorexia pretty quiet. And, I enjoy it, especially since I've eased up on how structured I am with it (or have I?). I skip days here and there, I avoid the "have to" about it (I thought). But, 10 days? That's hard for me to swallow. Literally. I have a lump in my throat.

Have you been forced to be sedentary before? Was it hard for you?

Please know that I realize I sound ridiculous. It's just 10 days, etc, etc. I never said I wasn't a little nuts.

***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's 80-something degrees in Southern California today. Beautiful day!

2. Strangely, the time change isn't affecting me too much. I woke up before the alarm today.

3. I'm really happy lately!

4. Lauren, a psychology student, asked me to do a guest post about my experience with anorexia. You can read it here.

5. The Things are gone.

Yee-Haw

If you met my husband, you would never guess that he was raised by a cowgirl. The guy loves his computers, stays inside to avoid skin cancer (and play on his computers), has little patience for animals other than cats, dislikes country music (though we both enjoy "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks for some bizarre reason), and has an aversion to plaid, leather, boots and hats. However, he was, in fact, raised by a die-hard cowgirl.

Larry's mom lives on a ranch out in Palm Desert with a few horses of her own. When she invited us out for the Palm Springs Rodeo, I wasn't really sure what to expect. I've been to a rodeo once, in Calgary, but I was young and on a family vacation (meaning, it's highly likely I was pretending NOT to enjoy myself, just to be difficult).

We went to brunch at The Filling Station, my favorite breakfast place in Old Town Orange, before we got on the road. Larry got his beloved breakfast burrito. I got the spinach/mushroom/Swiss omelet, which was delicious.

I remember the days of freaking out over eggs. I used to demand egg whites, and I would never have cheese on the eggs. That would be like a fat fest. These days, I don't even think about this stuff. And I don't substitute fruit for the greasy potatoes; I eat the greasy potatoes (and sometimes get fruit on the side, too. I had an apple in the car, so I skipped the $5 side of fruit). Anyway...

Two hours later, we arrived in Palm Springs where it was like a hundred degrees. I tried on some hats.

This is us taking a "shade break" a little later. This is when I mention that I should have purchased a hat. This is when Larry mentions our risk of skin cancer at least four times.


I'm not sure what I think about rodeos. Honestly, it made me a bit uncomfortable. The first event featured dudes riding angry horses. I don't know the technical name for this event. Basically, they put a strap on the horse's ass that pisses it off, causing it to buck. The goal for the rider is to stay on as long as possible. I realized that I was not understanding the point because I kept cheering any time the horse tossed the rider. Oops.

I also cheered during the steer-wrestling event when the steer escaped the grasp of the crazy man leaping from his horse to tackle it.


And I also cheering during the roping event when my animal friends ran free from the lasso. This one was especially weird to watch. First, they get the rope around the animal's neck, then wrestle it to the floor and tie its feet as fast as possible.


There were PETA protesters outside the event, and I can understand why they were protesting. I mean, I like these guys:


Larry assures me that the animals are just fine. They're domesticated, this is fun for them, etc, etc. I suppose you could liken wresling a steer to me grabbing my fluffy cat's neck to flip her over so I can wipe poop from her butt. She still loves me.

I wouldn't choose to go to another rodeo, but I love my mother-in-law, and was happy to support her. She did great with her drill team. It's basically like synchronized swimming on horses...and not in water. That's no small feat since horses can be so easily spooked. Coordinating six horses must take quite a bit of work.


We met up with her after to congratulate her. Isn't she cute?


And isn't Larry cute with my purse? I think so.


We had a beautiful drive home. I really do love California.


We watched some shows on DVR and ate pizza. I had 5 of 6 slices of my pizza (we each get our own because Larry likes the Thai chicken and I don't). Thankfully, I was so tired that I went to bed at 9:30 and pretty much didn't notice the time change. Except that it's almost 6pm right now and still light out...

Have you ever been to a rodeo? What do you think of them from an animal rights perspective?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's official: I like shopping. Thanks to those of you who recommended Bare Escentuals. I bought some make-up today.

2. I have the feared mole-removal doctor appointment tomorrow, for the purpose of avoiding skin cancer.

3. Condo is clean, clothes are clean, all is clean.

4. Larry joined a computer gaming group that has events a few nights per week. Yes, he's a nerd, but I'm just so happy he has a hobby he enjoys. And, it allows me to have my "me time" without guilt :)

5. I dropped off some clothes at Goodwill today.

Guest post: Seeing your wife through depression

When I went on medication, the psychiatrist, Dr. M, said that my husband would probably notice changes before I did. He shouldn't have told me that because for the past month, I feel like I've bugged Larry with questions like, "Do I seem different?" I've wondered if I'm acting funny, if I'm annoying in my budding cheerfulness. At times, I've thought that this "feeling good" thing seemed too good. Was I going crazy? Would a shoe drop? All along, Larry has just smiled. He's the most patient human being I've ever known.

This is what he has to say about supporting me through depression, especially the decision to go on medication. Without him supporting that, I probably wouldn't have done it, to be honest. I would have continued struggling, convinced medication is weak and suffering is strong. Larry has never agreed with that "suffering is strong" nonsense. So, without further ado...

I have a lot of faith in science. I believe that there is a treatment plan for every ailment; even though, in some cases the treatment can only go as far as treating symptoms. Treatment plans aren't limited to medicine, and I think that a mixture of treatment types will yield the highest results for mental disorders. For those who don't know, I have bipolar disorder. I have been in therapy since I was very young, but I have only been on medication for about five years or so. After having tried a few different medication types, I am well aware that some combinations can be very bad. After my latest change, I have felt better and more like myself than I have for quite some time.

When I started feeling better, symptoms of Kim's depression became more noticeable. Kim is much different than me when it comes to medicine; generally she is much more sensitive to the effects. I tend to shrug off side effects in exchange for the benefit of the medicine, but the same effects can cause Kim a lot of stress. I encouraged her to start with psychotherapy because I figured that this approach carried the least amount of risk. After a couple months, we both realized that the treatment was either ineffective or taking too long to progress. I then suggested that she see my psychiatrist to see what he thought.

We have a great psychiatrist, but Kim was a little tense at the idea of taking pills. I reminded her that she didn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, and once she saw him she relaxed quite a bit. He put her on a treatment plan, and Kim was actually excited about it. I was a little nervous and spent a lot of time reminding her that sometimes new medication can have bad side effects at first. I didn't want to scare her, but I wanted to make sure she wasn't expecting a miracle pill. Every medication I've tried for bipolar disorder has taken at least a month to level out; some side effects never go away and require lifestyle adjustments. I wasn't so sure how Kim would deal with that, but I was very happy to see her put faith in the treatment and see it through.

Now that some time has passed, it is great to see Kim so much more content with life in general and excited about things that should be exciting. She is much more relaxed about things like money and has a lot more trust and faith that things will work out even though a lot of it is not under our control. Things in general are much more relaxed, and this has given us a lot more enjoyment in day-to-day life. I don't mind the work days so much anymore because our downtime in the evenings and during lunch is so enjoyable.

The changes in her have allowed me to grow as well. Now that she is more relaxed about money, it causes me to think about it more. It may sound a bit odd, but by easing her grip on the steering wheel, I have naturally taken on the responsibility of making sure that we are staying on course. I think that before, we used to struggle to meet in the middle. Kim was trying to make sure the car was not going to crash, and I was trying to roll the windows down and turn up the music. Now, when I think about that metaphor, I see both of us working as a team to keep us in the lane that makes us both happy.

***

I think it's so interesting and true what he says about shifts in relationship equilibrium. Nothing in life is truly stagnant. We're always changing, relating to each other differently.

Have you been in the position of supporting someone through a hard time? What did you do? Have you had to be supported? What was that like?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. It's a gorgeous California day. I'm hoping to get out for a short walk soon.
2. The weekend should be full. I admit I'm slightly antsy about doing everything I want to do, but I'm refraining from "overlisting."
3. DVR night! It's our Friday ritual -- calzones and catching up on TV shows.
4. We got our taxes back...and the government owes us some money! Yayyyy!
5. I got some granola bars in the mail -- my first real product review to come!

Knowing what I know now...

The other night, I watched "The Time Traveler's Wife," a movie based on a book I never got around to reading. In the movie, Henry (played by Eric Bana) is a time traveler. He is constantly going back and forth between different times in his life, arriving naked at each destination (which is just fine by me. Have you seen this guy?). The movie is about the love he shares with his wife, Claire (played by Rachel McAdams). He's able to visit her when she's just a child, appearing in a meadow, naked, to hang out. I found this rather creepy. I have a hard time with otherworldly romances, sorry.

This movie left me asking two questions:

1. How cute is Eric Bana?! This is rhetorical. You don't need to answer.

2. If you could travel in time to visit younger you, what would you say?

Knowing what I know now, I'd have all kinds of advice, like:

• -Don't write all those letters to Joey in New Kids on the Block. He won't write you back.
• -Don't write "F*ck you" on the bottom of Bobby's cup when selling lemonade. Yes, Bobby is annoying, but this is a bad business move for a ten-year-old.
• -All those AP classes really won't matter, so don't stress so much. Really.
• -Try out for basketball. You're tall, and your last name is "Hooper" so it seems sort of destined.
• -A perm is a really bad choice.
• -You will have braces for, like, 8 years, so stop hoping otherwise.
  
• -Baking powder and baking soda are not the same thing. Please stop torturing family members with your baking attempts.
• -Don't get on boats. You throw up even when they're anchored.
• -If you cut the hair on your Barbie dolls, it will not grow back.
• -Yes, the fact that your high school boyfriend sleeps with a knife under his pillow IS a red flag. (Note: He wanted to be in the Navy Seals. I don't know).

The thing is that I'm a stubborn soul. If older me arrived, naked, and told younger me these words of wisdom, younger me would have rolled her eyes and quipped, "You should go back to the eighties and see 'Back to the Future' because this little concept of yours has been done before. Also, I'm really disappointed that your boobs are so small."

Seriously, though, what would I say to Kim deep in anorexia? I feel like I know so much about this disease now, while still understanding so little. I don't know what I would say. I feel like there are no words that could have stopped the runaway train that was my eating disorder. My mom says things like, "Maybe it just needed to run its course." In some ways, I agree with this. There wasn't one magical moment when I was just "over it." There were no life-changing, disease-ending epiphanies. It's been a journey for me. It's been an evolution of learning how to manage anxiety and depression. Of course, things could have gotten way worse if I didn't have the intervention of doctors, therapists, and nutritionists; but I don't know that the treatment team made things much better. For me, things have gotten better very gradually, through multiple therapists, meal plans, setbacks and victories. And I don't know that I would say the "course has been run" now. There are many personality traits that drove anorexia that are still part of who I am. I just know myself a little better and I make healthier choices.

One of the main reasons I haven't really considered going into any field helping others with eating disorders is because I don't know how to help, exactly. If I had a daughter with anorexia, I would feel more educated than the average parent, but just as terrified. I would probably recognize it sooner, and maybe that would help, but maybe it wouldn't. Adequate nutrition is most important. But, then what? What about relapses? What about brain wiring? Eating disorders are complicated. I can empathize. I can understand. I "get" it. But, I don't know how to make behaviors or ways of thinking just stop. Baby steps, little changes, experiments, building momentum -- these are all part of progress, but there is no hard and fast to-do list with recovery which, trust me, is very frustrating for a lover of to-do lists.

I suppose this is what I'd say to struggling, younger me: "Don't worry about being perfect at anorexia or perfect at recovery (yes, you'll decide to recover, and you'll want to be perfect at it, which will really only make things worse). Just accept who you are, where you are. It'll all be fine -- imperfect, but fine."

If you could visit younger versions of yourself, what would you say?

***
Today's gratitude:
1. Sleep. Whatever sleeplessness I was having seems to have given way to this state of feeling like I could sleep for days. I guess I'm really relaxed.
2. Fun weekend ahead! We're going to see Larry's mom ride in a rodeo on Saturday.
3. There's a new Goodwill location right next to our condo. Larry thinks it's funny that this makes me so excited. I really like to give things away.
4. Smooth skin. I started using Dermalogica recently and I really love it. I haven't had to use much cover-up or anything. I think I'll shop for new make-up this weekend.
5. JCrew.com swimsuits. I'm thinking of getting a one-piece. I guess these are "in" now? I haven't bought a bathing suit since...2005? I need one for Maui!